The Road to Happiness

What Inspires Me....what inspires you?

2012-03-03T23:22:00.003-08:00

Every once in a while you get that fresh breath of air....you see it..you see the reason. It could be small, and it usually comes when you are out just living your life. I've been honest as I can, and this is just part of it. I try to inspire myself as much as I can, with just me...but honestly (and we all know it) that is just not enough. So last night I thought about it..I said to myself what inspires me. Almost INSTANTLY I came up with things. So here we go.

I use to do card shows..you have seen them, the guys at the mall with the tables selling baseball cards..I was one of them. Anyways, there was a very nice older man, he kind of looked like Colonel Sanders, it may be mean, but he did. We where talking one day and he said to me that he no longer sleeps in a bed. He sleeps in a reclining chair. He can't get up out of bed...and looked at me and said someday you will also. That has stuck with me for years. NO, NO I WON'T. I'm not down with that..there is being happy and there is being blind..Being blind is not being happy. I will always sleep in a bed..or in my case now a mattress..but so be it. I'm not going to die in a recliner cause I'm Obese.

There was a guy at the bar last night..a heavy older gentleman with his wife. I happened to see them when they came in and when they left. He was using a walker...now I don't know..maybe I will need that one day...And I hope it is not for my weight. Anyways when they left this guy had tons of problems getting in his mini van. I wanted to help him, but you could see in his face that help was not an option. He eventually got in, but turning the wheel was a struggle..he gut hit the wheel..it was not a happy or pretty sight. I will not be this guy..I was that..I will never be that again. 10 more minutes of cardio...it is worth it.

Diabetes...No I don't want it. I know people that have it, I know people that live with it, and I know I don't want it. Lucky does not even begin to describe my health. A Blessing is more like it. I don't know what angel I have watching over me, but they have pulled me though and pulled me out of a lot of crap. How I'm not dead is well beyond me. But all I know is I don't want to test my blood everyday..I don't want to do it once a day...let alone once a year.

My niece...I've said it before and I'll say it again.. (though she hates me now) Some day she will love me. And I won't disappoint her. I love her with all I have, and the last thing I need is for my sister to explain to her someday that Uncle Dave died from some "fat" related symptom.

My Friends. When I hear someone tell me that I inspired them to work out..it blows me away.. That means if they can do it, cause I do it...then I have to keep going. I can't tell you how fired up I get from that. I wanna be better..not to flaunt it, More just cause I want that...I want to be the greatest..more on this later

My ultimate goal is to play in the NFL...1 game, 1 snap, 1 practice..I don't care..It may never happen, but I want to get to the point that maybe a team would let me try out..even for a day. I just want to put on the pads and the helmet and go play one more time. My biggest regret (besides the weight) was not playing college ball. I had the chance and then LAZY kicked in..and it was over. I want it back..and I will do everything I can..and at some point after begging, convince a team to at least let me try out.

So in the end I have ways to inspire me. I know who what where how and why...its just a matter of everything fitting together and working.

HELLO....been well over a month...

2012-02-24T04:54:00.003-08:00

I didn't realize it has been over a month since my last post. If you can tell by my posts on Facebook, then you know I have yet to give up on the workouts. Though I can't pull a 2-a-day at this point right now. My Cardio seems to have taken a back seat in my workouts. Not only did I become completely bored with it it, I have re-found that love for lifting. It took FOREVER for me to get back into lifting and now I can stop. I still love working my triceps and chest, they where always my favorite 2. I hated doing back shoulders and biceps. But recently I have found myself enjoying back a lot more and also biceps. Shoulders is just an issue. My right shoulder is completely screwed up. Since high school it has been that way. So I really have to take it easy when I do that. I also have to start doing more legs. I really don't do much at all..as with my shoulder my knees aren't in the best of shape..lunges, don't work..squats hurt like hell..but I think if that means doing it with no weights then I may have to. Just in general I feel great...dare I say Amazing. I still know what I am, and who I am..but honestly I haven't felt this good in a long time. Honestly, I don't think I have ever felt this good before..Have I been in better shape...well by shape I guess we would be talking about weight..so yes..but I don't remember feeling this good..not to say I didn't, but it has been SO LONG. After a workout I feel like I'm 16 again.

So whats the goal..this month it would be to do more cardio. go figure..for months it was try to lift, now it is try to get more cardio in. I will..I'm playing with the idea of cardio and lifting in the same workout. I just haven't figured that out yet.

Really I had nothing to write about. Nothing bad. I'm Happy and I feel great..what more can I say.

A side thought

2012-01-16T09:12:00.000-08:00

So its been 2 weeks of 2 a days and I feel great..I'm finally (after like 8 months of talking about it) I'm going to finally get a massage..and it is much needed...but that is not what this is about.

So I started thinking...and over the years with my BS and what not and I had my friends reactions that I dealt with and the loss and gain with them..but there where always my parents that got the brunt force of the madness. If it was my mixed feelings, mostly my anger and pure rage, and my laziness. I know I got the feeling many times, though they never said it, you can see it in their eyes..the eyes always tell the story...that I had failed them. To Epic levels of failing. When working for my father to school to life, and most of all my weight. And what that led to with the anger. I'd lie to them, they knew I was lying I'm sure of it, but what where they going to do about it...nothing really. You don't really want to say why don't you stop fucking up your life to a kid..though I'm sure they said something of the sort before..I didn't care.. I had lost feeling..all of it. There was actually a point that unless it was myself that was suffering, Nothing else bothered me. I thought I was good at playing that off, I'm sure that was not the case. I'd yell at both my parents for whatever reason it may have been. And I'd always say I'm sorry after a blow up argument..some times it wasn't till a few days later...not that it really meant anything, I'm pretty sure it came down to me needing something. I can see my mothers eyes in my head right now...there was a look I saw at one point of my madness, where I believe that for her the end had come. I didn't think anything of it at the time..or if I did, it was along the lines of, you have given up...so be it..I'm going to drink. That's where I was. The darkest place I could ever have been, the day you look into your own mothers eyes and realize you failed. And even worse you don't do shit about it. That was years before I decided to start over. So when I told them I was going back to the gym...when I had half convinced myself that I could really change, I knew they did not believe me. Honestly why would they. This was an on going theme every 3-4 years...it would last 6-8 months and then it would fall apart again. It took a lot to convince them that this time was legit. I still don't know if they believe me. It has been almost 3 years. I've never stuck with anything good for that long..I was 28 it was was March 2009...That was when life changed.

Things are better, esp with my parents..I have my moody moments with them, but who doesn't. I know go to family dinners, whenever they may be (for the most part, there are ones I do miss). I don't see the look of disappointment anymore, sometimes there is still question, and I'm sure after this past year they had their moments. I even admitted, Last year sucked. But no one can believe I actually get up at 4:45 am to work out at 5, I'm still having a hard time believing I can or even am doing it. And then following it up with a second workout. I can say this much, I can tell the difference. I know I'm not close to what I want or expect..but I can feel it in my arms and my other muscles. I can tell in my stomach that it is going back down again. Just the workouts I can tell with the weights going up. I do have more pain, but at this point I feel I have earned that Massage, the main reason I'm going on Thursday. It is an off day...I may lift in the morning and take off one morning lift day this week. like Wednesday...I think I can use it, and would like to get something done before the massage..Logic isn't really there..but in my mind it makes perfect sense. If I'm going to give my body some joy, it has to feel some pain first. I know, I never said I used logic or made and sense. generally I have said I'm insane.

Anyways, I have always loved my parents, even if I never told them, and I love them more now for sticking with me through the hell I put myself and them through. They have done more for me then I can ever repay them for. I promise my mommy (yes mommy, I'm 31, she will always be my mommy) a lot of things..and I intend to keep them. My goals may be insane, or "unrealistic" but I'm going to do whatever I can to possibly get as close to them as I can. I'm done breaking my mothers heart.

All that being said it was enough to truly make me want to go workout later. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning...I woke up and said forget it, I'm going back to sleep, and tried for about 5 minutes...and then got up. Until I decide to change my workout, I'm not going to let my mind do it for me. I know when I need to take off and when I can go..the body is more powerful then the mind.

I look at this poem or quote almost every day...I'll leave the link to it below..but it is the beginning that I look at and repeat a few times a day.

http://skdesigns.com/internet/articles/quotes/williamson/our_deepest_fear/

My favorite part:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

I was just reading this and felt my right Tricep Muscle..I smiled...I'm White Boy Awesome..

Good Workouts make me want to write more.

2012-01-12T04:00:00.001-08:00

Today is Thursday and after 2 days of doubles I'm beat. I really want Monday to be a workout day and as it is today..today will be an off day. In 2 days I've beat myself up pretty good and the rain this morning definitely did not help at all. The rain drop sound kept me in that I'm staying in bed mode. I don't consider this a fail.. The body needs rest to perform at high levels..tomorrow will be the true test. Getting back into it.

So here is the breakdown.
Tuesday: Morning lift. I did my max, 185..i thought it was 180, but I just can't add right..figures
Tuesday: Night Cardio..it was epic, It was just what I needed to re-start, remind myself what I am capable of. pulled off a 70 minute elliptical (1,049 burned) workout..literally it was what I needed. Planned on doing 40 minutes, and when I got there I just kept on going. I was watching Rise of the Apes (the planet of the apes movie). And I REALLY Wanted to see how it ended. so that pretty much pushed me through it. I ended this all with 35 push ups..2 sets, first was 25, 2nd 10, I was burnt

Wednesday: Morning Lift...nothing to impressive, just stuff I wanted to work on
Wednesday: Night Cardio..30 minutes Elliptical 451 Calories burned...I did mostly the normal going forward workout...but for 2 minute intervals I did it in reverse...i think i did that 4 or 5 times, I really have no idea..but it burns and feels great. I would have gone longer, but I wanted to do the step master..little did I know that would be an EPIC Fail. 2 minutes..BOOM, I have no idea how people do this for 20 minutes or longer, let a lone 10 minutes..I just couldn't figure it out. I watched some YouTube trainer videos of the correct way to do it. I also learned that most people do it wrong..don't bend over and stick your ass out, you don't climb stairs that way, so you don't do the stepper that way. I ended it all with Calf Extensions.

Yesterday I got my first order of Pre-Workout Powder in the mail. Its the first time I have committed to something and after testing a few out, I liked this one, Jack3d. Though NO Explode was pretty awesome and made me go slightly insane, this is what a few friends use, is reasonably priced and does work for me. With it they sent a sample of something and also a 12 week book to right workouts in and meals and what not..so I figure why not track it. Lets see how things change in 12 weeks. I made day 1, January 10th. So I plan on keeping track with that, and I'll see how this goes.

Either way, I'm feeling great..it has been a while since I felt this good. I enjoy reading other peoples posts of what they did at the gym or what workouts they are doing for themselves..it keeps me going..1, cause its awesome and 2, cause I have to be better then you. I don't mean that in a cocky or bad way...it is friendly competition...I have to be better, I have to work harder..
: )

Till Next time Smile and Kick Ass!

I'm a morning person???

2012-01-10T04:22:00.000-08:00

I always hated getting up early...I liked the dark, but liked it at night..the night life, the bars, the people....that changed years ago, but getting up at 6 am was part of work, not being a morning person, but waking up between 4-445 to go to the gym...I think I qualify. I seem to enjoy it..I work out, I go to work, I either go home or back to the gym, I relax then go to bed...and then it is the next day. What The F#*K happened to me. I think I grew up and I'm not really sure when.

Anyways, Last week is when it really began. I decided (and knew) that the gym was going to be packed with the post Christmas/New Years Crew..they will work out up until Valentines day and we won't see them again till the week before memorial day weekend. Again, it is their prerogative...whatever I don't care, but I refuse to wait 10 minutes for a dumb bell, a bench or whatever else to lift. Cardio is different. I wont wait, I'll do it, and in fact may inspire me to go longer just to piss off a newbie. They assume the big guy will be on there for 20 minutes then they can use the Elliptical...they won't be as happy when I use it for 45-70 mins..or longer if I can find the energy to get there.

So lets see how last week worked. Tuesday-Saturday I worked out. Busted my ass..in the morning Tuesday through Friday I lifted except cardio the one day..I don't like early morning cardio, it requires a shower after and takes up to much of my morning. So come Friday..I lifted in the morning and busted out a cardio workout. It was awesome, intense and I LOVED IT. This week it started with Monday, I just couldn't get up. And then last night, well I knew it would be crazy..its a Monday in January..not gonna happen.. Today is different..I woke up on the 4th alarm..4:45 am..got up, somehow, though everything inside me said go back to sleep...but I didn't..Went to the gym and did my lifting. Again, I don't do a lot..I do 4 different exercises, I did Bench (4 sets), got my highest ever 180 for 4 reps (I will hit 200 by year end..if not before for min 5 reps), Bicep curls, Tricep Press (up to 60lbs on that) and Lat Pull Downs. Normally I'd go burn out the Tris with skull crushers and then burn my self out with push ups, but I will do that tonight. I will go back later and do cardio. The goal is 40 minutes..I hope to get longer..I'd love a solid hour workout..which would mean 60 minutes, which would turn into 70, cause if I already did 60, really whats 10 more, then follow that up with Skull crushers and then push ups (which if I get 10, I would be slightly impressed). I plan on doing something like this every day this week, well till Friday.. So morning lift and a night cardio...Saturday would be a straight cardio, Sunday and Monday rest...well that is the plan...plans do change..but this is what I am aiming for.

At the least it should be interesting, So we will see how it goes..as of right now I'm researching Preworkout powders. Been testing a few different ones but will be picking up one soon.

Have a Great Day!

And 2012 begins JUST DO IT!

2012-01-03T03:22:00.000-08:00

Wow, 2012, really....it sounds crazy to believe it, but here we are. Well today is the third of January and for whatever reason my body decided to get up at 3 am. I tossed and turned for an hour and then said hell with it and got up. I showered and got my food ready for the day and headed out. By 4:45 am I was the only person sitting in the parking lot waiting for the gym to open at 5am. Really...that's all I could think to myself. Am I really going to work out at 5 am. I guess so. I figure the 5am workout would be less crowded then the 5:30pm workout when everyone and their brother is at the gym for their "New Years Resolution". Now, yes, I get it...trust me I understand...in December 2009 when I joined the gym I was "That Guy". Yea I get it...10 out of the new 100 that join might continue to workout the entire year. Then there are the other 90. The excuses will come. If you are one of those people, I would love to hear your excuse, I've already used them all, so I do have an answer for them all. Yes All of them..
Lets start with the Main excuses:
1. The Gym isn't my thing. The gym isn't any ones thing...no one really wants to to they just do it. Very few people will workout at home. Even if they have all the equipment there. They will find an excuse and do something else. If I get up and drive to the gym, you bet your ass I'm going to do some sort of workout. Just get up, go and walk inside. By saying its not your thing, you are just to lazy to go.
2. People are Judging me while I'm there. Believe it or not...NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU ARE DOING OR WHAT YOU CAN OR CAN'T DO! I don't care if you are fat, skinny, purple or green...unless you make a scene no one cares if you lift light or can only do 15 minutes of cardio. Just block everyone else out..and if you still think people are judging you then use it as motivation. I did it, yea I'm fat, but I can do 70 minutes on the elliptical..that's how that started. I wouldn't lift cause I thought people where secretly talking about me. Which they weren't..I just played mental games with myself...at worst if you talk to these people they may actually give you useful tips.
3. I don't have time. No You do have time, you just don't want to use your free time towards working out. Do you have a free half hour...you say no..i say yes. everyone has 1 hour a day where they do nothing..go to the gym or if you prefer your house and spend a half hour exercising. Trust me you will thank me later. Saying you don't have time is a waste of an excuse. It is because you would rather watch tv or nap or sleep or surf the Internet, or INSERT YOUR EXCUSE HERE. Trust me you will be happier you will have more energy, and a legit reason to be tired.
4. I can't afford it. My guess is that you can...I'm not telling you to get a personal trainer (but if you can afford it, and you have never worked out before, then definitely get one). Most gyms are cheap now. $10-20 a month. I go to Retro Fitness. It is $20 a month. There are a few other fees at first and some random dumb fee in august, but it is in general $20 a month. There are other gyms that are $10 (i think planet fitness) and others are more. But Retro is as basic as it gets. At least the one i go to. It has cardio equipment and weights. No classes or anything. But it does its job. If you truly can't afford $20 a month...then go for a walk around your neighborhood, it is free.

Whats your excuse...Please tell, I'll tell you why you are wrong. Just Do It...(please Nike don't sue me).

Next up is eating..I didn't start new years the best way...Pizza and wings and potato chips aren't really wait I'm aiming for this year. More vegetables is definitely the key. And not with fancy dips or dressings...Raw vegetables. That's what i want. I will still eat meat, I'm not going vegan...I'm just going to eat more vegetables. I'm starting with that today. I did this in 2010, it was excellent, I felt amazing..and somehow last year I swayed from them. I still ate them, but not nearly enough.

Anyways, that's what I have for today..Good Luck to those that try...for those that quit, There is always next year? Sounds like an excuse.....

The End of 2011

2011-12-31T13:57:00.000-08:00

Well here we are..12/31/11 at 4:57 PM. I'm at work for a little to clean out my car and then I will proceed to head up north to a town called stewartsville to celebrate new years with some great friends, one of which is my oldest friend that I can remember...which obviously at this point in time makes him family..though he has been for close to 30 years.

This was a strange year. When I seemed to think I finally understood life and what I was doing, Reality came along and kicked me in the face. It was a rough year, where I battled strong emotions and swings of extreme high to extreme lows. I had my days of greatness, awesome workouts, positive in the head, but with that came weeks and months of depression. Through injury and it all on September 5th it all came back...The mind was made up. There was no turning back. The first time I looked into her eye, all I could do was smile. I couldn't disappoint that little girl. She could never know how bad her Uncle once was or the hell he fought and I refuse to die early and let her suffer any of that pain. I love her. She is my angel.

As I've said in other posts, this wasn't my best year. I lost friends, and I found new ones. Some friendships excelled. There are some people I talk to everyday, and 5 years ago, I thought I may have never seen again. It was a strange year..and I'm sure 2012 won't disappoint. In the end I believe I met one goal on my "new years resolution list". I started lifting more. Now I don't enjoy cardio..go figure. But I have gotten stronger and I know it..I'm not shy or embarrassed about how much, or how little of weight I can lift. I'm doing this for me, not the asshole next to me that may make fun of me cause I'm benching 160...BTW, I don't think I have benched 160, ON the Bar, not the smith machine...(Jared you may remember the last time i did it, Maybe?) Maybe 2004, 2005....maybe? Honestly it was never my strong point..I did 450 the other day on the leg press..boom I'm good.. I know it.

So what am I going to do in 2012...Well Everything i didn't do in 2011...
1. I will get below 300lbs., it won't be easy...blood sweat and tears...I'll leave it all on the floor.
2. I will cut fast food out of my diet...that would be McDonald's, BK, Wendy's, You know them...there are more.
3. I will continue to lift..I want bench 210 by the end of the year..It will be the most I've ever benched..EVER
4. I want to be able to do 1 pull up. I never have been able to, it may not happen this year..but i want to get 1. Even with the counter weight machine, it doesn't matter, I want 1.
5. I will do at least 50 push ups...no breaks...I maxed out this year at 40.
6. I will continue to push towards my dream and my goal. I will not disappoint myself, I will not Give up.

This is it..this is a big year for me..8 months sucked for me last year...by my own doing. This year will be different.

Needless to say, I still had fun in those months, this isn't targeted at the great times I had spent with others..this is a personal thing.

Thank you to all those who continue to follow me. I hope you have a GREAT NEW YEARS, BE SAFE, HAVE FUN.

I'll talk to you all again in 2012...and I promise to try to write more.

I little bit of ALL OVER.....Friends, Relationships and other randomness..

2011-12-15T05:52:00.000-08:00

Maybe I am selfish..I came to the realization last night. I was all hopped up on this pre workout powder and after I was actually done working out, It still had me thinking. I tend to repeat myself so if I posted one like this...then oh well but it is what is on my mind right now. Anyways, I started thinking, at first about myself. Where I am and how this year was a waste. I was upset with myself, I almost gave up this year..gave in. I kind of just went with the flow, and not only did I not take it to the next level, I kind of hit cruise control and may have even slowed down. That changed a few months ago, but not that it is to late, but it is later then I wanted to. I finally started lifting more, and then I moved out of doing cardio, and finally I found my "zone". The perfect workouts, for me....a combo of Cardio and Weightlifting. I'm happy with what I'm doing now but extremely disgruntled of where I stand at this point. I have a long way to go, and now I know I have to push to get there..I always knew, but this year was just ugly. The battle with depression was not good...the typical few days or weeks turned into months of depression. It was awful. And it took a long time to kick it.

While on my "high" I was thinking about my choices...more specifically my friends. Over the years I have gained friends, Lost some, and regained others...some friendships I've destroyed (and will never regain). Its just life.. There came a point that no matter what I care about myself more than anyone else...call it selfish, maybe or maybe not. Once it was a negative way, now it is only positive (minus depression and what not, I mean in general). I've always valued my friendships with others...no matter what level of friendship it was. I believe if you meet someone and you can be friends with them, there is a special bond there. It takes a lot of work to be friends with someone and stay that way. Why do it unless you like a person. It is a lot easier to not like someone and just not care about anyone else...but it takes time and effort. This may have come of bad so far, and It is not meant as a bad thing..it is a good thing. To care enough about someone to read what they right, to comment on their posts on facebook or a Blog, or anything else has to mean something to that person. And it is the effort you put into it. weather I believe It was my fault or not, I will blame myself for blown friendships. Maybe there was something I could have done to keep that friendship. But sometimes it was easier to let go...not one specific..

I guess you can say the same goes for relationships..Its been a few dates since I've "changed" myself, and I'm interested in a relationship, But I'm still highly unsure of marriage and kids and pets and straight up a family. I find it great that my friends have it, and enjoy it...but honestly..I don't believe I want it...At one point I thought I did...and honestly..straight up...I don't think I do. Every ones favorite line is "someday you will meet her and totally fall in love and marry her and have a family"......... Really...I am one stubborn asshole, and won't "settle". There may be 1 girl/woman/female (call her what you want), that may be absolutely perfect for me, and I would do anything and everything and whatever I have to...But chances of finding said person aren't likely...I believe I did find this person, but it will never happen..I know this. Either way, like i said I'm stubborn. I don't like compromise and I have no interest in doing so. I don't know..I like the way I do things, and really I'm not interested in doing things that don't interest me.. I understand, selfish, asshole...whatever. In the end every date ends the same...it is a date...I find girls that want more then a relationship, they want marriage...kids....scary...

I know I'm 31, I should be thinking about this stuff...in my mind, I'm still 21. After blowing away my 20s, it feels like I'm reliving it. There are times I have to remind myself that I'm 31...I don't remember sometimes...I've come up with a set timeline..for 1 thing, and 1 thing only. If I get married and everything works, I will not have a child after 35..I don't want to be anything older then 35 years older then my kid. End of story..That is it. Lets be honest..I'm actually shocked that I'm still alive at this point...when I was 23, I really thought I'd be dead by this point.
I know that's a little disturbing..non the less, my 20's are what I call the bad times.

With all that being said, I love kids...I do, I love my niece, and I love my friends kids. And I couldn't be more excited or happy for them. A marriage or a birth of child, I'm happy and excited for them. But I feel that it is not for me...Its not even what I want. I'm not even trying to find it..If it happens it happens, and if not so be it. This may have hurt some of those friendships...I still talk to 2 of my best friends..but I seem to think they want to do couple stuff..and well I don't have a couple, I have me..

Moving off topic even more...or kind of on topic, but not in the spot it should be. When people tell you how to "find someone", Try online dating..NOT A CHANCE...Tried it once..was an Epic fail and a total waste of time. Every Profile is the same and everyone lays it out..and I quote "I want to get married". I can lie, say yea so do I and maybe they will like me and then date me, and then I'll tell them how I really feel and then I'm an asshole..Its a lot of time and effort...I've said it already, I put that time into my friendships..To put that much time and effort into one person for the possible chance of a marriage...The time and money don't even bother me as much as the compromise..even with watching TV...I have friends that watch shows that their wives want to watch, like The real housewives and kardassians and whatever else...ZERO CHANCE...I know...I'm an asshole..so be it

Anyways..I don't know where this all came from. I guess it has just been on my mind for a while and now I've decided to type it up. Anyways, I'm me..and you can like me, love me or hate me, either way I'll understand.

ON a complete side note, workouts have been great since my knee got better. Lifting and cardio, I'm picking it all back up...Thanks Readers.

Feeling Good

2011-11-15T03:57:00.000-08:00

So I know, 1 year ago I weighed less then I do know. Maybe it should be heartbreaking that I put the weight back on. But I can honestly say I feel better now, then I did then. When I was at that point last year it was straight through cardio, I lost a lot of weight, but had put zero muscle onto my body and had completely burnt myself out. That's when I was doing my 70 minute workouts, and zero lifting..maybe I'd lift a little here or there, but it was more of a twice a month thing then a regular thing. I had felt good, but I also know I wasn't where I wanted to be. Lately has just been better, though I have not been doing as much cardio, I'm starting to dedicate days and even pieces of my workouts to cardio. When I lift I really only do it for about 20-30 minutes. I don't stand around or rest that much. So I've kind of come up with an idea of what I want to do:
Monday: Cardio (at least 40 minutes)
Tuesday: Lift Chest, Biceps, Triceps, Back (4 exercises, 3-5 sets each, 10-12 reps) followed by 15-20 mins of cardio.
Wednesday or Thursday: Cardio (at least 30 mins). Push ups, 20lbs bar workout (front raise, chest press, upright rows, shoulder press..10-15 reps of each...3-4 sets...)
Thursday or Friday: Lift...Not really sure what yet, Most likely some sort of repeat of Tuesday, ending with a burnout on the triceps with skull crushers.
Friday or Saturday: I'm going to try do do some medicine ball workouts and also workouts that I remember from Jared with that big over sized ball. Also mix in some Cardio..likely looking at 30+ Minutes.
Saturday or Sunday: Lift. just whatever I feel like doing, some dips and whatever else I can come up with.

Monday and Tuesday are definite, as in a specific day. I'm looking to get 1-2 rest days..so that is why no other day is definite.

Yesterdays workout for Cardio Monday was wonderful and far from easy. 779 Calories burned in about 51 minutes. It was one of those I don't want to do this days. But I got up there and had to have that mind set each 10 minute interval, ok, you can do 10 more minutes. About 15 minutes in some lady got on the elliptical next to mine, and that alone got me to work to keep pace, or just keep going. I have no clue who she was, but just someone else working out kept me going. So Cardio Monday was a success.

Dreams have been weird. Lots of strange shit, Serial killer families that own hotels. Seeing places that I've seen in old dreams. Restaurants, Hotels all sorts of places that don't even exist, except in my dreams. Stuff that I have not dreamed about in years. It is so hard to explain...I had part of the dream after the gym, and then it happened again when I went to bed last night. A lot of these dreams are insane. A lot of times I get stuck in elevators, where I'm trapped. In really life I'm Claustrophobic...so it happening in a dream and I can't get out, nor can I wake up is 100% terrifying..maybe its my demons trying to prevent me or scare me away from working out? Who knows, I know I'm slightly insane.

Till next time..........

Dreaded Winter and random rambling.

2011-11-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

The winter is slowly creeping up on us, and the little bite of snow came last weekend...I hate winter..I hate everything about it...the cold, the snow....always dark (yea i used to love this)..but now it drags me down. As for last year it killed me..I came off a powerful summer and went into the depression of winter..this year was a 180. This summer sucked..this was the summer I kicked into depression mode. So maybe this winter will be awesome. It is all I can hope for. Bet yet I have to push it to be awesome. I'm trying to keep up with my workouts. Pushing for longer harder cardio workouts...I'm trying to get back up to those 70 minute workouts. I'm just too distracted. I know EXCUSES, they suck..Oh how I KNOW. But it is the truth, and I've tried to be nothing but honest with my followers. So I have to try to stay focused on that. The lifting has been going well, the weights have increased and I've added more things into the workouts...this goes back to Jared's ways of kicking my ass. The little things like medicine ball workouts and body bar workouts. 8 pounds goes a long way in breaking you down. I think I will start my push ups again. They took a back seat a while ago, so I'm pretty positive that I can't do 20 of them..let alone 40...

I'm still angry, and I still hate...not at other people, but just at myself. Thankfully I use that to excel when I work out..I used to fuel that anger back into beating myself..physicaly..I talked about this before..yep my scary scary scary place that I was once at. It happened over the summer, I hit myself again..I know it sounds strange..but it is that or someone else..and in the end I'd rather hurt myself then go to jail. SO...it definitely hurt more than it used to. I don't know if it's cause I was used to it before or I got stronger..either way, at least it has been a few months. Lifting has helped me control my anger. Moving on, Jared if you still read this...my right shoulder still hurts..

Maybe I should get it checked out..I don't. I still refuse to go to the doctor unless I'm dying. Last time I went I had Bronchitis some 4-5 years ago..a year and half before my peak of hell. Peak sounds to nice..it was more of my bottomless pit..

Anyways, as my bipolar self moves on, Today I'm happy.. No real reason..(I'm not really sure if I'm bipolar, I just say I am cause I can go from happy to sad and everything in between in a matter of minutes)

Also I pretty much have completely decided I don't give a crap about what others think of me..I'm tired of trying to impress people. I'm me, and if you don't like me, then move on.

I still read my old posts. If anything to see the mind set of where I was...and where I am...to see if the change is positive. My favorites are still "Whats it really like" and "follow up to yesterdays Post". They may have been my most heart felt moments..when I truly laid it out there and just exposed myself. It was the pain I had trapped inside for many years..and it all came out..I usually read them once a month. I need to remind myself of it..The Hate...All the Hate..and not from others..more the hate that I have.. I read other posts, like I said..reminding me of my goals..and my over dreaming..I pushed a lot on to myself and when I finally broke, and by broke, I mean lost it...and realized I wasn't going to hit set goals on the dates I said I would, I had borderline cracked..Almost binged...I'm not doing this for a show or for money..I had to calm myself down..and if you know me, that is not easy. I had to pull myself back into reality..this is for me..and no one else. If you haven't noticed I enjoy using periods....like that... Ok, back to the point. I know why and I know how...I know have to just keep my mind going. Like I said, I'm easily distracted..I'm distracted right now..I'm just typing what pops into my head..it has nothing to do with anything else.

If you have stuck with me to this point, I'm sorry that I ramble on. It happens to me a lot. I will try to update you more as I continue with my Journey. As things improve I will share.

Thanks as always

A little of this, A little of that, and my Rant.

2011-10-25T04:13:00.000-07:00

There was a point yesterday that I had seemed to forgot all about the past few months. That everything was perfect. I still know who I am and what I need to do, but I can honestly say may workouts have never been better. Even when I was killing my self with cardio, the are much more balanced now. With the right mix of cardio, lifting and rest I feel things are coming together better then before. I am 100% sore, but it has been a long while, where I have felt this way and knew it was for good reasons. Anyways I feel Great. I got home from the gym yesterday and before I showered I wanted to eat..I was starving. So I changed real fast, I took off my sweaty shirt (don't get to excited) and put on another shirt I had near by. It was a little tight a few weeks ago (which was depressing, or a mind game, its all the same) and for the first time in a while I felt like I was swimming in it. It could only make me smile. I started to notice some definition in my arms, not much, but it is relevant that know you can tell that I have been lifting.

Yesterday I almost lost it at the gym. I went in to do cardio, I was in a good mood and just wanted a good workout. My legs where tired from the calf extensions I did on Saturday. SO I just wanted to do an elliptical workout, as it is easier on my legs. Of course they where all full, except the movie room. So I decided to go there. Of course the movie was a chick flick, PS I love you, but I'll deal. Once I started there where 2 girls there already and they where talking. It didn't bother me that much..to be honest whatever they where talking about was more exciting then the movie. The movie ended and restarted, at that point I figured I'll deal with it and watch and just bust out a good workout even though I didn't care for the movie. I didn't have that opportunity. 5 more women walked into the movie and all of a sudden it became a F'N social club. Really, I wanted to kill them all. 7 women talking over the movie...why cause they couldn't hear each other OVER THE MOVIE...do you see the logic, am I missing something. It is bad enough when people are obnoxious on the gym floor (outside the movie room), but is there any courtesy at all...NOT WITH THEM..this was obviously all about them and no one else mattered. Where I wanted to say something, I figured it was just better to cut my cardio workout short and go do some calf extensions. Common Fucking Courtesy goes a long way..like Shutting the Fuck Up so people can watch a movie. If you want to talk, go to your house and workout, or a starbucks..or a bar, not the gym. I don't care what is important about your day or your life...shut up so I can work out. That's the last time I forget my headphones, at least then maybe I could have blocked them out while listening to music on my iPhone. Sadly that wasn't even an option.

Anyways, now that I'm done my rant, today I'm taking off (as of now, we all know that may change). I'm really tired and sore, and if I do go, today will likely be a lifting day...some more biceps, triceps, chest and back. Though besides the calf extensions I have to come up with a better leg workout. I never liked working legs, I used to like leg press, but that was about it.

Hopefully the goodness continues. By Goodness I mean good workouts. Though it used to keep me sane, it now is slowly driving me insane. But that's fine, I'll Deal. On a side note my little angel (my niece) is almost 2 months old and I love her more everyday. She is my drive right now. Her little face brings a smile to mine even on my worst of days.

Happy Tuesday everyone.

Why did I stop lifting before?

2011-10-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I was thinking. I'm finally over the fact of what others at the gym think of me. Yea I should have been over that on day one..but it took almost 2 years. Weight Lifting is such a stress relief. It still takes time to actually want to work out, but once I get started I'm in my zone. My weights are still low, but if I learned anything from Jared over the years..you don't need to use a lot of weight to kick your ass. I remember doing bench press with Jared and was only benching the bar and 10lb weight on each side and crying by the end. Jared, I know this made you smile, I do miss those workouts. Anyways, I'm going back to what I used to do. I still do weight training....mostly 4 specific workouts. Bicep Curls with the wavy bar....i don't know what its actually called, but it is wavy...Dumb Bell Bench (flat and incline), seated rows (I think) and Tricep press. I love those 4/5 exercises. I don't do much else, maybe I should but they are my complete and total comfort zone and work at least 4 things that need to be done. Then I started back up with the body bar. The prime example of a workout that isn't much weight but will totally kick your ass. I do 3 things with it..for now, used to be 4, but my should after all these years is still F'd up. With the bar (that may weigh 8-10 lbs) I do front raise, upright row and standing chest press...thats 1 set. I do 3-4 of those with 10-15 reps and a burn out at the end. It destroys me..I remember Jared making me do it, it kills me. LOL. Then one of my favorites, which I did yesterday. Skull crushers to just totally burn out the triceps. Why the hell not, right. So i do those on my back, with a 25lb plate. I do the skull crushers (sets of 12-whatever) and then up and down over my chest, I shoot for the same number that I did with the Skull Crushers. I will normally do 3-5 sets of these, pretty much till I burn out.

On top of the lifting I'm still mixing the cardio in. I have to..with the knee straining right now the best is the elliptical. The treadmill is to much stress on the knee. So I do the Elliptical and normally on a level 7. I was pushing up the level to 20 or so for a minute, but now (after talking to someone who I won't mention unless she wants to be mentioned) I do it on a higher level for 3-5 minutes. Kicks my ass. So happy to be back into it again.

I finally feel great again..what took a good 4 months. But now it is great again. I'm clearing my mind and not letting things linger. I can't. I need to press on. I will try to keep you all updated, and I appreciate the comments on here, on FB, and even just the likes on FB. Every little bit helps more than you can know or even understand.

Since Last Time

2011-10-13T17:49:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, I've been better..for the most part. Less bad thoughts, less eating bad, and in fact eating better. Drinking more water. I added that god awful tasting cranberry (pure, which means no sugar or sweetener, just pure bitter cranberries) back into my morning routine. And lately I have been weight lifting more. I moved away from it for a while, now I seem to do less cardio, but I am enjoying the weight lifting. It was definitely needed. I don't work out for as long, but I also don't feel the need to. I don't rest long between a set. If I rest 20 seconds I'd consider that a lot. I don't like to much rest. I then get bored. I mix it up, but usually stick to the basics. Incline DB Chest Press, Bar Biceps, Tricep Press, and back. Usually row machine. Also Been doing this Body Bar workout..that involves front raise and upright row. It isn't much weight but it works. That's really it. Just keeping you informed with whats going on. As I found out last time I have around 8 people or so that are still interested...I do appreciate it. It helps.

same old song and dance.

2011-09-26T04:51:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks and months things have changed. Around March, I couldn't wait for may and nice weather. The year before, May-August where Key Months for me. I was happy, my workouts where amazing, I was eating healthy, and I assumed that this year would be the same...It wasn't. Not even close...and very far from. I had fun at times but for the most part I went in to a 3 1/2 month depression kick. I don't know what came over me and it hit hard. It was ugly...and it just seemed right. Like I actually missed the depression. The Lies...I fought back at moments, going on week stints at the gym where I did everything right..just like i was supposed to do. Not giving up and pushing hard...and then it stopped..but not for a day or 2...for 2 or 3 weeks...of depression. I turned to those things that helped before. Drinking more, even to the point of vomiting, eating worse...mmm fast food, my retreat from reality, and long hours of sleep and tv. Just being lazy. I pushed some people away..some where friends and by August, after my 31st birthday, I decided to just stop going to the bar on weekends. I usually had something else at least one of those days, usually going to a party at someones house. But I didn't stop going out cause I didn't want to spend money or that I didn't want to drink twice that weekend, I stopped going out cause I didn't want to be social. I didn't want to see anyone. I had given in, into that one thing I've been fighting for 2 years...I let it back into my life. Maybe I became comfortable, I knew what I had to do, how to fight them off...but it was just easier to let them back for a little while. It was the end of august...that's when I realized I had fucked up. I went to a party on a Saturday...That morning I realized that the next day was a friends Baby Naming....pretty big thing in Jewish culture...anyways, I could easily had gone and hung out for a few hours had some fun and came home, to go to the naming...instead I got wasted. I wasn't going to make it the next day. I went home the next day and went to bed. I never said anything to that person...Nothing..no I'm sorry, nothing...not a damn thing. I know, I've become a bit of an asshole again. I only care about myself. I realized I wasn't being me...shit happens, right. Well I can't contact this person, its the end of September and I'm pretty sure he is content with the fact that I probably don't exist in his life anymore, I know if someone did that to me...Well I would be content in them being gone. A week or two later, Ella was born...I looked into her eyes for the first time and decided I wouldn't disappoint her. I won't let her grow to love me and then disappear...I'm not going to die early on her. I want to be there for her...I love her, she is my little angel. Over the years I have lost friends and gained friends and lost some again...I know a lot has to do with the way I am and the way I act, and the way I go in and out of my phases of life. I've disappointed my family and my friends over the years...Hell I've disappointed myself on more then one occasion..but this little girl doesn't know that, or need to know that her uncle was an awful person. She just needs to know that I will love her and do anything for her. So since then I've been doing well, with eating and the gym, and the drinking. I have worked out harder then I did all summer. I've been eating better, I've had my few days, but not an everyday thing. I've been pushing and trying to keep up with my writing...two times this month..I haven't done that in some 6 months. There are a few friends I lost this summer, most are probably at my hands. That's just the way it is. That is life. Some I was wrong on....others...well who knows. Maybe I'm not back to the mind set I should be in..but this is no 12 step program. So be it..Maybe next time I will stop making excuses..That's what I've lived with for 12 years, excuses...

Mind Games

2011-09-08T06:10:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of these this year, a lot of strange emotions and I have just been rough on myself. It happens, it is nothing new. I'm not where I was one year ago and everyday I beat myself up for it. I was down about 20-30 pound more last year then I am now, and though I'm still down from where I was, I'm not happy with where I am. I should be just over 300 by this point and instead I'm closer to 400. Eating has been off, workouts have been sluggish and My mind has traveled through many areas I had not hoped to go back to. I've been blowing people off, still not as much as before, but enough to make me question myself. Maybe I was doing better when I was writing more, did it keep me more motivated?? I stopped, This will be my 8th post since April, Last August I had 8 posts that month. I believe I've been bottling up a lot of my anger and fears and emotions. I've been letting them get the best of me. I've been finding reasons to blame "things" on "things". Excuses have been around. And honestly I never considered any of this until Monday at 1:45 in the morning when I got a text from my father saying my niece was born. I shot up and ran to my car to drive to the hospital. During that drive, I was full of excitement and happiness...and after I saw her and fell in love with the little girl (who i know refer to as my angel) I realized that the past 6 months had been a fucking joke. For everything I said I would do and what I wanted to do, Its been a damn joke. I haven't pushed myself to my limits, I've pretty much coasted. I've been laid back and down right lazy. I do what I can and only a handful of times have I tested my limits. It became routine. I've done a handful of 70min workouts and 1000 Calorie workouts, and even when I say I'm going to push myself i find an excuse to stop. I never gave up, but I never really tried. If anything since September 5 2011 at 1:45 in the morning, the only thing I realized is, I don't want this little girl to love me and then have to suffer my loss when shes 5 or 7 or 10...or worse when she is 15 and actually will fully remember who I was. Has she inspired me to press on...move forward to become someone better. Maybe. I've had one workout since she was born, and that was yesterday, and it sucked. It was my first one in 4 days. I've had no sleep since Saturday when my sister went in. I lifted that day..or was was it Friday, I don't remember. First time I lifted in a month..or longer. and then it was cardio yesterday..only 2 miles, in about 24 minutes..it wasn't anything to write home about. Summer is over like that and though I had fun hanging out with people, in general as a whole, there is a void left...it wasn't a great summer...I had long stretches of depression..a lot of the time it was masked by food or alcohol. I battle with myself a lot..and I guess I always will...But I really have to kick my ass in gear, if i even want to come close to hitting any goals. This year was a wash...I don't consider it a failure, but I don't consider it a success...it was just....JUST. Only I can save myself.

Update for the past month and a half.

2011-08-09T05:24:00.000-07:00

Its been over a month since I have done a post. Honestly I had nothing to write about. I still don't think I do. But I figured I'd give it a shot. I've been idol for a few months. Haven't had the intense workouts that I was pulling off last year. but That doesn't mean I have stopped all together either. I Still have my goals and its more about focus. Like anything i get bored easily..this is no exception. After the Total control that I had last year..this year it is spotty at best. I've tried Lifting and the treadmill and the bike and nothing can hold my attention. So I've started back on the elliptical, talk about a downer...going from 70-90 min workouts last year and barely making it to 35-40 minutes now. I'm still down from where I was, but not close to where I want to be. Its a lot of things and I just have not been fully committed to it this year. When things are going great, you don't realize how much you are putting into it, you just seem to think that it comes easy..and then you lag, and before you know it, you start to try to push again and everything seems to suck.

I played wiffle ball last week for the first time in a while. It felt good, I didn't feel as though I had fallen far behind. This is a good thing. I know I still have a lot of work, and i just have to be mentally ready for it.

I'm going to delete my "fan page" on face book. I haven't looked at it in 3 months and the purpose has died out with it. Its harder to go for whatever reason with the iPhone, then it was with the blackberry.

I've really just grown tired of being over excited. I was excited when it was something new...its not, its life now. Trust me, I'm still happier then I have been in years. Just in conversation with people I've recently met. The question is (now that I'm 31) where did you go to school what did you graduate with...well I didn't graduate cause in my early 20's I was a fuck up. Common trend that i hear. "that is surprising, you seem like the motivated type that gets what you want". Yea only if they knew. The past 2 1/2 years have been eye opening for me. I've been at the gym for almost 2 years and some faces stay the same, a lot have changed. They come and go. I don't' want to be one of those faces that people saw and now is gone.

This is by no means a plea for help, or motivation. Its my mental game that I have to battle with. I know what I have to do, and I should have done most of it a while ago. I will never give up on my goals. But in the end I'm more laid back then I was when I was in full aggressive mode last year. Say what you want..I know some of you want to say I told you so., you can shove that I told you so up your ass, I'm far for quiting..I just went veered of the the smooth road for a while.

Anyways, that's my update for the last month and a half or whatever it has been. If anyone still reads this thanks for following, If not, its ok, its my thoughts, and I'll end up back here reading them for myself.

Letting Go...

2011-06-28T04:36:00.000-07:00

Its been roughly a month since i wrote anything here. It has been a rough one to say the least. I hit a bad stage of depression somewhere in the middle of this month when true signs started popping up that my car was beginning to fail on me. I know most people will think "really, you got depressed over car issues", yes, i did. I've had this Trailblazer since 2001 or 2002, maybe 2003...either way it has been a while. I remember when I got it, and it has been very reliable for me. Over the past few years things started to go on it, and had to be replaced, but each time it held on for a little bit longer. until the next problem. and the next and the next. This time i knew it was over. I took it in for an oil change, Which i kept putting off cause every time i go, something new is broken. I didn't want to hear about it. With 177,500+ miles, putting at least 3 grand into it, just wasn't worth it anymore. needless to say that only solves the major problems. The AC/Heat stopped working for the most part, the one speaker only works for 2 hours once a month. The back driver side window wont go down. It has its issues. But this SUV has been my back bone for years. When I was happy, it was there. When I was depressed and needed to go for a ride, it was there. No matter what. When I was at my peak of weight it held me up..and when I started to lose weight the car worked with me. I've never been good at letting things go. Like my Walter Payton Jersey (which i will never get rid of), this SUV has been threw it all. So for the past 2 weeks I've been depressed. I think I've worked out twice, and when I'm depressed, I eat. So that's what I've done. I've eaten, not as bad as I would have a few years ago, but still not great and combined with no working out, well I've put some weight on for sure. I've been a little lazy and just over all feeling like shit. I get less sleep a night and haven't even had the energy to do simple tasks.

Overall with the closure of finding a car, that hopefully will be reliable for the next few years, I have some relief. It isn't in my hands yet, and I have to push through with my "Best Friend" for a few more days. I know most of you won't get this, but it does bring some sadness to see my Trailblazer go. I talked to him on the way to work, asking for him to make it a few more days. To just hold out and keep going like he always does. I think he agrees (yes i know its a car). But to me it is more than that, This is the story of my life. I just don't let go easily. So with this all being said, I am excited for my new Blazer..Oddly enough it looks exactly like my trailblazer, also black with grey interior. I will have a new friend to experience this process with. I will also be getting back into the gym. I need to start pushing myself again. Sorry This wasn't much about workouts, or anything..but this is what I had on my mind today.

Loving it

2011-05-27T06:43:00.000-07:00

The one week I did the 2 a days it felt great, I've been having a problem going to sleep recently so getting up early to pull off a 2 day has been hard this past week. None the less I have been way more active and just living it up. I'll be 31 in a few months and I feel better now than I did when I turned 21. I said in a few posts I started playing Wiffle Ball this year. I can't begin to tell you how great it feels to be outside on the weekend and participating in an activity that doesn't involve be sitting there doing nothing. I'm not that good, infact I suck at hitting, in the field I am a self proclaimed Gold Glover, and I have no problem getting dirty with it, I dive, I slide and the next day I'm in a WORLD OF PAIN, but I am so happy to just be out there in the sun and excercising in a fun way. So I take the pain and go on enjoying life.

So it really has been a while since I posted anything..Today I got back to the Gym after Memorial Day weekend. I started posting this before MDW, so the date may be from then instead of today..

Today I will do a Cardio workout and maybe some Tris. I wanted to wake up this morning and go lifte, but it didnt' happen, I will be trying to work on that and try to go to bed earlier. I'd really like to post more also, but my life has been really boring lately...so hopefully the workouts will go to great levels, maybe then i'll have something better to write about. Anyways..Have a Great Day..

A much needed day off

2011-05-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

After a non-stop week of pushing my limits I needed to rest today. The minute I woke up, I knew there was no way I was going to the gym today. I guess it hasn't really been non-stop, I did take of Wednesday last week..but I killed it this weekend. I've added lifting back to my workouts and have been mixing in push ups still and other workout after my cardio workouts. Skull Crushers has become my friend. I was only able to do 20 max in a set with 20 lbs, but Sunday I did 2 sets of 50 reps, with 20lbs. I was very excited, it felt like an accomplishment. Now its time to take it to the next step. I found out today that the gym opens at 5am, I thought it was 6, but 5 makes my life that much easier. (yea, I can't believe I just said that). So the plan is to wake up at 5 am tomorrow, get to the gym by 5:15 or so, and lift. It doesn't take me very long, only 20-30 minutes. I don't do many different exercises and I don't rest much. Good or bad, it will also be 5:30 in the morning. I haven't done these workouts in years. But I won't stop with that, after I go to work, I will go back to the gym and get my cardio workout in. By the time tomorrow night rolls around I should be half dead..or half alive..same thing.

Any way you see it, Summer is here (kind of) and this is the weather that pushes me. I can't explain it, but when it is hot out, I can just push myself harder then I can when it is cold. So tomorrow is Day 1 of 2 a days. I don't plan on doing it every day, but it has to start someplace. I will try to do this 2-3 times a week. Should be exciting. As always I will update my followers as I go.

Been gone but not Lost.

2011-05-03T17:13:00.000-07:00

Hello Followers...Sorry its been to long. I've been playing a lot of catch up and really just have not had time to write. But just so you know, I have NOT QUIT. So let me update you .

The push up challenge has come to an end. I have not hit 100 Push Ups (without stopping) but I also got stuck on week 4, for to many weeks. So it is time to mix it back up. Today I did 600 Calories on the Elliptical and then decided to go do push ups. I did about 7 sets, totaling 100 Push ups. That was awesome...I think I may have been able to do more, but I'm not going for bust on this. Tomorrow I want to get some lifting in. I'm going to likely do some triceps and then some cardio, and then maybe more push ups. That's the plan. This past weekend, I started lifting again for the first time in 3-4 months. I did Biceps and Chest, and it destroyed me, But it felt great to get back at it. It feels good to finally be spring and to get back into the full mode workouts. Though I know I'm doing things right, I know I could be doing better.

I really have to sit down and reconstruct my diet. Cutting carbs and un-needed calories. All while still eating enough to be able to make it through my day and my workouts. This has always been a problem for me. It is all or nothing. I have the mindset that if I eat to much..that it will be bad for me..when in reality I need calories to just move. But I'm afraid if I eat to many I will go back to what I was. I know I don't eat enough, and I don't try to make it up either (make it up as in eating unhealthy---sugars). I'm afraid of the crash that I had at the end of last summer, when my body, just completely gave out on me, from pushing so hard and eating to little, adrenaline, sometimes is not enough. I put weight back on in the winter, By no means did I gain a ton back, it was 20 pounds give or take, is my guess, but its 20 I don't want. So now I have to fight to get that back off and lose more.

Reality is I know what I have to do, but I just have to push to get there. Stick with things that work, but try new ones that can only help. Its going to be a crazy next few months, and before you know it winter will be back. I just want to start hitting my goals. There is a lot of time left. But I'm not going to put myself down, or make excuses. A lot of good has come out recently. Even though I'm going to stop the push up challenge, as of right now, I can do about 40 push ups with out stopping. When I started doing push ups...what like 8 months ago. I was able to do 10-12 in a set. I remember writing a few months ago that I did 5-8 sets after a cardio workout once, and did a total of 50. And I was thrilled, cause I couldn't remember the last time I did that. Now I can bust out 100 (total) after a cardio workout. That is some definite improvement. Things will get better, I can feel it. Meanwhile my body is hyper at night, it doesn't want to sleep. When I do fall asleep it is great and I will sleep, but getting to that point sucks. I don't take as many naps during the day or on weekends. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. Either way, I have not given up, Giving up is not an option.

A little flashback for you: 1 year ago, I was finally getting into my own. I was still struggling in my mind, with constant depression and anger.
2 years ago, I was briefly into my change...I was lifting and trying to get back into the fact that I need to lose weight, I had not accepted that fact that I was almost 500 lbs, but knew I need a lifestyle change.
3 years ago, I was pretty much at my worst. I hated everyone. I hated my friends, I hated my family, I hated myself, and I was in total denial of what I had turned into.

I can say this much..though the depression is never gone, it is not nearly as relevant as it once was. I still have anger problems, but it is nothing that causes me to go eat like I did or tear apart my room or break things. It is short bursts that requires me to step back, take a look at the situation and just calm myself down, it usually happens on off days from the gym, go figure.

Either way, there is no quitting...

I will try to update more often.

Quick Update, Week 3 finished

2011-04-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

Its been a few weeks since I have wrote anything, so I decided to update everyone on my status. I just completed week 3 of the push up challenge. I had to do this week twice, which if anything angered me. I guess I thought since week 1 and 2 where so easy week 3 would be also. That is not the case. Week 3 drove me crazy and was painful. Either was yesterday I finished it off. Week 4 starts tomorrow. Its been going good. I have been getting in some great workouts and trying to push myself. I feel I have to do more. I feel I've hit a wall and have to find my way over it. I guess it really is just a matter of keeping with it. There are times where I feel like I have put a ton of weight back on. But I know I have not. Its such a mental overload. I don't know if I'm going to get to the point of doing 100 push ups or not, but I know I'm not going to give up and continue to push it. I'm gr owning tremendously bored with cardio. I know I can go longer, but trying to clear my head to get to that point is overwhelming. It felt so easy last year and this year, it just seems like "it" is not there. I don't blame anything per say, I think I need hotter weather. I don't know why that's the case. Either way I have to figure out todays workout. It may be an off day as I don't get out of work till 4:15 or so, and by the time I get to the gym it will be almost 5, and with dinner tonight at 6...the gym isn't likely. Which means I will start back up tomorrow. I'm looking forward to pushing my body and my mind. I want the goals to get here quicker..but I know that is not the case. I just have to keep a clear head, and move forward. Talk to you all later, and I will try to update the blog more frequently.

After 2 Weeks of Push ups

2011-04-06T07:52:00.000-07:00

2 weeks of the push up challenge are over and on Monday I did my re-evaluation to see where I stand. I got 36 without stopping. I can't tell you the last time I was able to do that, and it felt great. Today I will start week 3, which by looks alone looks impossible. But I can't wait to begin it. Todays goals will be: 14 18 14 14 then max out (min of 20). This day doesn't look to bad, but as the week goes on, its a little scary. But I can't look to far ahead, I just have to concentrate on what is in front of me. Workouts continue to go well even though I've been sparatic..but I'm keeping up with quality cardio workouts and will start doing more floor exercises soon. I may have to start lifting weights again, I was doing good with those and then they took a back seat to everything. I feel lazy when I lift weights, I don't know why, I just dont feel I get as good as a workout..thats why I started doing pushups in the first place. We will see how it goes. April has started, the weather is tinkering on perfect, so workouts will definitley be getting better. I love working out when it is nice out. Hope everyone is doing well..

5 Years Ago..Continued

2011-03-30T05:23:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when I site down to write (type) I forget what I am writing about, or what I want to write about. So this is a continuation from yesterday...the 5 year change... I just got done my breakfast, cottage cheese with flaxseeds on top...No it doesn't sound that great, but I actually enjoy it. Forget 5 years ago what I might have eaten (really I don't remember that far back) but 3 years ago, it would have been 2-3 of those tastycake pies, possibly pancakes and bacon (obviously with 5 or more of those little butter things and at least 2 syrups) and if wawa still had them out the bagels with pepperoni and cheese, 1-2 of those. That was breakfast, I really don't think I eat that many calories (or negative calories) in one day anymore. So if that was breakfast what was lunch..and snacks an dinner...Lunch today I have a yougart Dannon Light & Fit..it is Strawberry Chessecake, 80 Calories. for snacks I have 2 oranges, 2 bannanas and another yougart if I want it, Raspberry also 80 Calories. And after my workout tonight I'll have some Chicken (most likely) and some vegetables. And I'll be good..also water throughout the day. Talk about changing. The lunch well it would have been a pizza and wings or a cheese steak and fries with cheese or the massive fries or whatever they are called with the cheese and bacon and whatever...and if i was bored with that, McDonalds was key or wendys or BK..but why go small when you can go big..Big Mac at MDs or the triple cheeseburger at wendys, but nothing beat the Triple Stacker at BK or the Quad Stacker (that had to be close to 1000 by it self. Ever take a trip to all 3 cause you liked something more at one then the other. I Did...BK For the Quad Stacker Meal, w/ Onion Rings...then to Wendys for some Fries..then over to MDs for a Big Mac and double cheese burgers. Didn't do that often, but did it enough to now be disgusted by it. This was usually the dinner trip. Note: at this point, there was no working out. I know I talk about my past eating a lot, but this is stuff I have to remind myself about. It's hard for me to even admit to myself, to this day, that I had a problem back then. No one likes to feel defeated, and I can not even begin to tell you how different my mindset is now..and it is not just in my eating, its with everything. I actually had money back then, and just kept racking up bills. My money went to 3 things..ciggerttes, FOOD and alcohal. And that was it..nothing else. sometimes I'd buy dvds or sports cards (my hobby) but nothing else. I'm not lying when I say I racked up massive credit card debt and I have nothing to show for it...cause I smoked it, Drank it or Ate it away. Fast Food may be cheap, but not when you spend $30 a day at the drive thru. I'm still paying off the debt, but It is under control now. I'm working on bettering myself..Everyday I have reminders of what I did, who I was. Everyday I want to kill that person, and when I go to the gym and I struggle, I think of him..and that extra 10 mins of cardio becomes that much easier. I'm out of the depression I had for a few months this winter. I know if can come back at any time. It will be back before the summer, It like to peek its ugly little head out every once in a while to remind me tha I am human. I just have to remember that 5 years ago I was the most misrable man alive (took a long time to realize that even though a few friends called me out on it), because I couldn't control myself, and today...I'm happier then I have ever been.

5 Years Ago..

2011-03-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

A lot of times you hear people ask "where do you think you will be in 5 years". Well 5 years ago if you asked me that question, the likely answer was 6 feet under. Its the reality of what may have happened if I had not decided to change my life. I still believe I'm not in the clear, I still weigh over 350 pounds, I'm still not in the greatest of shape, But maybe after my 4 chance I'm finally doing something right. I haven't been to a doctor for an actual check up in some 6 years. And I'm still not ready to go see one. I may be afraid that something is actually wrong with me. But for whatever reason I feel like I'm fine. I know it sounds odd, but it is what keeps me going. It is all about how I feel. I'm happy I don't think about death like I used to. I used to obsess over it. I though about going out and getting demon tattoos all over, cause it represented me. How I felt about life, and what really bothered me. Today, In 5 years, I know that I will be happy, by then the pieces will have fallen into place. I can't tell you what I'll be doing, but I will be living the real me...not this person that I spent 10 years creating.

5 Years ago it was fuck the world, someone did me wrong...god fucked me. I was my own worst nightmare, I didn't believe in myself, and I let everyone know it. I was a freak of nature [where I believe I still am it is for the better : ) ]. I didn't care...about anything, esp other peoples feelings..I didn't care if you had a bad day, I had a bad week, a bad life. Yea my parents worked their asses off to give me what I wanted, and I had the bad life (that's how my mind worked). It didn't see that I took myself and destroyed it, right before my eyes. The world is clear...Life is clear..and in 5 years when I look back at 10, I hope to see the distant memory of someone that I know longer know.

100 Push up Challenge...Why not

2011-03-22T04:56:00.000-07:00

Since my last post (a few days ago) I've had this euphoric high. Its that look, that feel I had last summer when everything was just right. Well its back, and it came back sooner then I thought after that rough patch I went through. I've been building up my cardio workouts and pushing back towards what I know I can do. Last Monday I started with 45 minutes, 50 on Tuesday, 55 on Wednesday...Thursday Rest..Friday I think was a quick one maybe 30 mins and push ups, Saturday Off, Sunday 46...So come Monday I decided to push it. the first 45 minutes was smooth and easy and then I thought the wall had collapsed on me, I was shot. Difference then normal, I was getting that 70. Seriously it was 25 more minutes..I just did 45 minutes with 70 being the goal for the day, I wasn't stopping at 45. It felt like an hour, but it got done. It was perfect. 1,049 Calories, 70 minutes, and I think it was 4.96 miles. Not my best Numbers..slower pace then normal, but its been a long while since I broke 1000 Calories and did a 70 minute workout.

I actually like to do push ups now, by no means am I that great at them, or can I do all that many, but I've noticed some toning in my arms since I've added them to my workout. I like that. So I was online searching and found this program, its 6 weeks and the goal is to do 100 consecutive push ups. Old Dave..laugh at the thought and move on..New Dave...This looks interesting lets take a look. Definitely going to try this. The website: http://hundredpushups.com I do push ups on my knees. I've tried to do them off my knees, but I'm not there yet. So I will attempt to do this twice. Once on my knees and when I'm ready I will do it off my knees. Anyways, There is really nothing much to report on this yet, as I have not started the six week program yet. If anything it should be interesting. They also have programs for 200 squats, push ups and soon pull ups (I've never been able to do those).

I will be starting the 100 Push Up challenge next week...and see if I can do it in the 6 weeks, they say it may take longer, I'm not overly concerned. Its the fact that I will get it done. In 6 weeks would be nice, but I'm trying to be realistic and know that it may take longer.

PMA EVERYDAY!

Cleaning Up...My Life..1 Day at a Time

2011-03-16T19:20:00.001-07:00

I've made some big changes recently, striving for the best I can be, and it is not all about the weight loss. This past weekend I cleaned my room..I still got stuff to do, but for the first time in a long time, I fully cleaned my room...I actually threw things away. I've been a boarder line hoarder for years. It started with collecting..and collecting anything Key Chains, Sports Cards, Toy Cars, Shot Glasses, Beer Glasses, Magazines, News Papers.....and so much more. Most wasn't organized, It was just there..just like those shows on TV. I'd just throw them on the floor. I had Trash building up. Clothing piled up in corners of the room, dirty or clean, who really knows. Id was stuff as I needed it..and just let piles grow. The time came, the time to clean..It took close to 7 hours just to clean off the floor and vacuum it..It was just gross. I was disgusted the entire time, that I could even let it get to this point, and live in it. The room needs to be dusted still and the closet needs to be done, but that is the next step. Now is trying to keep it the way it is. After that, it will be time to fix/clean/paint the walls. Those walls are damaged by years of Anger...Holes from my fists or countless items I threw at the wall. The walls are just covered in dirt. I figure while I clean up my life and health, I have to push it at the other things around me. Now I just have to attack my car...That could be a good 3 hours by it self...yea, I'm a little bit of a disaster.

This leads me to the weight. Sometimes you hear the easy part is getting it off, it is trying maintain it, that's the hard part...I wish that was the hard part. The first 50 seemed like it happened overnight..now its hard..But I've moved on from that winter funk. 2 weeks ago I cleansed, and last week I took off from going to the gym. Monday I went back..and I don't plan on looking back. Monday I did 45 minutes, Tuesday was 50, and Today (Wednesday) I did 55 Minutes. I'm slowly picking it back up and just like before, its the battle with the voice and the demons..Remember the voice, He is back..thankfully, I kind of missed him. He kept me going today. Told me not to give up..I'm tired, its ok, do 5 more minutes, slowly it changed..I wanted 800 Calories, and when I got there I was at 53 minutes or so..then I decided I'm close to 5 miles, so we are going for that. Then It was your almost at 55 minutes..So in the end, I had to get to 55 Minutes, But had to do at least 5 miles and break 800 Burned Calories..So in the end I did 55 Minutes, Just over 5 miles and a burn of 826 Calories. And at that moment I was done for the day...just worn out, but felt victorious..I was very happy. I have not done push ups recently, Last week I cut up my knee pretty bad, and putting pressure on it, just isn't working right now. As soon as I can, I will be back at them.

I'm going good, and going strong. Spring is here (not really, but in my mind it is). There is no backing down, I will hit 299 before this year is over, I'd love to 280 before its over...But 299 is the goal for now. Has been since Jan 1, 2011...

Till Next time...Be Happy, Fight for what you want...Don't back down..

End of Cleanse and Pushing Forward

2011-03-06T12:06:00.000-08:00

With the end of my cleanse, I have decided it is time for that change. The change of my diet. Cutting out the unnecessary carbs, and picking up with what I started. I became very weak in the winter, my carb intake was intense, and the LBS started coming back. They are like a drug to me, I didn't want to let go. So I cleansed. And the light became true. Cut the carbs. I always new it, but I had given in.

There is so much good about life right now, that I'm not willing to throw it all away. I learned about 2 weeks ago that in September my sister and her husband will be having a baby. I can not be more excited. My sister said I may be more excited then her, obviously not possible, or is it lol. I can't wait, I've got gifts picked out already, if it is a boy or girl. I also found out that I can officially tell people that Mike and Alyssa are having a baby in August!! Mike is one of my best friends, so his kid will be my niece or nephew also, but they don't want to find out, so I have to wait till august to know for sure..Their kid will get loud annoying gifts, at least that's what I tell them. 2 kids to spoil..I can't wait!

Everything I've wanted, or thought about or talked about, It is all coming to me at once. A year ago I was still suffering from weekly depression, I was still on my own suicide watch...It was a month to month thing. I'm done counting months, This month it is 2 Years since I decided to change. 2 Years..That's a long time, But I may have added 20 years or more to my life...and I will only keep pushing for a longer life. Sometimes it is hard for me to look back...to see where I was, even when I decided to change...I was in a bad bad place. It was dark, and very ugly.

As I sit here and type this, I am wearing my Walter Payton Jersey. This jersey has survived a long long trip, and still has more to go. It has seen me at my worst, Where the sides ripped so it could fit over my stomach...where it just stretched out. Now it hangs down to my knees, Where 2 years ago, it barely covered my stomach. My head looked like a basketball, it was round..no definition..no sign of a bones, no nothing..nothing that meant anything..Just this "jolly" guy...that was so dark..

How things change...Enough with my negative past, I do have to relive it, and I must share it, for you all to understand. You have to know the pain I felt, just to understand how happy I truly am today...How much life and other peoples happiness actually means to me.

I'm pushing forward, I will not burn out in my workouts. I will continue to do cardio, and I will continue to push myself on it...I will be adding new things to my workout. I got bored of cardio the other day, and picked up the 5lb dumbbells and did about 5 minutes of boxing with them. It felt great, I used to do that long long ago, and always knew of it for a great workout, but its something I will definitely be bringing back into my workouts.

Thanks everyone, Stay Healthy and Happy!

Cleanse...good bye winter, hello Spring

2011-02-26T22:53:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of it, and I'm done. I'm getting rid of winter and bringing in Spring. I don't care when it officially starts..with me it is Sunday 2/27/11. Today it begins, I will wake up and flush out my liver and re-gain control off myself. Workouts Have been better, but not up to Par. Par is me, giving it my all and then feeling it, feeling the pain...Most will never get it, But it is that positive pain, I live off of it. It drives me to a higher level. There is nothing better then waking up in the morning after a great workout and feeling it. And it comes every once in a while when I truly push myself, but I want what I felt last summer, EVERY DAY, EVERY MINUTE..I want to feel success.

I still question myself, I talk a great game, I have done it for years...I used to lie to everyone, Till I couldn't lie no more.. But now, I want to rise up. I want to stand on top of it all...I want to be that guy that walks into a room and people look at and go..Who the F**K does he think he is...Knowing that I'm that guy..the one that above all odds came out on top...a little cocky....Probably...but F'It...That's who I am..I'm the best...It doesn't matter what you think...I know I am. I will put my body through hell and I will come out on top..A better Person..A Better Friend, and all in all..The Happiest "Dave" you know. I've said it from the time I knew this was real, There is one things...one Person that could hold me back and that is myself. No I Won't let that happen.

So to re-set my mind and do what I have to do, Tomorrow starts 7 days of my cleanse...I did it once for 12 days, 7 is nothing. That's my start, After 7, depending on how I'm feeling and where I am, maybe I go longer. The only thing I'm giving up that I actually care about is meat. Coffee, Gone, Alcohol gone. It doesn't matter to me. I set out with the goal to hit 299 this year. Its not even March and I've been doubting myself...

To be fully honest, I even thought about giving up today. Cause It is hard. I almost smacked myself. Its those demons...They Linger...Give up..you kidding me, I spent 23 Months, Busting my ass...and I actually considered giving up. It was brief, after that I walked into the gym..I'm not giving up...but it shows you, the thoughts will always be there.

I always say this is not easy and this is a long process..This all didn't happen overnight...But my ultimate goal, (besides getting down to 200) is to do this all by 32...I'd be the happiest 32 year old around. I barely know I'm 30 now, I haven't felt this good since I was 25. If anything, I feel better...My day will come, I will sit on top of that mountain..hell maybe I will actually climb one, for real...why not..I want to do a lot of things and experience life as it was meant to be.

For those of you out there that have that dream, think they can, but haven't tried...or maybe you don't think you can, but you want to...Just do it...as much of a cliché as that is...Step 1 is admitting you need to change..Step 2 is doing something about it...by the time you get to step 3, you won't want to stop.

If you have facebook, then stop by my fan page, if you have any questions, post them there, I promise to respond:
http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=10150194364074692&id=539584691&ref=notif&notif_t=feed_comment#!/pages/Road-to-Happiness/179243298773954

I Remember....PART II

2011-02-17T05:47:00.001-08:00

After that summer at the JCC and starting to meet people, it was time to start school...Johnson Elementary. When I was in Springfield, I finished through 2nd grade. When I started at Johnson I got held back. I don't know the exact reason, I've heard everything from the system was harder to instead of being one of the youngest kids, I'd be one of the oldest kids, either way I was repeating the 2nd grade. It was sad at the time, because you always heard if you are held back you are a failure, they explained this was not the case. So it began..2nd grade...again, but in a new school. I sat with 3 new people, I believe, it was Brett, Anthony and Evan G. 3 people I became very close with over the years. I was in the "Advanced" Math Class, that's really all I remember. We used to play suicide at recess. That's where you would throw a tennis ball against a wall, if it hit you and you didn't catch it off the wall you had to run to the wall and tag it, and say suicide, before someone picked up the ball and it the wall..if not then you got pegged. In later years we played kill the man with the ball. Which pretty much involved tackling the guy that had the football, then they would throw it up and that person would run around until they got tackled..and so on.

Lets go with my friends.

In elementary school, I guess my best friends where Brett, Evan G, Even Z, Aaron, Anthony & Matt. I had other friends also, but these would be my best friends.

The Berman family became our Cherry Hill Family, Holidays Birthdays, Brett and I even shared our Bar Mitzvah. We did the service together and then shared the party. Definitely the only one of those I've ever been to. To this day we still see them for many holidays. Mostly and slowly becoming the only one, Thanksgiving. We don't see each other as much as we used to. Mostly Holidays, but it is great when we do and through marriages and kids, the family keeps extending. And Laura, I didn't forget you, you're my other mom, I love you.

Evan G was one of my best friends from Johnson till some point in high school, then we lost touch. We owned horses with his family, they where show horses. I spent a lot of time at his house, as that's where the horse farm was. He was always a great friend, it has been at least 15 years though since we hung out.

Aaron When I wasn't hanging out with Evan, I was likely hanging out with Aaron. Up until high school, we hung out a lot. Then he went to Cherokee HS where his mom was a teacher. Always a solid friend, to this day we still talk on FB.

Anthony was one of my good elementary school friends. He lived on the west side of Cherry Hill. So when 6th grade ended he would go to Carusi (spelling?) and I would go to Beck. The one split school in cherry hill..

Matt lived on the West side of Cherry Hill and eventually moved to the East side with Adam and Zweeb. I knew him since 2nd grade as most of my elementary friends. As with some other friends after 9th or 10th grade we didn't hang out as much anymore. I still saw him at school we where still friends, but we didn't hang out as much. Through the powers of FB, we now talk again.

Evan Z. What can I say about him..Probably one of my longest and best friends. I always considered Evan the leader for our group in high school, Well organized, and always figured out stuff last minute cause we where just a lazy group. I'm pretty sure we butted heads a few times, but nothing that could kill our friendship, even though his first time over I sent him home crying, I didn't think I was that mean, but anything is possible. He has always been there for me, always in my corner. He is one of my best friends.

The rest of second is kind of a blur...3rd grade, it wasn't much better. Division was my enemy, I remember that. My desk was always a mess, It got dumped and I had to reorganize it. I was slow with doing my work, I guess this is when we found out I was easily distracted. The teacher would list our daily schedule on the chalk board and we (the students) would have to follow it and when we where done we could go play. I remember taking forever to get through one assignment.

4th Grade...This is when I moved from advanced math into the regular math class. I just couldn't keep up anymore. I remember that we had a Royal Rumble outside...every boy in the 4th grade (except for one class, cause they weren't outside for recess) got in trouble. We all ended up in the principals office, we all had our parents called and we all had to write 100 words on why what we did was wrong. I'm pretty sure they were never read, and 100 words at that time was like writing a novel. We saw it on TV..every week, why was this a problem.

5th grade...I remember 3 things this year...1 I got my First pimple (that sucked) 2. My grandmother died (that was awful) and 3. I had to do a book report that I did on the bus on the way to school. How I didn't Fail is well beyond me. I didn't even tell my parents about it. It was during Little League. I wanted to play baseball, not write a book report. I ended up getting a C or a B on this report, and honestly I think my teacher failed..not just me.

Summer from 5th to 6th grade...Its was JCC camp as usual, but things where changing..I always liked girls, but I noticed I was liking them more, There was one that I really liked. I won't say her name, she knows who she is..that summer she was my 1st girlfriend...I wouldn't have many more..so my next one might be my 3rd...I know depressing...ANYWAYS...moving on.6th grade game it was my final year at Johnson. It was a tough year..I was growing up, I hit puberty earlier then others..I think I hit it in 5th grade or 4th I don't really remember, But my "youth" was slowly coming to an end...and so was Johnson. My mind goes a little blank around this time.

Other Friends, from Little League or Camp..Ben was one of my great friends since we where little. We pretty much spent the entire summer between 6th and 7th grade hanging out. Usually at his house. He was on my LL baseball team. We are still friends to this day. From JCC one of my best friends. Jason. We hang out pretty much everyday now.

I met a lot of good friends in 7th grade, as always we most I drifted away from in high school...
Jamie was my best friend at the time. And we remained good friends until Senior year..after that I got sketchy..My life changed for the worse. I was mean, I wasn't the same person...and I lost my best friend for a while. Obviously things are never the same..

In other posts I pretty much covered my middle school experience..and I think I did High school, everything after that has been talked about also. There may be some thing, I'm still not ready to talk about, I'm not really sure if I forgot them or block them out. It became easy for me to hide things...Esp. the memories that hurt. Either way..this is my life..and now it gets better..Again..sorry if this one was kind of boring.

I'll be updating my workouts again soon.

Also I got "The Jersey" back...Walter Payton maybe making an appearance at the Bar this weekend. Its bigger then I remember it being..definitely a plus!

I Remember....Part I

2011-02-16T04:33:00.000-08:00

I was in the shower at home after the gym, and I was thinking about me, and my past. I went back to my childhood, and just kept thinking...until today.

My earliest memories are a mix. I don't know the years, or the locations..they could have been in 3 places. Summit, NJ; New Orleans or Troy Michigan. I remember Going to what I think was a Mardi Gras parade with my mom, and I wanted the rose that got thrown, some girl got there as I ran to get it and she kept it. I remember not being able to sleep until my stuffed dog charlie came out of the wash..I remember when my dad came home with a fire engine for me, I think after my sister was born, it was my favorite toy for years..I think its gone now. It was a Tonka, All metal (cause back then nothing was made from plastic) Fire Engine..It was a ladder truck, I loved it. I remember an apartment building we lived in, i think it was the 2nd or 4th floor. I remember the Laundry room in summit in the apartment we lived in there, I stubbed my toe..I remember hearing the Action News theme song for years. And at some point telling my father when he was watching 60 minutes that its not that long. I remember watching the trains go by at the train station with my father. And planes flying in and out at a small airport. And seeing the inside of a big rig...I don't know who it was or why we where there...As any little boy I loved vehicles.

I remember my first day of pre school at the synagogue, though I don't remember the name. That's where I met my cousin/brother/long time friend. Scott. Scott and his entire Family have been close to me since Springfield. Michael and Merle have been like second parents to me since then. We spent every weekend with them, maybe everyday. The lived around the corner, I remember waiting outside on the front lawn waiting for them to come down the street. I remember when Erica was born. I remember when Scott was bigger then me, and thought he could kick my ass.

I remember Kindergarden...Caldwell...It was so big, it was all day, and there where 2 classes. Mrs McGee & Mr. Burkhart (I believe where their names). Scott was in Mr. Burkharts class, But Lori was in mine..Lori was the oldest memory I have of a friend besides Scott, I remember when she moved away I was so upset. I remember the Block Room, that separated the two rooms, we always wanted to play in there..I don't remember how you got to play in there, but it didn't seem easy. We watched movies in there also. I remember not knowing my phone number and feeling embarrassed..it is the first time, I remember being shy and embarrassed. I remember getting my first listen to the Beatles, though I didn't know it at the time. Mr. Burkhart played the guitar, And we used to sing Yellow Submarine. I remember parts of 1st and 2nd grade..I remember one teacher and I won't even begin to try to spell her name..So Mrs. L. I believe that is the class where we made the race car that is under my pictures on FB. I remember being in some reading class..separated from everyone else, I don't know if that was good or bad..I think they told us it didn't matter, but I couldn't say my "R's" right and I think that's why I was there. But 2 of my friends where there with me....I remember some reading contest and when you read books you got prizes...sadly when I got older, I found out you had to read for grades, and there was no prize (per say).. I remember the playground..there was some fort, obviously every guys favorite playground equipment. I remember more friends..Chris, Frank, Joe, Bella (i think thats how its spelled), Jason, The twin girls (I don't remember their names). I remember my 2nd embarrassing moment. So supposedly I used to walk on my toes as a child, I remember my mom telling me to stop, I didn't know I was doing it, I remember trying to stop, but not being able to..I remember being called tippy toe man...I remember being upset. I remember the first bully I encountered, his name was Brian. I came home with a black eye..I don't remember why. I remember across the street lived the Hydocks, Kelly and Courtney, and their parents, Ed and Donna (I'm right on this, right?). Down the road lived Bobby, he was like an older brother. And the Murphys across they street, where like are grand parents. We where a small town, and everyone was close. It feels like the intro to the Wonder Years. Next door was Peter, they had a raspberry vines out back that we used to pick from. I remember one winter when it snowed Kelly, Courtney, Becky and I made a Turtle at night out of snow. Their dad worked for a beer company and had the coolest props including this Halloween cutout house. He also had a red convertible (mustang I think) I thought it was so cool. I remember the haunted house that we went to one year with them. Ed knew of it..I remember being terrified..Heads popping out of the ground. It was insane..but now looking back, it had to be AMAZING. I remember when Bobby's parents go a pool there was a mound of sand outside. We created a huge sand castle war zone with my military men and tanks. We used to walk down to the corner news stand to buy comic books. On the playground at Caldwell during lunch we used to throw a Frisbee around and we thought that it was awesome how the janitor could throw it so far..he was probably in his 20s..he was like a hero to us cause he could throw it so far. I remember Courtney or Kelly's birthday party, they had a carnival theme..with games and everything.

I remember when Lori moved and I was upset, I never thought I'd see my friend again. And then my world changed. My dad left Macy's and got a new job...we where moving. I didn't understand. My time in Springfield was over. And I was moving to South Jersey. I remember looking for houses, though it is all a big blur..we found our house in Cherry Hill, NJ. Where I have lived since 1987. I knew no one...until my parents informed me, that Lori lived in Voorhees..I was excited. I had a friend. It was the only reason I wanted to go to camp that summer, cause she went there. I was so shy, I sat with my sister on the bus to JCC Camp. I don't remember having friends. Though on that bus I didn't know it at the Time, was the Bermans, My new Cherry Hill Family. Though I don't remember seeing Lori much at camp, it was just good to know she was there. I remember going to her birthday that summer at some chocolate place. And then I remember my parents telling me, Lori is moving back to Springfield. That sucked..

My life started to change...Part II to come later...

I remember when Lori moved, and I was so upset, I though I'd never see her again

ADD ON:
I know that when I was young, I think around 2, my Grandfather passed away. I don't remember this at all, and sadly I don't remember him. He was my dads father, and lived in Syracuse. I remember going to visit my Grandmother when we where young. When we where real little we would fly, as we got older we drove (that sucked). I'm not sure if I was just to young or if I blocked it out. It upsets me, I heard he was awesome and loved us so much. I remember my Grandmothers house, It looked huge, it was white, and when I was little, I thought it was the white house. I remember the den, it was dark, I liked this big leather green chair, I think it was my Grandfathers chair. I remember the kitchen and the basement and that's about it. Me and my dad would go out, and go visit my grandpas grave, he always said don't tell grandma we came here, she gets upset. That's when I learned that you put a rock on the tombstone. After that we would go to Buffalo to visit my Grandma and Grandpa (moms parents), and my Uncle Aunt and Cousins Jorge and Julio. My Grandparent had a beagle names skeeter..I remember Easters there and my uncle giving me a haircut in the kitchen. It was an old school house with an old school look..total 50s, it was pretty cool. It was hard cause my family was so far away...I guess that's why I attached myself to my friends so much...why I become close to them and consider my good friends family.

Back to Springfield. Every New Years was spent with the Rosenbaums. With our family being so far away and them being our family, we went to lots of family events with them. I remember going to Scotts Grandparents..It was always fun, a big backyard (from what I remember), a basement full of toys and in the summer we would have sherbet. I believe his grandpa was a delivery man at some point. They had a 2 car garage, but one was higher then the other so the truck could fit. We used to watch the fire works for the 4th of July together...we would go down the road to a little hill next to a church or a temple..and watch there as our parents drank wine coolers. We played in the little league (t-ball) for Kess Driving School (our team sponsor). The mets where the team to like at the time, We all wanted to be Mookie Wilson.

I remember a birthday party at my house, We had a clown, it was in my back yard. I think I had a Bowling party one year..and some gymnastics party..i don't even know if they where mine..

Now its time for part 2...Cherry Hill..

Follow Up to yesterdays post

2011-02-12T11:42:00.000-08:00

First off I'd like to thank those who shared my page and posts with people they know. I like hearing what other people feel or what they went through, I think we can all learn and grow from that.

I just received a phone call, from a good friend and my former trainer Jared. He said to me that he was proud, and that with my success and through my passion and words, that I can inspire others. If they see what I set out to do and continue to follow through with it, others will know that they can do this also. We talked some more, and he pointed out my one flaw in my post, which after reading it 10 times, I noticed also, and I did everything that I say is wrong by writing it.

I said those people that have to lose 10 or 20 or 50 or even 100 pounds don't understand. And I'm sorry if offended anybody by the way I said it, or that I said it at all.. The truth is we all have our own demons...medical, mental, physical or that ultimate goal. Fat is the word I used, and it is a negative word to begin with..so when people say it, and I don't see it in the light they see it, it angers me...So on that, I'm done using that word. But here is what I thought about. There will be that point one day, where I have to lose that 15 pounds. and it may be the hardest 15 pounds I have to lose. I'll be at the gym and there will be someone I am talking to, in the same shoes I was..and they are trying to lose 200 pounds or 100 pounds, or whatever it may be, and they won't understand that that 15 pounds means the world to me, Cause I need that...

Its a goal that people set..its a mind set that we are sucked into. Its the stories in your head and the cruel things people say that mess with your mind so bad, that there are times, where you don't think...you just lash out.

A story was shared by Susan, she commented on my last post. I don't know her, or how she found me or my posts. But I'm glad she did. She talks about a night out with friends and they are hanging out and talking, not loud..just within themselves. And group of guys come up, one gives her a $1 and says go buy another donut. She said at least she got a $1 out of it. What goes through the mind of someone that does that. How messed up is your life, that someone you don't know, don't care to know and will never think of again...that for your 5 minutes of laughter, you mad them feel small...like they don't matter. Sadly its a story they will always remember.

I have those stories..I remember their faces. I have one that happened in May 2010..this past year..5 months into writing, that I never shared with anybody...It happened on my first date in years. It doesn't matter how it ended up not working, it was when we went out for dinner...we where leaving the restaurant and there where 3 people at the bar. We all know where I stood at this time, I was about 6 months into my intense workouts, but feeling good, she was a bigger girl..anyways we are leaving and as we walk by, in a "whisper" one guy says to his friend, that is a whole lot of people. My date didn't here them..I did...how badly I wanted to stop and say something...i turned red, my hands where in fists..I wanted to lash out..but I didn't, I walked away. It may have been the best choice I was on my first date with this girl, I didn't know how to react, so I acted like I didn't hear it. They laughed as we walked away. I was broken..

This is still a learning process for me. I know what I'm doing and how it affects me, but I don't know how other people feel, And by my statement yesterday, I never meant to offend anyone.. and if I did, I am sorry. The rage came out and took control. It was hard to write, and after thinking all that, at the end I took out my frustration.

Thank You again for reading my notes and sharing them with others. Lets all continue to be happy, and work on becoming better people..and just loving yourself.

Whats it really like

2011-02-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

No one really wonders what its like to be Fat, no reason to be PC and say heavy or whatnot, it is FAT. Cause no one really wants to ever experience it. They are easy to pick on, look at them they are right there.. People make the comment, go eat a salad, I'm sure they aren't hungry, look at them. That person couldn't walk one day in a fat persons shoes. The looks, the jokes, the pain, the aching, you couldn't even imagine..so let me share it with you.

Its bad enough that I know what I am, and how I did it to myself, but its the assholes (they are all ages 5-100) that have to remind me that I'm fat. You can see it in the look, here the joke they tell their Friend when you walk by (no i don't have ears, I can't hear), Or the just tell you, You know your overweight...Really, no I must have missed that this morning. I stand at the bar or and crowded space and am polite and say excuse me, multiple times, the person moves an inch, there is more space to move, they are lazy, so I have to push through and in doing so I move them, Then there is the joke, the snicker with their friends, maybe a point..and sometimes a comment. I just go on, it doesn't matter, if I say anything, it will only be worse...and of course no one else says anything why would they...they wouldn't be cool, or they are thinking the same thing...its ok, I'll get another drink, the pain isn't as bad then...maybe something to eat..definitely not a salad, just a slice of cheesecake.

There is that point where 6XL isn't big enough, 60 jeans are tight, a belt...Ha how many of those I've broken..oh it gets worse. Sweat Pants it is, But even these a 6XL to tight, the answer pull out the draw strings..there we go..its like an 8XL now..Tshirts are Undershirts only, Button downs..not with this body, polos work and the collar hides your neck..Jerseys, Hoodys, Whatever it takes, Darker colors are better, nothing light. Shoes don't even fit, have to buy bigger sizes, or wider sizes..ughh its not even half of it...

There is the bed, There goes the frame...Box Spring on the floor, with a mattress on top..I'll give it a month, now you have a mattress on the floor, Maybe this is a sign..Nope, I can just fall down now and I'm in bed..lazy as can be, and every day when I get up, I'll do at least one push up..exercise done.

How about the shower...well a bath is out of the question, I tried it once..I got stuck..go ahead and laugh, I expect it at this point. Taking a shower was almost not possible..I could barely turn..I broke Toilet seats...how embarrassing..It was never my fault though, I wasn't that big, I wouldn't have known anyways, I never looked in the mirror.

Time to leave the house, down the steps I go...My hats in my room, looking up the stairs, it looks like Everest, F'it, maybe I have one in the car. Its Cold Out, Shorts on, I'll deal, the car has heat or Its hot out, I have sweatpants on, I'll deal the car has AC. Getting into the car I felt like an old man, It wasn't the fastest process..my seat all the way back (it still is, but seriously I am tall and I can sit that far back) the incline/decline, put back to the point where I'm not laying down, but I can drive. Steering wheel, all the way up...its like driving a bus, try it, it sucks..seat belt, HAHAHAHA, it won't come close to getting on. And we drive.

Friends call, lets go to Philly...FUCK NO..you kidding, I don't want to walk, I don't want to go anyplace that might have people, it will be to crowded, I know it, 15 people is to much. Walk a mile, or 1/2 a mile, seriously, its to hot, its to cold....Good Bye Friends. Go to the movies, Go to a sporting event, go anyplace that has entertainment I might enjoy...where am I going to sit..My ass can't squeeze into a seat, And the walking and the climbing...No....not this guy....Fly where...I have to buy 2 seats..so whatever it costs, double it...NO, not this guy...Good Bye Friends...

Broken Chairs...I broke more chairs then I can even begin to describe..Solid Steal the best chair..the only chair, anything else was breakable...happens when your 500 pounds., a quarter of a ton...

The worst was someone going I'm fat also, I need to lose 20lbs...of 40lbs..really....try losing 300 pounds...yes you have some extra weight, but you don't know what it feels like...

Life isn't easy..there is so much more that was bad, its not perfect yet..its better, but not there...It takes time, but think about it before you look at that person the wrong way..you don't know how it feels, YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND...want to...take the test..one day in those shoes...I'll split the rent on that body costume...find you a makeup artist, make you look like I was, and then you can experience those shoes..tell me how it feels...Its not easy...

1 day at a time, towards my change..the goal is 200...So close, yet so far...1 day at a time...

Kicked My Ass

2011-02-11T04:46:00.000-08:00

This week I decided the Treadmill would be a great idea to try out. So Monday-Wednesday I made it part of my workout. On Monday I did 35 minutes on the elliptical and 10 on the treadmill. It was more of testing the waters. I was always scared of the treadmill, I'm afraid I'm going to fly off of it. Also my feet catch on the belt. When I walk there is a slight hesitation or something, I really can't put it into words. Anyways, I'm trying to set aside my fears and push forward. Tuesday I went in and "my elliptical" (yes it is mine, I use it all the time, my name should be on it, and when I come in the person on it, should get off it) was taken. So I decided to do the Treadmill. I did 50 minutes and though It said I burned less calories, I felt it more than I did on the elliptical, It was awesome. As always I ended with push ups. I still do those on my knees, but that's what I can do right now, so I'm sticking with it. I'd rather do them that way, then not do them at all. Wednesday was going to be an off day, I felt tired and almost broken, but after some encouragement from Paul and Alisha, I went to the gym. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, It was all I had in me, at 20 minutes I wanted to stop, but I had to do at least 30..It destroyed me. Thursday was an off day...I couldn't move..Pain where I never felt pain, but it felt so good.. Today is Friday and I will be back at the gym. Today I will be lifting. Its been a few weeks since I've weight trained, but I need a solid and quick workout. And then I'll do push ups. I'm expecting at most 25..after I lift, they seem impossible, I think last time I lifted and tried push ups I did 15..I felt broken, today I will get at least 25. I know this was kind of a boring blog post. Its more of just and update. I don't have much to report, It has been 23 months since I decided to change my life. 2 years is around the corner. I don't do the monthly updates and more, but almost 2 years of positive change in my life. It feels Great...I'm feeling great.

Like I've said before, I may not be friends on facebook with everyone that reads this, I may not know you at all, but if you are on facebook, please join my Fan Page:
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Trying out the treadmill

2011-02-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

It has been a few weeks since I wrote anything and figured it was time for an update. The winter keeps dragging on, but now I really have to get my mind set straight. I've gained a few pounds recently and its a little set back (we are talking under 10 pounds) and I'm not letting it get to me. I skided a little, I called it my Relapse. But Football is over, my Sundays are free again, and now its time to pick it up. Spring is coming and I know my workouts will be better.

I started to switch it up, ok so it was one day and one workout, but I like it and plan on picking it up today. I am getting bored of the elliptical, like REALLY BORED on it. But I still feel I have great workouts on it. What I'm looking to do is 30-45 minutes on there and then going to the treadmill (yes the 1 thing that I'm terrified of) and continuing on there for 10-whatever minutes. I did this one day last week and it was fun. Good chance this is what I will be doing today also. I also like to mix up the incline while walking, so sometimes it is flat and other times it is up hill, messing with the speed also and just giving myself a full workout with it.

Either way, It is time to get back on track. So today is Monday, I normally take off, but insted I will be at the gym, for at least 45 minutes. And as always, end the entire workout with push ups. They are killer, and I still have yet to break a total of 55, but some is better then non.

The Jersey

2011-01-25T06:34:00.000-08:00

Attached is a picture of this Jersey..

I know, 2 in one day, but it was sparked by a comment on a picture that I uploaded. While cleaning up I found my Walter Payton Jersey. Anyone that knows me, knows I've over worn this jersey to the full effect. It was my "safe" jersey. I wore it all the time, and I never felt "big" in it. Some background on this Jersey. When my dad was working with Mitchell & Ness, it was one of the the first jerseys he got me, Its Navy Blue and fat people always look better in darker colors, I still feel that about myself today. Anyways, I wore this jersey all the time, I loved it, it made me happy, and as the weight came on, the jersey got tighter. This jersey is a size 70...Just insanely large...its like a 8XL if not bigger, and this thing got tight on me, so tight that the seams on the side started to split. It got bad. The other day I threw the jersey on, Just to see how it fits, and I'm now swimming in this jersey..it hangs down to my knees, and is just unreal. I have to get new numbers put on the front, the old ones, where coming off so I removed them. I can't wait to get it back, and wear it once again, but hanging loose. I know I should move on from it, but I don't want to, I need it as a reminder, and it is still my favorite jersey.

If there was ever proof to me that this process is working, it was putting this jersey on. For those who saw me "grow into this jersey" know what it looked like on me, As it truly was the one thing I wore way to much. You won't believe how it looks on me now, You will see it again, as I will wear it again, I will NEVER "FIT" back into this as I once did. But I need the reminder, I need it there. It was literally a big part of my life.

If it was that easy, everyone would do it.

2011-01-21T22:15:00.000-08:00

I'm getting fed up, its my weakness..the fight within me. I'm trying to stay open minded, but I feel for all the work I've done, I should be farther then I am. I always say its a marathon, not a sprint, and at this point I ALMOST, the key word is ALMOST want to end it, this diet, this workout, This Lifestyle.. Its driving me insane. But I set out to change my life..And as the title says if it was easy everyone would do it. I'm on Mission...its not easy, in fact it is the hardest thing I've ever done. If I applied myself to school I would have done better. The excuse, I was lazy, I lived that lazy lifestyle. Its been my excuse for to long. See this is the hardest part, Harder then 4, 5 or 6 months, harder then that 1 year or 21 months...this is it, the hardest point. The first few months was easy. You hear about those drugs that its lose 30 pounds in 3 months...OH REALLY, you could do that at a gym also. So they get you hooked on these pills, that promise in 3 months you will lose 30 pounds..then what, its as they say "Water Weight". Then you bust your ass, and lose a pound a month. At times it can be 2 or 3 or 5...not more then 5..unless your not going for muscle, then maybe 10. I know what I did to myself, I FUCKED MYSELF OVER...for 12 years I 100% sat there and destroyed myself...and in reality it should take just as long to change. Which means I have at least 10 years left...so when I'm 40 I'll be where and what I want to be...no it will likely happen before. The problem is the mind starts thinking, and the Voices don't stop...Nothing is easy...the greatest things in life are rare. Its like Platinum, if everyone had it, it would be worth nothing.

I'm so happy, that somewhere, deep down, something clicked. I'm Still Big..I know what I am, and I don't deny it. But I don't deal with assholes, I hate negative people and things. I would change everyone if I could...but It is not that easy. People don't want change..it is a face paced world. and everyone wants something now. That was my problem with the biggest loser..it was to fast, it wasn't real life. People need to slow down for 5 minutes and look at the big picture. This is Life...YOU OWN YOUR DESTINY. It won't happen today, or tomorrow, but in a year...Where will I be then...That is what I can't wait for. I crave it, I need it, but I know I have to WAIT for it..

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if you know others that might be interested in what I say, send them the link...there are always people looking for something...Someone wants to talk, I had an email set up, but I rarely check it..if they want to email me: apesoffen@gmail.com. I've been through it all...I understand, and I don't judge....

A Black Swan in all of us

2011-01-19T11:07:00.000-08:00

If you have not seen the movie, and plan on seeing it you may not want to read it. I'm not sure what I'm giving away if anything. But that's my warning.

So after watching this movie, I'm convinced we all have a black swan in us. To me the movie was about the struggles one person puts themselves through. Trying to be PERFECT, THE BEST. The Sacrifices that you make, to get to perfection. The Emotions you put yourself through and how your mind will mess with you the entire time. I see it in me every day. Every time I look in the mirror, I see that old person still and I want to break the mirror, and rip that person out of me. I cause more stress for myself than anyone else or anything else can. Everyday is a battle, you can do 5 more minutes of cardio, if you can do 5, you can do 10, you did 10, do more...add 5 more pounds when lifting, do more reps, non stop thinking, of perfection. You crave it, you want it, and you don't want to wait.

I easily get addicted to things, It was food, it was alcohol, smoking, gambling...I used to open Boxes of cards not stop waiting for that big hit (sports cards). And now its working out. I'm obsessed with getting in shape. And though not everything I eat or do says yes, he is addicted to it, I have to step back, or the way my mind works I will spiral out of control. I learned from my past. There was a time, where I was like this, it only lasted 6 months, No excuses I screwed up. But I put myself on a beyond strict diet, It was coffee and protein shakes. NOTHING else (except water), I did it for about a month, then I began to fade. At the time I was working out twice a day. Cardio AMs and Lifting at night, 5 days a week. I gave up drinking and going out all together. I was thinking about this last night, I used to lay in bed after a workout on a Friday night and watch TV, till like 11, then my eyes would shut and the next day I would start again. I think Saturdays and Sundays where off days. But If I was putting 500 calories in my system, I likely thought it was to much...in the end I got frustrated, burned out, and then hit rock bottom, as far down as I could let myself go...

I don't know what it is, its the new year, My head is finally out of the holiday madness, and though there is about a solid month and a half of winter and possible snow left, but I'm Feeling better, my workouts are improving, my mind is clear again, and I enjoy going to the gym to workout, it doesn't feel like a chore. Its my addiction again. I still can't wait for the spring/summer. When its hot out I have better workouts, I don't know what it is, but its the truth.

I want to thank those, that help me keep my head on straight, and don't let me go over the top and lose my mind. Who keep me on track, and when those bad days are relevant, help to talk me of the ledge. It is hard when your biggest critic is yourself.

1 Year of blogging..New Workout Program

2011-01-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

1 year ago tomorrow, I started this blog. I'm kind of shocked that I kept it going this long. Though it started out as a journal for myself, something to keep me motivated, I hope it has helped some others also. It feels good to get stuff out of my system sometimes, its my own therapy. Anyways I started with a new work out plan, and I've only done it 3 days so far, but I seem to like it. Its pushing me, and my limits. Just a review, When I do cardio days it is no less then 45 minutes of cardio and on lift days I usually lift for 20-25 minutes, I follow that up with at least 20 minutes of cardio and then at the end of Cardio day or lift day I end with push ups, until I burn out. I've already noticed some improvements in my arms from this. They are starting to slim down more and my triceps and biceps are becoming relevant. With lifting I've been mixing in more lately some shoulders and back and even more chest. I enjoy Bicep curls and tricep press, so it has always been easy for me to do those. My mind has been clear lately I'm feeling good again. My mind is in the right place and the little guy in there is helping my push my limits. Today he kept me going, Made me Push to get the 800 Calories. But that's what I wanted. We will see whats in store for this weekend. At least one day will be a Lift Day.

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Have a great weekend!

Winter Depression

2011-01-11T06:21:00.000-08:00

I hate this time of the year. My workouts suck, and eating, I'm trying to eat healthy, but it just seems harder during this time of the year. I'm tired, and just worn out. I guess when I started this time last year, It was new, it was exciting and anything was an accomplishment. Now I'm fighting with myself. I barely sleep, my mind wonders, I'm tired, I'm worn out, and just annoyed. Although I'm about 10,000 times happier then I can remember, and obviously in better shape that I've been in 12 years, I'm so Strung out. I can't concentrate on anything. For whatever reason I just don't want to do anything. Trying to find energy is almost impossible. And right now I am listing every damn excuse I could find, and I hate it. I hate excuses, I lived 12 years with excuses for everything. They just hold me back, and keep me down. I want to live high and free like I felt in may-august, when my workouts where at their peak. When 70 minutes was cake, and now I struggle through 30. I want that High back. And now I have to figure it out.

I've been trying to get back to eating right. Not that I've been eating bad, but not great like I was. I've been loading up on way to much carbs. In the spring-summer, I just don't seem to enjoy them, they are to filling, but in the winter they are comfort. So I started this week (I know, its only day 2) eating more fruits (oranges and grapefruit) and sticking with the cottage cheese for breakfast. I have my Salad and Some chicken for later. Tonight is a must for the gym and I need a great workout today. Its going to be a matter of pushing myself, the last time I went I did 45 minutes, and it took a lot of effort to get there, I had to convince myself way to much. I want to get back to that point, where I don't need the convincing, I just do it. Its early in 2011, This is my year, I've said it and will keep saying it, but I'm having my doubts and I hate it. It is so typical of me. It is harder now then ever. I have to fight the doubts off instead of giving up. Before it was easy, there would be doubt and I'd quit. It was so easy, but now I can't give into myself, I have to find that voice, I need to stay strong.

I've made to many strides for myself in the past 21 months to give up now. Esp since I'm going onto my 2 Years, 2 years since I put down the tastycake and said never again. I think I started living to Big..not big as in being big, but as in my expectations. As much as I've accomplished, it went straight to my head. After a conversation with a friend the other day, I realized what was wrong with the gym this year. Why I can't work out with others, why I feel down when I'm there even though I know what I can do. Its how the new people there look at me, You never want to feel judged, but it happens. I'm still big, but they didn't know me when I was bigger. So they see this obviously overweight guy, and say in their minds, why bother, he wont be here in a month. Instead of saying back, I've been here longer then you, the coward in me comes out. Maybe they are right, maybe I will be gone, just another face. F'that, you just did a year here, without giving up. This is my gym, this is my future, this is my NOW.

Its time to pick it back up. I know I've been saying this for almost a month, but in the past few days, I've been kicking the depression and fighting back. I've been drinking more water again (which I enjoy so much more when its hot out), Eating better (minus my Sunday cheat day). I've had fast food once this year. I'm done with it, the craving didn't even come close to being satisfied, even though I craved it, I hate it.

Back to the gym, I have to do my 5 day minimum, I have to lift 2 of those days, if that means lifting and then doing cardio so be it. I'm setting my goals for this month, and I will have to follow them, Be strict like I am during the summer. 5 days at least, (it will help when football is no longer on, on Sundays), Cardio days are at least 45 minute workouts. NO Less, and then push ups till fail. When I lift, I will do whatever it is, usually 20-30 minutes..I will follow lifting with 20-30 minutes of cardio and push ups till fail. It is the only way to do this. There is no other way.

Lastly I will be setting up a Fan Page on Facebook..please "like" it, a link will be sent to you when I'm done with it. This way I don't have to clutter my wall as much with the posts. Though I will anyways.

PMA!!

New Year--New Goals--New Life

2011-01-05T06:07:00.001-08:00

So 2011 has begun and so far, I can't say much has happened. The gym is overly packed with people that have their "resolution" of getting in shape. It will die down, its a cold hard fact that most won't stick with it. Some are in shape, and want to lose those 10-30 pounds..others are like me, beyond overweight and think the miracle will happen. Its hard, I NEVER said it was easy, but I've been there and here is how it works. Your adrenaline is through the roof for that first month, you drop a quick 15 pounds, it stays steady for a few a month or so, and you get down 30 pounds. That 30 comes off easy, especially when you have over 200 to lose, and then it stops, its a pound-3 pounds a month, and it is absolutely frustrating. You bust your ass, and the change isn't as fast. And then the day comes, they stop. I've been there, I've done it, and IT SUCKS. Then it happens, its clockwork, they quit, they gain it back and all that energy and time and effort is a waste. Cause really in the end, giving up is just easier. It saddens me. Cause you really want to see everyone succeed. 1 or 2 of these people may make it. But for the 50 new people that joined to start this mission, the odds aren't good. I do have hope for 2 ladies I see there. I've seen them for about a month now. Both are older, I'd say 50s, but I see them there whenever I'm there and they do the bike, and walk on the treadmill and do the elliptical. They mix in lifting and work out about 45-60 minutes. I hope they make it, but who knows. I've talked to a few people there before, and some just disappear.

Anyways, this is about me...yea I'm being selfish, but it is my blog, and this is my year. 2011, I have goals, and lots of them. So lets get into them. I won't be posting them all, but as they come I will share. First off I will go below 300 pounds. It will be my first time since Summer 1998, when I weighed in for football i was 300 pounds, this was my senior year of high school. THIS YEAR I HIT 299...and hopefully lower. Talk about the tears that I will have, it will be a waterfall. This year is a lot about confidence. I'm slowly believing I can do anything. And this year I will push my limits. Maybe a 5k this year. I'm not saying I will or won't, But its time to finally get ready for one. Its time to kick it up. Esp if I expect to hit that 299. We will try new diets, new workouts, and whatever else will screw with my body's "mind". I always say I'm inspired by my friend Ryan, He has done so much already, and plans on doing more. He has gotten my mind back on track. www.freefromhell.com

I want to drop clothing sizes, I'm almost a 52 or 50 for pants, yes I understand its big, but not like the 62 or 64 that I used to wear, and when that didn't fit it was sweat pants only. And they don't make those that big. About 2 weeks ago I bought sweatpants, I needed a new pair. I should have tried them on first, but no I didn't and just grabbed a 6XL cause that's what I was used to doing. FAIL. they are huge, but I didn't feel like going back to return them. I just tied the drawstring tight, so they kind of work. They are huge and lose still and I can't put a lot in my pockets cause they will fall down..This is a good thing..But next time I go I will look into a smaller size. In the winter I just enjoy them more then jeans, and the pair I have are 58s and with a belt, are still huge. I know it sounds like I'm complaining, I'm really not, I know this is all good. I had a pair of Velour pants, that I used to wear all the time. As I put the weight on it made it difficult to wear them. they where an XL also, and as the weight came on, as things got worse a few years ago, the drawstring become pointless, I ended up pulling it out so I could get the pants on, it just puts it all in perspective, with the sweatpants I own now. I know it was random, but my mind wonders, we know this.

Anyways, there will be milestones this year. A lot of good things will happen for me this year. I just have to keep a clear mind and think positive. It will be a good year.

1000+ Calorie workouts are back

2010-12-27T08:44:00.000-08:00

The past few months I started messing with my workouts, doing things that the books tell me to do, and what works for others. And I came to one conclusion...That doesn't work for me. I never felt better, then when I busted out a 70 minute workout. I've been depressed and confused and feeling lost over the past few months. Not depressed, like old depressed, but with my workouts and then with my eating. It was time to change it back, back to where I was at my best. So today was the day I decided to go back and just push it. I felt good for 10 minutes, then it all started to happen all over again. The voices, they told me I couldn't do it. I'm not a failure anymore, failing is no longer an option, and I'm sick of making excuses. I had to push. I wanted the 70 minutes..at 25 I said 30 is fine, its cold you're tired, you haven't pushed it in a while, just stop. Little voice wouldn't let me stop. I had to push, this was for me. To prove to myself. I don't have to prove anything to anyone, but myself. I know what I can do, and I just have to get to that point again. I won't give up on lifting, looking to do that twice a week. I need to build some muscle. But I also need to do MY long cardio workouts. It is my way. I'm just happy that December is almost over, and despite the next 2 months of possible snow storms, It is a new year, and I have my goals. I actually made a list this year. I intend on meeting them also. I'm Ready for 2011.

12/22/2010...10:00 PM...

2010-12-21T19:04:00.000-08:00

Its been a few weeks, since that 50 minute cardio workout that I have actually done anything more then my 3.1 mile workouts. Today I finally broke out of that shell. I did 40 minutes, 696 Calorie Burn. Just short of 700 and if I didn't hit the cool down button I may have done more, that high was there. But it would not have been good, I didn't have many calories in my system again, so even the 696 was likely 196 Calories to much. As I type this I'm starting to get tired. I did a few sets of push ups during the day. I felt tired, and at least that got my heart rate up and kept me going, and obviously its good for me for a mid day and morning workout, quick and easy. I can't do all that many anyways, but 5 sets of 10, or 15, or whatever, usually so I do at least 50. Then after the cardio, I did them until I burned out. I like it, its different. Its something new.

My mind keeps running, I just want it to stop, I want think I just want this year to be over, just have to keep my mind on the right track. I'm starting to look to much into the future, and have to continue to work on the present. I just want Christmas to be over, and then everything will start to improve, I can get my workouts back in order, my eating will go back to normal and most of all, and so important, my sleeping, will get better. As long as my mind stops over thinking everything.

The Hustle, The Bustle and working out???

2010-12-21T04:45:00.000-08:00

Its the peak of the 2010 Christmas, and all I have to say is THANK GOD its almost over. Spending time with friends and family on Christmas Eve is awesome, even for a Jew, yes, I go to other peoples houses on Christmas Eve, always have. Anyways, I will never understand last minute shopping. For all you that don't know I sell Autographed Sports Memorabilia and this time of the year is insane. Yesterday we had 99 orders out the door, and let me tell you when something goes hot, its sold out in days. And you can't get the websites changed fast enough so when your sold out and the customer finds out, its like hell froze over. Seriously people, if you want something buy it before the last week of before Christmas. Anyways, I've been putting in 10-12 hour days...While being this busy, eating isn't always an option and workouts, LOL, I'm half asleep driving home. I really can not wait till next week when I can finally get back to my workouts. Right now I'm going when I can, and I'm eating when I can.

2 years ago, when I started here, I found the time to eat, but it definitely wasn't good. 2 years ago, I found the time to eat a large pizza, loaded fries, and at least a dozen wings...Ughhh, the though makes me sick. Grant it this holiday, I'm not eating extremely healthy, but I'm trying. Although wawa is not the best choice, I've been eating roast beef hoagies most days. Simply Roast Beef, Spicy ustard, Hot Peppers and Pickles. I'm still drinking a lot of water, and coffee in the morning. Its been a rough winter for workouts too. With the complete lack of calories being pumped into me and most being burned off during the day, It sucks. Anyways I get to the gym when I can, trying for 3-4 times a week. Meanwhile, I still look good and that new shirt that I got in November that I wasn't ready to wear, well it fits amazing now. Maybe its time for a few more button downs, do my hair a little more, if feels good, looking good..maybe its something I could get used to. But we all this I have my fat moments. A fat moment is best described, when I don't work out, It really feels like I can feel the fat piling up on my body. I'm guessing its all a mental war, but who knows.

In the end, I'm still thrilled right now. I have a lot I want to do this year. Come may I'm going to make a big step towards improvement, We will discuss that when the time comes. Also I said I was going to give up drinking for 2 months, after New Years, I guess I'm kind of backing out of that, I know I know, I'm backing out on my word, Its not that I don't think I can, but I want to make it an option if I want to. I don't plan on drinking every weekend, but there are weekends where I may go out with friends, or just hang out, and if I want a drink, I want a drink. I guess its more of I don't want to get wasted, and that's what I'm trying to stay away from. It happened last weekend and I think it was more of a shock then how did this happen. I didn't drink much, for what I know I can handle. I had 3 drinks (standard) and 2 shots...no surprise. For whatever reason, it killed me this time. But this is a typical Saturday night and that's why it shocked me, now maybe I drank to fast or didn't eat enough that day, I really don't know. Anyways, I will keep it updated as I move along through the New Year. It has potential to be a wonderful amazing year. And I can't wait for 2011 to start.

Weight Loss Shows

2010-12-19T07:59:00.000-08:00

Where it seems like most of these shows are a good thing, and great for heavy people, a motivation to lose weight, I don't. Must are cut throat competition..if you don't succeed, you go home. I've watched very few episodes of The Biggest Loser, but now there are new shows coming out, Heavy on A&E and MTV has a show, I used to be fat. I will have to watch them, before I can judge them. I think most of these shows go about it the wrong way. After reading several articles and questions and answer interviews, I've come to the conclusion, that Though these shows are great and they are "inspiring" for those that want to lose weight, they are just not possible unless you are on those shows. Honestly I could never stand the biggest loser. It seems like a show where non-heavy people want to watch and see people trying to improve their lives. The reality, these people in 17 weeks bust their asses all for the chance to win money. That is the motivation, and they expose to many people for it. The motivation is all money. After they are done, the camera are gone, the 15 mins of fame is over and now it is back to reality. Reality would be you have to go to work everyday and in some cases raise a family. And then have a workout schedule around that and eat properly. But you can't work out all day, like you had done, as you have other responsibility's. In one interview I read, one of the trainers said that he believes they are 50/50 on people that kept the weight off and have put it back on. Most books that are out there have an 80% fail rate. Cause the truth is, what works for one, will not always work for another, and the true desire to lose, won't always be there. I know how much this sucks. Balancing your life, trying to always eat right, and get to the gym. As bad as I want to go today, I won't cause I know there is no way I'm going to get anything productive done there. I'm dead tired, I might have 500 Calories in me, so no energy= terrible workout. There is a right way and a wrong way to do everything, Losing 100 or more pounds in 17 weeks is insane, and unheard of. It only happens if all you do in your free time is workout, its not possible otherwise. It took me 21 months to lose 138..roughly, that's about 6.5 pounds a month..on average. Where most months nothing happened. I know they are inspirational shows, and are considered Reality TV..but in my opinion, they are far from, its a life style change, its not something that happens overnight.

1 YEAR!!!

2010-12-17T04:16:00.000-08:00

So its 7:17 Am, and after a year, all the writing, the Randomness that I wrote out, I'd know what to say right now. And Right NOW, I have no idea what to say. So I'm going to do what I do best, just ramble. This is my First full 1 year of not giving up at the gym. Technically this entire process has been going on since March 2009. But I really picked it up 1 year ago...

So my trip to being free began in March 2009. I was at my peak in weight. I don't know what I exactly weighed but I had to be pushing 500 pounds. I was so beyond out of shape, it was disgusting. Walking from my car to the house was painful, but walking up the steps to my room, forget it. Out of breath and just wasted by that point. It is amazing for me to see where I am today. It was March 2009, I was sitting in my car and eating a tastycake. I happened to look up in the mirror and from that moment on, it was over. I tried to avoid mirrors as much as I could, my life was a lie, and a joke and most had read right through me. On the other hand i convinced myself everything was fine, so if I couldn't see myself, then it was ok. That day I looked into my eyes in the mirror...I had been caught, By Myself. I questioned myself, it was like an interrogation. I vowed never to be that person again. And that day in March everything changed. I called my old trainer, Jared. I told him I was ready again. I don't know if he believed me, or if I was just another pay day. Either way, Jared is like a big brother to me, so I always know that he will help me with whatever I need. We started workouts, and I used money from my 2nd job to pay him. Twice a week (i think) I was working out with him and going to workout myself. I started feeling better, and eating better. I had lost my 2nd job around June or July and Training with Jared was no longer possible. I had to do it alone, and I faded in and out. My October, I was barley going, the only thing i had going is that I was eating better. I still looked like hell.

December came, and my friend Jay had been going to the gym for awhile at this point, and told me to print out a free pass online, we where going to the gym. I said what. He pretty much told me to shut up and do it. Fine, why not, I'm not doing shit anyways. Well, I did 25 Minutes and It was high...I high I had not felt in years. It was just amazing. I felt like I did 20 miles...it was only 25 minutes. That was enough, I wanted more, I wanted that HIGH. It became my drug. And That day 1 Year ago, it all began. At this point I had spent 12 years getting to that UGLY point of my life. And in my mind at the time, in one year I was going look "perfect". Obviously I knew it wasn't true, but your mind does funny things sometimes. I had given myself 1 year.

I started doing 2 a days and burning 1000 calories a day. 500 each workout. It was between Christmas and New years, it was dead at work. So I'd workout. January came and this blog was born. I noticed the difference almost immediately. But there where still negative thoughts out there. Most people didn't think I'd stick with this, hell I didn't. I gave up so many times before, I couldn't blame anyone else for thinking I was not going to make it. I started to find myself and even realize what I had done to myself, and I absolutely hated the person I had become. I hated everything about me. And even at this point, had to be sometime in February, I still wanted to blast myself. Yea I said it, I still wanted to die..And everyday was a fight with myself. This went on for a few more months. My workouts started to pick up, cardio was intense, and slowly I started seeing the bigger picture. I was changing. I wanted to see my old friends..the ones I spent years pushing away..telling them they where wrong, I was Happy, you don't know me, F' Off....NO THEY WHERE RIGHT...I couldn't have been more wrong, And it all started to hit at once. I went through so many crazy emotions from Last December, up until April or May.

April came, and for months Tony, my bartender, also a great friend, told me to shave the shit off my face. For 2 years maybe more I had been growing that hair on my chin. It started cause I was lazy, it kept going Cause in my F'd up mind, it was hiding my double, triple quadruple (whatever) Chin. Yep that's what I believed. So finally one day, Paul goes, Just shave it off...It was not an easy process. I sat there in front of the mirror for about 20 minutes with shaving cream and a razor and scissors. I wanted to and didn't want to all at the same time. It was part of me, I had it for 2 years, I remember thinking can I really do this, it took so long to grow, if I don't like it, it will take so long to grow back. I closed my eyes, scissors to the hair, breath in and Cut. It was over...I put on some shaving cream and shaved the rest off. Instantly I hated it. But for 2 years I looked at that..it was different, it was a change..It eventually worked for me, Though now I though I looked like a child, but that's not a bad thing. It was strange, It felt so hard to do, really by this point you started to prove people wrong, It was 4 months in...It was getting exciting. Some where around this point, maybe maybe a little before, A great friend was relevant again in my life. Rachel...she is married to Chris, and after a blow up, which is a blurry memory, we pretty much stopped talking. But things where now going good. I couldn't tell you the last time I saw them, a year and a half, maybe..not really sure.

May came, I got invited to Memorial Day weekend at their house. It was shocking, and I wasn't saying no..I said yes..Though that meant nothing to them..The way I was, you would never know if I would show up or not. I didn't care, that morning I may have been to tired, so would have canceled, or just not shown up. This time I was going. And I couldn't be more excited to get there. I Think I was early. I was always early for Rachel's Parties. I didn't know how much this day was going to change my life, for the better, until it was over. I saw Chris and was just thrilled to see him and met Jess (Ryan's girlfriend) for the first time. At this point it had been a good 2 years if not more since I had saw Ryan, and I didn't know of his story. He came up the steps and it was just awesome..My Boy..Ryan was always a great friend. He was Rachel's baby brother, When we used to go to Party's at Rachel's house, he was always there. He had a rough few years, as had I..it was a different story, but the same truth, we each had to find ourselves. And we where doing it. Then I saw Rachel. I wanted to cry, I held back my tears. The hug last a few seconds, it felt like it was 10 years later, I had my friend back. Me and Ryan talked and I found out his story (to learn about it Ry ans story, check out his website http://www.freefromhell.com/). I was amazed, of what happened, and his struggles..And his powerful come back. It was inspiring. I was so happy to have these people back in my life. A late night talk came, alcohol induced and it was bound to come..the tears wouldn't hold back at this point. Rachel told me how she had to let me go, I was reminded of the night that our friendship came to an end, when I pretty much blew up at her and told her I'm fine, F'Off, leave me alone...and I told her I'm sorry, and I didn't blame her. She told me that she didn't want to go to my funeral. I told her I didn't blame her.

After that day, everything to better, I felt stronger, more aware, and just confident. I did a cleanse in July, that only proved to me that I could do anything. For 12 days, I cleansed. No meat, No alcohol, No coffee..Just water and my strict diet. How things change...from 20,000 calorie a day diets, down to this maybe 500-800 Calories and then a workout. It was amazing. I still suffered waves of depression and anger, but not like I had. I suffer for memory loss, I blame the beatings I used to instill (right word?) upon myself. I beat the hell out of myself, with my own fists. Till I'd almost black out..after a while, it stopped hurting. I don't do this anymore. I hated myself. I always said I'd be dead by 35..honestly, I didn't think I'd live to 30...and I did everything wrong to get to that point. I know I've rambled and just skipped a bunch of months, I have a lot on my mind, and I have to start work soon.

I have a new mind set at this point in my life. I'm Happy, I can honestly with out a doubt say for the first time that I can remember, I'm Happy. I love life, I love getting up in the morning with out the aching pain of being heavy and out of shape. I love where this is going. The future. The New Life, or for that the 2nd or 3rd or 4th chance at life. I have met some amazing people in the past year that have turned my world upside down, I've done a 180..maybe not a full one yet, but things are defiantly looking better. I'm totally blown away by what I am able to do.

The biggest realization, this isn't going to happen overnight...but I know what I want, I know my goals and I know where I am, and where I will be. I weighed in yesterday and 362, I know it sounds like a lot..but when you put in perspective that at one point I weighed about 500 pounds, if I looked this up right, its a quarter of a ton. I was on my way up, and now i'm going down. So figure in 21 months I lost 138 pounds. Most of those probably came off in the last year..I believe in the last year I lost at least 100 pounds. (I screwed the numbers up on FB last night so bear with me). My first goal is 63 pounds away (not 43, that i posted last night, my math sucks, lol). That will put me below 300 pounds for the first time since high school (my weigh ins for football my senior year, I was 300 lbs). My 2nd goal is 220, and I'm 142 pounds away from there. Then there is the ultimate goal of 200 pounds (i couldn't tell you the last time this happened) 162 to go..then I'm there..will I be 33, 35, 40, maybe 32...who knows. At this point, It doesn't matter, and honestly I could not be more proud of myself. I think that is the first time I ever said that. I'm Proud of myself, there is the 2nd time. I'm fighting back tears right now.

I'm going to end this post now with this. I just want to thank everyone that has followed my journey so far. Thank you for the support. I hope I've inspired others to go for it. It is not at all easy, but I promise its worth it. Thank you for those that inspire me. There are many of you, and your not all working out, You all found a way to better yourself, and it has inspired me to better me.

Wonderful Weekend..Almost There!!

2010-12-13T04:54:00.001-08:00

This is the week, my 1 Year week..Come Friday, it will be 1 year at the gym, no giving up, no excuses, just changing my life. This may be the last post until then. This past weekend was wonderful. Friday night I played poker with some friends and at the end though I was beat, I had to stop by the bar to see some friends I had not seen in MONTHS. All I had was water, but I didn't go to the bar to drink. I went to see Sarah and Amy, and Chris. I was so happy to see them all. I really think the last time I saw them, well Sarah and Amy where in August. It felt great and of course I was feeling great and though I wanted to stay and hang out, at that point I was running on fumes. I hung out for about a half hour, but I knew I had to go to bed, I was beat, and I had a busy Saturday coming up.

Saturday starts...I knew I had to go to the gym, but I kept putting it off. I decided to go get some new shirts and maybe jeans. I got 2 shirts and no jeans. 1 would be my new Superman shirt, cause as I said on FB the other day is that I am the True Superman, I don't care what others may think, I know what I am. lol...anyways. I went to the gym later that day, and did and intense 25 minute lift. I'm getting back into lifting, I finally enjoy it again, but I don't like to do it for to long, Long lifts usually mean a lot of rest, and I don't rest. So I did some Triceps, Biceps and Chest...2 days later, and my chest still hurts, but it feels so good to..That night I went to the Lella Family Christmas Party. I saw a lot of great friends there and received the best reaction ever to my weight loss so far from Stef. Stef saw me and started to cry..Wow, that was my reaction. But it was great, it was pure and moving, a little funny to, (love ya stef!). If anything, it purely provides more motivation, she said it is the first time she hugged me and could get her arms around me.. It means a lot when I hear positive reactions. Although you know it is working, there are times, when I'm alone and the mind wonders, where I really don't believe it is working. I think in the end I just need moments like this to remind me that things are working. I was so happy to see everyone, it was such a great time.

I'm really excited about this week. Chances are I may not get that 2000 calorie workout in, in fact I know I wont, I'm not even trying for it. I've started reading and realizing, that's not a goal right now. It will just burn me out. I've done that a few times already, and I can't burn out, I have to keep going. This isn't a one year plan, this is a lifetime plan, I don't ever plan on stopping, I will always continue to strive for greatness. I know I skip around in what I talk about, A Lot, and I'm going to do it again. I know I come off a lot that I'm bragging about what I'm doing and what I have done this year. I'm sorry, that's just how it is, I'm so proud of myself, I'm so Happy, I'm so High on Life right now, and feel I have to share it. I said it to someone this weekend, and said I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm bragging, and they told me it's ok..I'm glad, cause I can't stop talking about it, I'm to Happy. Anyways, I have an extremely busy day ahead of me and its almost 8:30, yea its not as early as it sounds. After work I will be heading to the gym, signing up for another 1 year membership, It expires in a few days, but I want to take care of it now. And come Friday, my big 1 year day, the post will be either in the morning, or later that night, I have yet to decide. The way I go, I may have 3 that day.

Thanks Everyone, You helped make this easier...

Battling Boredom

2010-12-10T12:58:00.000-08:00

There is nothing worse for me then being bored. Boredom is my enemy. A lot of the times when I got bored, I ate. Cause it got me through some time, and the greasier the better, cause then I'd get tired, I could go to sleep for a few hours until my next feeding. It was a killer for me, and obviously with the more I ate, the less I wanted to do anything else. I'm trapped at work right now, with the holiday approaching I can't leave. Its been down time for about an hour. And really all I want to do is eat. But I'm drinking some bottles of water, and typing here and listening to my calming music (eminem--recovery), it all keeps my mind concentrated on something else.

I realized the other day, that I don't drink as much water as I had over the summer.. It could be that when it was that hot out, I knew I had to stay hydrated so I kept drinking, but with the cold weather I backed away. I felt more tired and my workouts where lacking..sluggish. So no matter what I told myself I have to start drinking more water again. I've been working hard at it the past few days, trying to always have a bottle of water with me..and yes, I'm already feeling better, even though I have to go to the bathroom 10 times a day. But drinking water keeps me going. It does more for me then coffee or soda could ever do. and I don't feel Bubbly full like I do from the soda or over hyper that I get from the coffee.

Anyways, I really only started to write to pass some time. UPS should be here within the hour, and then I will be off to the Gym for a cardio workout. I'm looking forward to my weekend, although I don't see myself sleeping much, that's ok. I miss to much when I'm sleeping.

PMA

I'm Back

2010-12-09T06:05:00.001-08:00

I'm slowly getting back into my workouts. Its only been 2 days, but on Tuesday I did my first push for a great cardio workout since I fell back, into the easy way. I did 50 intense minutes, and wanted to do 70, but just had nothing left in me, I felt like I was about to climb Mt. Everest. I just couldn't move. So I accepted it, and moved on. Yesterday, I had no energy, so instead of making the mistake of an easy cardio workout, I lifted, and it was awesome, and I felt it when I woke up this morning and I feel Amazing. Its just about getting my mind in the right mode. This is the Holiday season, which means work is insane. I'm pulling 11-12 hour days getting up at 6-630 am, and when I finish I'm trying to hit the gym, then staying up to hang out for a while. All while trying to get enough sleep to function. I can't live me life as, work, work out go to bed, I always refused not to have fun. So with that being said...Its almost there, Under 10 days to my one year.

I'm Excited for this weekend..I get to see some of my friends, and just can't wait..I love this time of the year..Christmas..yes the "Jew" said its Christmas, lets be honest, it is. Hanukkah isn't even in the top 3 meaningful holidays. Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashanah, and Passover have 10 times more meaning; This is Christmas Season. And I love being with friends, and giving gifts and enjoying great meals and just the company of good people.

Needless to say, I'm on track, and I know what I want, I always tell myself, when I'm tried and run down and when I don't want to go to the gym, I know I have to...I know what I have to do. My Day will come and I will Shine. I know it, I'm a believer, I'm a survivor, and I'm so grateful for those who are standing by me and helping me stay on track. 2011 is less then a month away and I plan on making that the greatest year ever. I'm going to get some new shirts this weekend, and maybe some new jeans, cause mine are just way to big now..Nothing can hold me back but myself.

This will likely be my last post before next Friday, my 1 year post, expect it to be long, with a major recap of everything. There could be one more after this weekend, but that will be decided Monday..

Enjoy Life, And live happy...Live Free..PMA

This damn funk

2010-12-04T11:17:00.000-08:00

Its really the best way to describe it, its just that time of the year...its cold, its groggy and I'm sort of depressed. I've convinced myself over the past year, that if I want something bad enough, I can get it, Reality then steps in and says step back. I've had a lot on my mind recently and that's never a good thing. It eventually beats me up and wears me down. Lately my workouts have suffered from this. They have been meaningless to me, I do them, but its with out care, with out feeling. Just like everything else I do in my day. Get up, Go to work, work, Leave work, Go to Gym, Go home, Shower, Watch TV, and eating is involved in all this then I go to bed. It has become part of my norm, and that leaves my mind open to think.

I've been thinking a lot, about this past year, the future, and just right now. And since I've always been honest on here, I have to say, I'm really scared. I'm afraid of my old ways, and they are relevant everyday. Like I said, I've been lost lately, upset and depressed, for whatever reasons. And I just want to eat. I had McDonald's 2 times this week, for reasons I can't even begin to explain, I had not had McDonald's in 3 weeks, and twice this week...and I got this little Euphoric emotion from it, trying to call me back, A craving, that I like and hate all at the same time. Its just to easy, and so hard to stay away from. I know how god awful it is for me, I don't need to be told, Trust me I know....but its a high I can not explain, there is something there that makes me feel so great when I eat it, but like hell later...after I'm done and not even close to satisfied, the depression comes from it, and I can really almost feel my face getting fatter. Its gross, absolutely disgusting. Its these little things that are trying to hold me back, and messing with my mind, but they are reminders, of where I was....how I thought, and I don't want that sadness back inside me.

Thinking about my future, by no means is any better. I have no college education, I have no money, and my future like my pay check is a day to day situation. This Totally F's with my head any chance it can. I want to go back to school, but I'm 30, and I have no clue what I want to be. I guess that's not totally true, There are 3 things I want to be, I want to play in the NFL, I want to be a High School History Teacher, and I want to be a personal trainer. At least 2 of those requires the weight loss, and one is obviously easier then the other. The other one is different. I've always loved history, And would love to be able to teach it. But is it to late? I mean, There is so much involved with getting to that point, and finding a job, and I think should I bother trying, I have no money and my credit sucks...is going back even an option....I don't know...maybe, this is my mind and it only scares me.

There is so much more on my mind, and some I wont discuss here. I choose not to. Maybe I should have taken someones advice when they told me to run, and I didn't....I'm leaving that there. There has been anger in my system, people pissing me off, ones I know, ones I don't, Just everything, and I want to eat, it was my comfort zone. It made me happy...kind of. I know I can't do that, so there was the gym, which is now so normal to me, that I have to find something else, and its driving me insane. And drinking is obviously not the answer (I'm not talking about the drinking I do with my friends...I'm talking about the lonely drinking I used to endure). I need to get back to my straight long cardio workouts, lifting can come later, or just once or twice a week, and not for long, just to keep my muscles in check..Its the 70+ minute workouts that I need back. They truly made me happy. I can't explain it..but what it did for my mind, and how it made me feel...like nothing else matters...just me and the elliptical. Everything around me zoned out, my heart rate up, I could feel the pounds coming off...I felt High, I felt great, and I had to change it, everyone said, switch it up..I had to listen...and then the funk came.

It has to be at least a month, if not more, since I had a 1000 calorie workout. I need it back..They did make me extremely tired, but they also made me so much happier. Including today I'm 14 days from when I decided to actually go to the gym and workout...December 15th last year I joined. It was 2 days later that I walked in and had my first workout high in years..I don't want my last few days leading up to be a epic disappointment. I really need to fight the pain, and clear my mind, and just go for the 1000 calorie workouts again.

Sorry for those who read my blog if this was a little depressing. Its just how I've been lately. Hopefully I'll have more to share with you in a few days, less depressing and more positive before my 1 Year workout....

Just a quick add on, A lot of people told me, maybe it was time for some new shirts, and I kept saying I wasn't ready..I think I'm at that point where it is Time, Old shirts are just old reminders..

Post Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T11:01:00.000-08:00

Last night may have been one of the best Thanksgivings I could remember. Living with a positive attitude on life, makes the simple things easy. As always we had over Laura, Brett and Jessica, The Rubin Clan and this year the Menta Family. All are Family. We did miss a few people this year, but they will be back for some holiday I'm sure. Anyways, This year I couldn't wait, I wanted to see everyone and enjoy the experience. I was up ready at 3, this year I wore jeans, kind of nice sneakers and a button down shirt...in the past I would have looked like a bum of the streets, but like I said this year was different. 3 Pm, people are coming...no..turns out 3:30..great I have to wait to eat, figures. lol. So 3:30, people begin to arrive, we start with apps. Donna brings the Taco Dip, Its awesome, If dinner wasn't around the corner I may have finished it. Laura Brought and assortment of cheeses and crackers, Laura doesn't cook..much, but we still love her. And of course 10 different kinds of wine, I have no idea why, but it is always that way. This year I had wine, Red Wine, its my new thing. We enjoyed small talk, as we do and finally dinner came. Turkey, Pot Roast, Mashed Potato's, Sweet Potato's with marshmallows, the green bean thing that everyone has, Stuffing (almost forgot this, not sure how, I had a ton of it), and who knows what else. There are 2 tables, the main table and the what used to be known as the kids table. Somehow I end up at that table every year, since second grade. Some things don't change. Thankfully Brett ended up there also, he is older, by 2 months..I'm sure everyone remembers last year when I complained how Thanksgiving was ruined by no Pumpkin Pie, thanks to Donna, we had it this year, and Thanksgiving was saved. But we had no rolls..go figure.

Anyway, I was thrilled, and had a great time with my family this year. I loved seeing everyone and though we missed have Jared, Amy, Ben (and the new baby, I'm sorry i forgot her name, I'll get in trouble for this), Scott and Lynn, we all still had a great time.

And today I did what I had to do, after eating a breakfast, that consisted of last nights dessert, Went to the Gym to do what I had to do. 40 Minutes of Cardio (burn of 611) and then Push-ups.
I hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving also. Talk to you later this week.

Who Am I?

2010-11-24T06:30:00.000-08:00

Since this all started, I've started thinking..yea I know, I say that A LOT. But it got me thinking, Have I ever actually been myself, or was I whats popular, or was I trying to be someone else... So I decided to type up who I am...

I'm David Soffen, I'm 30 years old. And after years of being "someone" I'm finally finding myself.

I love sports. I always have and I always will. All though my favorite teams are the Philly Sports teams, I do have players I like on almost every team out there (including my hated NY teams and the cowboys). I respect players for the skills they have and what I wish I was able to do. I heard the Eagles or for that matter any team will let people try out..I don't care if I'm 40 when I get to where I want to be, I will try out for a team someday, I could only hope its the Eagles, but it doesn't matter. For the opportunity to spend 30 seconds on the field in my uniform around screaming fans and the possible chance to make one play, could be the greatest thrill ever. It doesn't matter what you say..or if you don't think it could happen or will happen, this is one of my goals, and I will try to be there someday.

I love music. I love all types..no lie, From Rap to Church Choirs. Especially songs with meaning. Over the past few years I've become a fan of I guess soft rock music, I don't know its a little weird. My Top 6 Songs of all time (kind of 8, but I couldn't pick for the #4 spot and 6 is the same song, just one is a cover) are:

1. Time After Time--Cyndi Lauper I love this song, I don't really know why, I think it reminds my of my childhood. I think of Springfield..my home, and though I've lived in Cherry Hill for most of my life, Springfield will always be my home. Even though the song has nothing to do with that, I think I heard it there for the first time and I can remember liking that song when I was 4 or 5 years old.

2. Numb--Linkin Park Its strange, this song was my favorite when I was at my bottom, but it also was the song I sat there listening to when I decided to change. Really, its like a argument with myself in my own head.

3. Alone--Heart Like Time After Time, I'm not really sure, I was 6 when this song came out in 87. I've always liked it. I had forgotten about this song for sometime and I was watching an episode of Cold Case, and it was the song at the end, I found myself full of emotion. I just love this song

4. Not Afraid and Talkin 2 Myself--Eminem Both are off his new CD and though I'd say the entire CD cause there are many more songs on there that I love and have inspired me this year, those 2 describe a lot that I've been thinking. Minus the rap career, having kids and being rich. But if you put the words into your situation, it just seems to make more sense.

5. Lady--Kenny Rogers I have nothing to say, I just love this song.

6. Love Song--The Cure or the 311 version. I love both, I think it is just a great song. Its beautiful.

The list goes on, I can sit here all day and do it.

There is also a group of songs I try to stay away from, not that you can ever not listen if they are on someplace, but they are my sad songs...and I don't mean bad day, I mean These are the songs I listened to when I wanted to not wake up the next day. But I'm not going to get into those now.

I dress comfortable, for me. I used to be a billboard for Clothing Company's. Tommy Hilfiger, Sean John and Roca Wear. Tommy Was my high school thing. Head to toe..including the fake watch, cause they had not made watches at that point. And I mean full Head to toe, Hat, shirt, undershirt, jeans/shorts, underwear, socks, shoes, fake watch and cologne. And it wasn't just one day, I believe I had 7 days worth of Tommy if not more. Same with Polo/Ralph Lauren. It progressed in high school, based of company's my father may have worked for, pretty much I dressed Urban Style. Later it was Fubu and Mecca USA. It was my style, I like baggy clothing, I was comfortable in that. As I got older and BIGGER...Sean John and Roca Wear where the popular company's and the made stuff that would fit the "BIG" guy...so I went with it. I'm not denying at this point that I wish I could still afford clothing like that, I'd likely still wear most of it, maybe not as loud as the stuff I used to wear.

Being Big, I never liked to dress up, in fact I down right hated it. Grant it, I have a ways to go, but I'm starting to enjoy it a little more. Not really for the Tux or suit and pants, but a nice button down, nice shoes and even doing my hair..yea it felt good the other night when I went out. I don't know if I was fully comfortable in what I was wearing, but I did like it.

I cry sometimes, I have lots of emotions. I don't know why, but sometimes I'll be sitting around and just break out. It used to happen more, but I was in a bad place at the time. Now it just happens, Every emotion I have for months at a time build up in me and just come out. It could be 2 minutes it could be 30, it matters whats going through at the time. If a dumb joke enters your head to post, don't do it, it will be deleted, and if you write it on facebook, I may delete you also. Some may understand what I'm saying, and yes I'm talking to the guys also, not just the girls.

I care about my friends. I will defend them not matter what. They mean the world to me, and I consider most of them Family. I don't have a large family, so I confide a lot in my friends. As with family there are fights and disagreements, but in the end you always make up, life is to short to let something stupid hang around forever.

I will end up with the girl of my dreams. I will make her feel like a princess everyday. I know people say this and some don't believe it and trust is always an issue. I'm a one girl guy, I always figured I would just want to dedicate everything to her. If I could I'd give her the world, and I don't know who she is. Have I met her or not? Only time can tell...

I love my family. Over the years I've distended myself from them, from my negative way of life. I lived in the dark and refused to let them in, I don't know if I was protecting myself or them from the truth. I never wanted to hurt them...But I always cared about them. I made a promise to my mom, someday, nothing will matter, the struggles will be over. I intend on making living for all of us easier, and I won't back down till that happens.

I'm not a religious follower, but I don't discriminate against people who are. I find there are to many wars within religions. I'm more of a science person, but even with that, I believe in a higher power. Maybe its a god, maybe it is the souls and spirits from our past..I don't know, and I believe that no one knows. Maybe god works for those people..Who really knows. I just know that I have someone watching out for me. They are that voice, they could be one person or 20, I don't know, but they are helping me find who I am.

I'm a hard worker. When I dedicate myself I can do anything and sometimes even surprise myself. This past year I've done things I could never have imagined. I will got back to school, I will graduate college, it will happen, I just have to do what I want, and dedicate myself.

I have a lot of goals, aspirations...Dreams..I want to sit on top of the world, I want to help others, I want to be happy. I love my life, I love waking up, I love living. I will be ultimately happy someday, and I won't let anything stand in my way. I believe in miracles...Life is a miracle.

This is who I am. This is me, the single soul in this world...I'm sure there is plenty that I left out, but This is what came to me today. Who are you...Did you ever really ask yourself..I did, this morning..

Starting to Push Harder

2010-11-23T07:06:00.000-08:00

So yesterday after a few days off from the gym, I knew I had to go. It was not easy by any means from the minute I got there I wanted to go home. But I had to go inside. I didn't do a long work out, I've been fighting allergies which caused my throat to hurt and clog me up, but I was determined to do something, anything. So I picked Cardio. If I know I'm not going to be able to go the distance (70 Minutes minimum) then I just push myself as hard as I can...So I set out to do that. The workout was a half hour long, and I did 464 Calories and 3.23 Miles. It was most likely my best 30 minute workout ever. I averaged 7.0 RPMs and my heart rate was pushing on 160. It woke me right up. I bounced the Levels around a bit between 2 on 9. I get easily distracted and bored while doing cardio even while watching TV. So I started watching the mile counter..and ever 2 tenths of a mile I switch the level..I don't know why it works for me, right now it just does. It was a great workout and just destroyed me. I want to keep it up..today I wont have time to go, but tomorrow I'll be back at it. Hopefully some lifting and then some cardio. I have gotten some advice on a few new books I may venture into. Trying to clean out the mind and make it "smarter".

I can't wait to read about other people who have struggled and pulled their way back to the top.

Not much else to write about today. Have a Great Day!!

I'm Thankful for......

2010-11-22T05:19:00.000-08:00

This is a few days early, but I'd like to share now as I may be to busy by Thursday.

This year I have so much to be Thankful for. In the Past this meant a day to gorge...which I will still do this year, but not without a workout in the morning and a workout the next day. This was my favorite holiday, but for all the wrong reasons. This year its different, This year I will see my family and I'm overly excited for that. I can't wait to see how everyone is. Its been 3 months since I've seen some of them, and though I'd like to see them more, sometimes that's just not possible.

I'm Thankful for where I am in my life, its not what I imagined at 15, but life doesn't always take the course that you had planned. I swerved hit a tree, fell off a mountain, but now I'm back on track. I'm Thankful for the relationships I have with new and old friends. I'm easier to get a long with now, I know this. How anyone tolerated me before, I don't know..it amazes me. I've slowly reunited with old friends, and this couldn't make me happier. I missed having a lot of these people in my life. They all have a special place in my heart. I'm Thankful for the new friends I made, I guess we are both lucky that you met me a positive time in my life. Otherwise the friendship would not exist. I'm Thankful for my family..who stood there next to me as I dipped deep into hell..even a few of you slipped away in that time, I know, its ok to admit, I sucked. I'm Thankful that I'm Alive..More Alive then I've ever been...That I've seen this light, this euphoria..that something made me wake up and realize that I was going down the wrong path. I'm SO Thankful for everything that I have this year.

I'm Thankful I got to celebrate one of my best friends wedding, I'm Thankful I got to celebrate my friend being sober, and happy. I'm Thankful I got to see countless friends have kids and get married and buy houses, and celebrate 1 year more old wiser and being Alive. I'm Thankful that I had a great 30th birthday with my friends, and was happy at my birthday this year. The first year in many, that I wasn't depressed for being one year older.

I'm Thankful for you all that are now a part of my life, and I can't wait to see what the future brings.

Josh Hamilton Beyond Belief: Finding the Strength to Come Back

2010-11-21T15:56:00.000-08:00

I bought this book last week...and it arrived at my house on Friday. I was so excited to read it. I told you a little about Josh Hamilton in my last post. But after reading this book and seeing how low he went, to the depths of hell...and how he made his bounce back to reality, and to Major League Baseball, the story is truly amazing. I didn't put it down all weekend, except to sleep or when I went out. I started reading it when I got home from work on Friday and finished the first to chapters. They pretty much described his life before being drafted. And then how being plagued by injuries and just finding excuses lead him down a path of hell. Pure Drug Addiction Hell. What started with alcohol and cocaine, and slowly turned into crack. He went from being the #1 overall draft pick, and top rated prospect out of high school to being a crack addict. And with the help of friend, family and god he found his way back to reality, and back to baseball.

His story is amazing, but it happens to people around us all the time. Like Ryan...He was addicted to Oxy...and now he Runs Marathons...I was addicted to Binge Eating, Binge drinking and overeating. We all have our demons, and our addictions, and are strengths to fight back.

The book was inspiring, I had moments where I found tears coming down my face. How could someone with so much talent throw it all away...its cause deep down we have our demons.

I don't know if I believe in god..I believe there is a higher power out there, I don't think it is one "god" per say. I just believe in the spirit life I guess. I believe that we have people from our past watching out for us. Its like this summer, when I noticed the Dragonfly following me around. I took a look online and it said that it may be a person from your past trying to send you a message. The Dragonfly started following me in May, and didn't leave till September. He showed up during a big time in my life. I was slowly working toward my 6 month mark, to the point where I had quit so many times before. That one symbol meant something to me...it could have been one of my grandparents, my cousin Julio or my friend Craig. I don't know who it was, but when the dragonfly was around I knew it would be a good day. I don't believe I have to pray, and find the faith from God, but I do find some sort of spiritual relationship, with something out there. I can't deny that something may be out there, the universe is to big for nothing to exist. That something may be that Voice...the something that keeps me going...That lifts me when I'm down, and reminds me of my goals. Of where I've been, and how I've gotten to this point, and even more, how I will succeed in the Future. I wont stop now. I will never stop striving for the top. With out a doubt in my mind I will get there.

I can't believe 1 year is around the corner...I know I ramble in my posts, I can never keep my mind on one thing. This started with being about Josh Hamilton and I'm already on another topic.

I'm going to end this now....with this:

I've never been so happy in my life. I still have a long walk down this road, but every day it gets better...even with my downfalls, and with some of the negative that I bring upon myself. I try to stay as positive as I can, and I just hope to rise above the lows, and push towards that finish line. I can't wait to get there..I wish it was tomorrow, but I know that it won't be that fast, I know it will take time, everyday I remind myself of my goals, and where I was, and where I could be, I could be 6 feet under right now...I lived my hell and now I'm dedicated to a positive future, I know I repeat myself a lot, but Its my way of reminding myself.

Thanks Again to those that read this, and encourage me and help me through my good and bad times. I love you all.

Call it a Relapse

2010-11-20T22:36:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to call it, its the only thing I could describe it as. Today sucked.

Last night I went to Philly, it was a great time with some really good friends. It was definitely different...even from all the times I'd been there before, as I was a different person. On Friday my book came. I don't read much, its just not my thing..well at least for fiction...I'd rather watch a movie. But this is a true story, written from the heart, from the mind of a fucked up individual, from someone that got a second chance. It is a book by Josh Hamilton. Most know him from the past 2 years, as a dominant baseball player, who when his team this year won, poured ginger ale on him instead of beer and champagne, because of his troubled past. In his book he wrote about the people that called him the one-one (#1 overall pick in the first round) a bust...cause he was, not cause of skill, cause of the demons. In 1999 I flipped his rookie cards like it was no ones business..this guy was the top prospect with crazy skills, he was the next all-time great. And then the injuries came, followed by drugs and his once $20 rookie card was sitting in my common box.. Back to the book...I don't read much like I said, but when I get one that I want to read, I can't put it down. Its 274 pages long and as of now I'm on page 174. Like I said I went out last night, so I used today as a lay back day...I wanted to go to the gym, get an easy lift in to keep the body in check, and then just read. It didn't happen that way. Nothing went as planed, except maybe the reading.

I woke up..tired, I had to go to the bathroom..did my business, and grabbed something to eat, and drink..Then went back to bed. After I woke up again around 10..I repeated what I did earlier..including going back to bed. 1 Pm came, this time I was just up. I started reading and that kept be occupied. Since I started back in December, I haven't been able to sleep past 10am..I doesn't matter when I went to bed or how much I drank, I can't make it past 10am on the weekend. Today was a flashback..to me, to the old me, and so much bad could have came out of today...if I had just let it happen. I didn't eat, I ate those 2 times in the morning, I drank water most of the day and I slept at least 3 more times. It felt like a Saturday from a year ago...maybe 2 years ago...it was ugly. Though back than I didn't read, it would have been me, the TV and my bed. So I continued reading, slowly remembering myself, although not the same, I still remember my conversation with Ryan...We are all addicts, it doesn't matter what our drug of choice was, It was how it controlled us. It just made me depressed, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to work out...I just wanted to sleep. So when I wasn't reading, I was sleeping. It was awful.

I had to go out tonight. It was my friend Jay's 30th birthday, The person who has stuck by me through everything and has always been there for me, no matter what. And tonight I feel like I let him down, I was there, but I wasn't me. Friends bought rounds of shots, I didn't buy shit. I told him I'd take it out next month when I get paid. I will, but its not the same, I should have been more prepared for tonight. None the less I was there. So after a few rounds of shots, i think it was 3 or 4, and 2 drinks my empty stomach was not happy. I wanted to Binge. I got nachos and shared them, but I wanted more, I wanted wings and whatever else I could stuff down my throat, but I couldn't I couldn't do it. I want to puke, It was easy, I've done it so many times before. I wanted more to drink..if I had 3 more, even 2 at this point I'd be there..in my own hell..I'd drive home, well start to, pull into a neighborhood, stick my finger down my throat, and vomit, till it was all out, the night would have been wasted money, but I would have been fine....NO I couldn't do it, that voice..it just wouldn't let me. I paid my tab said my goodbyes and left. Here I sit, I'm talking to you. I'm talking to myself.

Maybe today wasn't and exact Relapse of what I was, but I wasted my day..despite reading, I did nothing. There is stuff I should have done. I should have ate more, I should have gone to the gym...I just was lazy...and didn't give a shit. And it sucks. Its 2 am, I'm starving. But if I eat, I will binge....there is no other way to fill this void...except with water. I may wake up 20 times to go to the bathroom, but its water, it won't hurt. It won't hurt what I've done, most of all it won't hurt my Ego. Yea that's right, my Ego...I'm afraid to binge...I can't do it, especially after a few drinks. The control isn't there. I'm afraid of the monster I will become, where I gorge. I've left the house in the middle of the night before to get food, I could do it now..there is a WAWA down the road, a few bags of chips, a box of donuts, maybe some cookies and a hoagie, fuck it why not...drink it down with some vodka, around 3 when I'm done, I'd just puke it up anyways. Then I'd pass out. But I can't, I can't hurt myself like that..and oh how I want to, right now as I type this I want to go to wawa and blow $40 on food, that won't even digest...this is my disease.

Today wasn't a complete relapse, it was more of a lazy day, or and extremely lazy day. It just made me think, think to much about where I could be, or what I would be if I didn't change. Its never really gone, those feelings, of being alone, and tired...and lost...living in my fantasy world.. Its not a happy place, the demons aren't gone, they are just controlled, by that voice. The one that keeps me sane. I'm going to go read some more, maybe a few more chapters, right now I'm stuck in a dark place in Josh Hamilton's life. I think its to real, even though its a different addiction. I have to see the light, I may finish this tonight. Anyways, I'm still sane..I'm on the right patch...I know I am, its little speed bumps, they hurt, but the bring me back to reality, they keep the road lit, my path...its not set in stone, it is what I create it to be...Goodnight World..see you in a few days.

11 Months and sharing parts of "The Note"

2010-11-17T05:57:00.000-08:00

Wow, I made it...I'm 1 month away from my 1 year point. I have been tired and crashing a lot lately. I did just get over being sick and now I'm battling that "winter cold", you know the one that never really goes away. This weather change is killing me also. But enough of that. I promised a post a while ago about a note I wrote years ago. And though I don't have it back in hand yet, I remember parts of it. It was Ugly...really ugly.

It was right after a Thanksgiving...every year we have the same people over, sometimes there are others, and new have been added, and some old have gone away. But this one year...I was at the peak of being miserable, and had not realized it, until recently. I sat there, I ate, I for the most part kept my mouth shut, except when I had to complain about something. Things where going good for all the "kids" at the table, well except one..that would be me. I can't recall what they where exactly, but everyone got their shout out of congratulations, and I sat there and stuffed my fat face. I may have drank a little too, and I'm sure when dessert was done, I left the house, cause there was nothing more that I wanted then to not be with my family. Good Times, Right....

So the next day came and as I sat in my room, only caring about my feelings, I'm sure I was eating something, I wrote a note.. This note was had written, dated, and was pretty much "That Note". I put it all in there. How I felt at that table, and how I knew I fucked up my life, and how it was over. And I was pretty much giving up. I said I wouldn't kill myself, but eating McDonalds 4 times a day...well I may as well had stuck the gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger, at least it would have been over fast..instead of something long and drugged out. It was a note to my mom..that I was sorry, that I always loved her..and to my dad, that although we didn't get along, I always tried to be the son that he wanted. I was depressed..the most I had ever been and at my lowest point, and if I wasn't there yet, I was on my way. I wrote down everything I felt at the time, put it in an envelope, sealed it and gave it to a friend I knew I could trust. I told him...when I die, give this to my parents. I believe I was 25-27 when I did this, I don't remember the exact date right now. He questioned me, and I told him, I'm not killing myself, but the way I'm going I'm dead at 30..maybe 35 if I'm not lucky. Yea, NOT LUCKY...I just wanted to die.

I obsessed over death. Started to believe in the devil, wore black on valentines day (which I still don't believe is a real holiday, but I'm not depressed over it like I was). I figured out that this was my hell. Being ALIVE was my Hell..there had to be something else better out there. Nothing was good, and even when I was happy, it was brief, it was usually food or alcohol induced. It would only get worse, when I drank I could be anyone. There was Angry Dave, Happy Dave, Depressed Dave...and who knows how many other people I would be. And they would change, by the minute...One day I sat there at my desk, and on my desk I had this Rubbermaid drawer tower (best way to describe it), and I took a black sharpie and wrote on the clear plastic, everything that I knew I was. That I was worthless, fat, a failure, a loser. That I should die, no one would miss me...and really why would they..the most miserable person they knew would be dead.

Back to the note, I was in heavy debt at the time, I had 4 credit cards, and nothing to show for them..they where used to make me happy, alcohol and food, was buried in about 10,000 worth of it, if not more. I listed stuff that I may have of value that my parents could sell to pay of that debt. I told them how I wanted my service to go. I wanted something small...cremate me and spread my ashes in a few places. Being born and raised Jewish, they would have a quick funeral and sit shiv ah. I told them to by pass both. I stopped practicing and wanted religion to be no part of my life, even if I was dead. I think now that if anything it would be more for them, then for me....for their own comfort. But I only cared about me. I plan on living longer now, but still want cremation, and don't really want a religious funeral, but if they need it for comfort, then that's fine..I know it sounds weird reading that, but this is not cause I want to die, but I could walk out of my house tomorrow and be hit by a truck. I'm sure there is a lot more I'm forgetting, but until I get the note back, I can only lay out what I remember

I'm glad I'm not that person anymore. And in a week from tomorrow, I will share Thanksgiving dinner with some of those people..and I can't wait to see them. They are family and I love them all. I'm glad I decided to stick with this, this time..instead of leading that life. dead by 35, at worst. That's what I called, it..It was an ugly time..and know one should have to live that way. Its a mental game, and I'm happy, that I know have control over my demons.

11 Months, we are almost there. My 1 year is around the corner. Knocking on the door..where do we go from there..well year 2 will begin. Everyday I get a step closer to my dream, and a step away from my nightmare.

This Is It

2010-11-08T06:06:00.000-08:00

39 Days left, then I'm at my 1 year. That's it..I set out Almost a year ago, looking for one thing...Change. To pull a quote from 2Pac in his song Changes: "It's time for us as a people to start makin' some changes. Let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't working so it's on us to do what we gotta do, to survive." Well thats what I set out to do. I wanted eat better, live happy, treat people the right way..with respect..and just help encourage others to take their lives to a higher level. Cause my way before was not working...now it is.

This past week, I got sick and I suffered. I had 2 workouts 1 was good on Tuesday..pushing 666 calories out..a little scary of a number, but you do what you do, and then Saturday I did 30 minutes just to get my body preped for this week. The one thing I need to do is take it easy and work my way back into it. I know its going to suck cause I know, that I want to push it right away, but I don't need to get sick again. My entire month of October suffered cause I was fighting sickness. It sucked and I know I put a few pounds back on as the month went on, and that is not acceptable. But I wont let it get to me, There is still the bigger dream, the bigger goal. I talked with Ryan, just to keep my head on straight, talked about the future and where I want to go, and be. And it helped straighten me out. Got my mind back in the right mode. When I get sick I eat bad..cause it just makes me feel better. But being better, I'm back to eating good. And staying positive, Keeping my PMA high.

Like I said in the last post, I will have some posts coming soon, pushing away from my workouts. Talking more about my mental health, and would love to hear from others, Maybe you can relate, or anything leave a message, if you want to stay private email me at PMADave@hotmail.com

Dog Days

2010-11-05T18:03:00.000-07:00

So for the past week I've been sick as a dog. Its really messing with my head..all I want to do is be at the gym, but I know I have to get better, before I can work my ass off. I considered going today, I took an antibiotic and was feeling better. I though I could sweat it out..turns out that, that is an urban myth. Turns out it is better to rest and let my immune system get healthy before I try to push myself..that kind of explains the entire month of October. I think I've pretty much been sick through it all. And its killing me, but I have to let the workouts take a backseat until I'm healthy. Like I've said before, I have to many big plans for myself, and cant go all winter being sick. So i will ride out this weekend, hopefully by Sunday I'll feel great, by Monday at worst. And then, that push will come, the push towards my one year. I have a few posts coming soon...they will be off topic from my workout updates, but it is stuff that needs to be shared. Thank you.

Almost There 1 1/2 months till my 1 year.

2010-11-01T04:34:00.000-07:00

Its almost 1 year..1 month and 16 days away..just about a month and a half away. Wow. didn't think that almost 11 months in, I'd still be into it. The past two weeks haven't be that solid. I have to be honest about it, I've been straggling a little. Workouts have been slim and not as powerful and eating has had its high and lows. Today marks the beginning of a new week. Its time to bump the positive energy back up.

I've been droggy..and lazy (for the new me), it would be considered energetic for the old me. But its not where I've been working so hard to get to. Its a step down, but I consider it a slight laps in judgment..a minor fall..and the bounce back starts today. Today is Monday, and sometimes my workouts are sluggish. Lately I've been pushing for 40 minute workouts, thinking that 70 is to long, its been a lot of things, and I'm starting to find excuses again. I need to clear my head..I just have to become one with perfection again. By NO MEANS, will I let excuses take over my mind again. Its just a typical battle with the demons. They are still there..they are still relevant in my life, but its time for them to take a back seat and for me to keep pushing forward.

A month and a half left...then its one year. I can't wait to get there..its a little anxiety starting to kick it. Its a long road as I always say. 1 year will be a milestone for me. I still have a 2000 calorie workout to do..or attempt to get to. I have not forgot about that, nor have I forgot about my goals..my future. What I will be, where I will be..and most of all I haven't forgot who I was, what I was, where I was...this is for my future..my road to happiness..My Life..

Thanks to all that read this...I see in my stats that I have people all over the world that read this, its humbling, I have strong viewers in Canada, I would love to know who you all are, I encourage comments, so please become a follower and leave comments. Thanks everyone.

Help Others

2010-10-29T05:01:00.001-07:00

http://www.giftoflife.org/dc/Swab4Jennie/Blog.aspx
I've know Jennie since 2nd grade. She is a great person, and was always nice. Jennie is 30 and has leukemia. Click on the link and you can help. All it takes is a simple cheek swab to find out if you are a match. See link below to register for a free donor kit. Donations also welcome. There is a sponsorship code to enter:SWAB4JENNIE they will send you a free kit, you swab your cheek and send it back. There is more information on the site, just click on the link. Thank You

Also for those that have not read on FreeFromHell.com Ryan is running in the NYC Marathon for Team Hole in the Wall. If you can please donate for the race. Below is a direct link to the donation page.
Some info on these camps:
Every summer at Hole in the Wall Camps, hundreds of children become athletes and actors, painters and poets, swimmers and singers, clowns and canoe paddlers, naturalists, equestrians, and hot air balloonists. It is amazing what these campers accomplish in one week; just as amazing are the obstacles they overcome on a daily basis, for these children suffer from serious illnesses such as cancer, sickle cell anemia, HIV/AIDS, and hemophilia. Camp helps keep them going – throughout the many challenges of serious illness
http://www.teamholeinthewall.org/page.aspx?pid=811&tab=0&frsid=3636

I've always wanted to help others. This is a start.

Thanks People

More updates on myself coming soon.

I'm not afraid

2010-10-21T05:17:00.000-07:00

Back in February I talked about my fears..and one of my biggest fears was change..I was afraid of what I was going to become.. Its weird to say it..but lets me honest, we all know me, well most of my readers to, we knew what I was and who I was...and how I could be happy, and when I drank I was 30 different people. I'm now happy, well not fully happy, but I can smile and when I drink I'm not a depressing human, and it takes a lot to push me back down, cause right now I feel like I'm living on top of the world. I'm easily inspired now..it could be Ryans blog (www.freefromhell.com) or my favorite cd (recovery by Eminem) or that when I go to do cardio I can do at least 70 minutes and it doesn't take as much push as it used to. That I can go and push myself to extremes and when I max out, I smile knowing I did what I could. I'm inspired that others are inspired by my story...We all have a story...no matter what it is, and we all have something that haunts us, and helping others push through that..that's what I want. I appreciate the comments more that you can imagine. The sky is not the limit, and the moon is just the beginning...the universe is large and I'm ready to take it on.

I dropped 4 more pounds..grant it it fluctuates..so I only check it a few times a month. I got 148 more to go till I get to my 220 goal..168 till 200...yea it drops every time I think about it..first 250, then 220....I want to be 200 lbs..

I'm not afraid of the future, of where I will be in a year, in 3 years or 5 or 10...this is my life and everyday is better. Don't let things bother you...feed off of them..push yourself to knew levels..new heights..I'm ready to live my life...

Bullying

2010-10-19T04:44:00.000-07:00

In light off all that is going on in this country recently with bullying, I've started thinking again. And it was something I've always began to type, but would delete. It is something I never like to talk about, but has so much relevance in what happened to me..how I taught myself to deal with the pain. And it started early, in elementary school..and I guess it never really went away, but you learn to tolerate it. Yea...how much does that suck, it sucks to say, it never stops, but you tolerate it...this blog post was inspired by a blog called Single Dad Laughing...http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/memoirs-of-bullied-kid.html

It started when I was young, I can remember being the first kid in 5th grade to get a pimple. I didn't want to go to school, it was picture day and on the middle of my forehead there it was. It was huge and nothing could be done, it began..I had oily skin when I was young. So Pepperoni face was inevitable. None the less I was bigger then everyone else (not so much fat at this point, just bigger) and I was shy. Shy as could be and easily embarrassed. I had my friends, and even they participated in picking on me. They likely claimed they where joking and at a young age I learned to push it off. But little did I know, the worst year of my life was around the corner. 6th grade came to an end, I was really figuring out who I was and was going to lose some friends cause Johnson school split. It was the borderline school, so east side kids went to one school and west side kids to the other..I want to Beck Middle School...

7th Grade....
Middle School began, there was no more recess and life slowly began to change. I saw kids that that I only knew from little league, began to meet new friends and then even a kid that I thought was my friend, began to pick on me, it was a slow start, but when you thought it couldn't get worse it did. I was bigger then most kids (still not fat, maybe I was, but not Obese yet) and this one Asshole..cause really there is nothing else I can think of to call him that would be near nice or appropriate right now...I'll change it, we will call him Chris. Chris decided it would be a wonderful idea to call me ogre and oaf..and when he saw I didn't like it, It only made him do it more. My Names where Ogre and Oaffy..wonderful..and this kid was my "friend". He was and absolute dick, and every day he would remind me of the names and encourage others to call me it, and had no shame doing it in front of the teacher. Only one teacher ever stepped up. An old man..I don't remember his name, but he could tell I was clearly angry..He would tell Chris to stop and threaten detention, but it only made it worse for me. I thanked the teacher and told him to stop, Chris is my "friend" and we where just joking around. One day I though it was a great idea to fight back..I was fed up, I was sick of it...I took Chris I threw him into a locker and told him to F'Off or I'd kick his ass. Little did I know at the time, the hell that would become my life. Instead of just being a "friend" and backing down he went to the friends he had in 8th grade. I was screwed, I was in 7th grade and had to look over my shoulder at all times. I couldn't wait for summer..it was so far away. I remember being in the hallway talking to someone and I turned around and his hand was around my neck and he through me into a locker..and said stop fucking with Chris, or I will kill you. And when it wasn't enough at school, I'd get phone calls at night. I couldn't escape. It was always there. It was 7th grade, and I wanted to blast myself. I hide it well, but then my grades started to come, B's would be great..I was pulling mostly C's and even my first D...how the hell am I going to tell my parents I got a D...Chris did it, he called my parents and told him I got a D..Seriously..I was ready to lose it. The next day I flipped out and that night another phone call from an 8th grader...I had to tell Chris that I'm sorry..are you kidding me...life was miserable. All I wanted was for them to feel my pain, I wanted them to die..I wanted to kill them...but I couldn't never do it...I don't know what it was...I started sneaking food at home, mom is walking the dog, time to binge..and then go to my room. Eating worked..so I thought..the pain was gone..kind of...during this time in 7th grade, my dad got a job with Starter..now we had to sell the house and we where going to move to Connecticut. Sweet, new school new people, they didn't know me, I can finally escape this hell...so I thought, the house never sold..and I had to stay there. and though it felt like 20 years, 7th grade ended. It was over. Thank God....thankfully 8th grade was not a repeat of 7th, in fact with the 8th graders now gone, Chris pretty much had backed down, and our "friendship" ended that last day of 7th grade. It was over.

8th grade could not have been that bad, I don't have many memories..or bad ones for that matter. In fact most of the things that came later, weren't that bad..mostly brought on by myself...I started with football my freshman year. I learned to channel my anger towards that. Grant it, 10th grade was tough on me, my grades suffered again, and there was a senior that "picked" on me, but I did stand up to him, and he really was a friend..he was another football player. He was a friends older brother, and his intent was to piss me off during football to help me get angry on the field..and though he would pick on me in the hallway, I stood up to him one day...and no punches where thrown and there was an instigator there..but I still never saw this as bullying..I still don't see it that way..

Something I realized though, and it wasn't till late, when I was in 7th grade, and I got called the names I picked on kids that where weaker then me, just to pick up my spirits. I'd push, hit them, whatever brought them down, and lifted me up..this likely continued until 10th grade or so..and then I stopped, it wasn't me. None the less, I've tried to be nicer to people over the years. I never would want someone to experience that hell..cause in all terms it was pure hell. 7th Grade sucked...

Sometime in early 2000 decade I found out one of those bullies died in a car accident..I felt relief...does that make sense...I mean...its awful to say, but it was relief. It had to be about 2 years ago and I was at a job of mine and Chris walked in..Full blown 7th grade thoughts came back. I hadn't seen him in 8 years...since high school. We where talking and I told him how he made 7th grade pure hell for me, he didn't even remember, It made me mad..YOU DID ALL THAT TO ME AND YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER...it made it all that much worse..I saw him a few more times and again..he passed away...and again I felt relief..not sadness, not anger..but relief...and I'm still not sure if it was the right feeling or not, but that's what I got.

The Bullying will never fully be stopped, as its not just kids that do it..adults are just as cruel. But these are some of the demons that I still fight off..since 7th grade I've had these thoughts..the anger and the rage, the names never go away...the pain of sitting in my room and feeling alone, cause really if my parents knew..what where they going to do..call Chris parents and tell them, so he would bring that up at school..it would only have been worse. This is the stuff that I think about ever workout, those kids...7th grade...

10 Months

2010-10-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

That right, I made it to 10 months. 10 Months ago I walked into Retro Fitness for my first of many carido workouts. I'm going to wait till my 1 year mark to really review what I've done and where I am, so in this post I will just share some feelings.

This weekend I went up to Springfield, NJ and Caldwell, NJ. Springfield has a lot of meaning to me. For those that don't know, me and Scott Rosenbaum have known each other since pre-school, I've pretty much known him my entire life. Living around the block, our families became very close, and over time they weren't friends, they became family. I always refer to them as family, his parents are Aunt Merle and Uncle Mike. So of course, on my trip up to Caldwell, I had to stop in Springfield to visit my family. It is always great to see them and I have so many memories of their house. The last time I saw them was in February, about 2 months into my journey. I hadn't lost much and it really didn't show. I knew I was doing well, but it really didn't show. The last time they had seen me, which was likely my sisters wedding, I may have weighed less. Uncle Mike opens the door and goes, Yes I see the difference you look great. It could only make me smile. I love these people and their words mean so much. I know no matter what they loved me, but to show them that what I write isn't just BS, for them to see it, and understand it, It is great. It felt like an interview, back and forth with questions. Old me would have beaten around the bush, but I gave my honest answer to everything. How I go about it and even why I wont get new "smaller" clothing. When you are as big as I was and am, you get used to and scared by certain things. Can I fit in a smaller size shirt, Yes I can..but there is a flaw, the are still a little tight..they fit me, I'm not ready for a shirt that "fits". When I was bigger 6xls where tight on my body and my goal was to get away from that, so not matter what right now I can't wear shirts or pants that fit, I need over sized, or baggy clothing...Some may say, it doesn't make sense, its its tighter, then you will push harder for it to be baggy...you would think...but my mind for some reason has the opposite affect. I guess, if you have never really experienced it, you can fully understand it.

After leaving Springfield I headed to Caldwell...There I'd be hanging out with some old college friends. That night we went out to the bar. The praise was there, and again, I could only smile. The support from these people is wonderful..Most have not seen me since May. And for them to see me doing well was defiantly and experience. I couldn't have enjoyed my weekend more for where I am mentally and physically right now (yet a Phillies win would have helped).

I used to live and die by sports. I'm obviously a huge sports fanatic. But something has changed. I still love my sports..but I realize that in no way can they effect my future. If my team loses, my life still has to go on. I will be upset, but I can't let it effect my life...on that note Go Phillies.

I have a long way to go. There is only one thing that can hold me back and that is myself. But if I won't let me fail, then Failure won't happen...from everything I know believe in, Failure is not an option. Success is all I see in the future. Like I said this weekend, I don't know how long it will take, It could be 1 year or 10 years. Rome wasn't built in a day, and the weight loss won't happen over night. But I can Promise that it will happen...This is for me..This is for my future..as selfish as it may sound, it is the only way that it will happen.

Before I end this, I'd like to congratulate Ryan..50 miles bro..50 MILES!!! you can read all about it on www.freefromhell.com. It is an amazing story that will inspire you to go after your wildest dreams.

Thank you for those that continue to follow my journey. Some comment here, some on facebook and some in person. Some don't at all..but the support is defiantly a positive and I greatly appreciate it. And for you that don't believe, keep it going also..I feed off of it. I don't know who you are, but I know they exist..but like I said, I'm not doing this to prove them wrong or right...I'm just doing this to right myself..and to live happy. Thanks Again.

Motivation

2010-10-08T06:29:00.000-07:00

On my way to the office today I heard a song on the radio that I have not heard in a while. How to Save a Life by The Fray. It is a true reminder to me of who I used to be. Listen to the lyrics. The words mean a lot to me, it pretty much sums up my experiance with some of those that were closest to me, that would try to talk to me and I would just walk away. Lately I've been reading more inspirational quotes, ones that keep the drive in my system, and help me to push me towards my wild dreams. One of the most inspirational people is Vince Lombardi. Some of my favorites of his are below:

Confidence is contagious. So is lack of confidence.
Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price.
Football is like life - it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority.
I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious.
If you can accept losing, you can't win.
It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline when you're a winner, when you're number one. What you got to have is faith and discipline when you're not a winner.
It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.

He has many more, but those are some that I will continue to think about when I train.

This weekend, my friend Ryan will be running in the Can Lake 50. This is a 50 mile run around a lake in upstate New York. He has overcome so much negative in is his life. For his story visit www.freefromhell.com. He will battle fatigue and weakness, but menatlly I believe he will stay strong. Since I started talking to him again on Memorial Day weekend, he has been talking about this. It doesn't matter if he finishes the race in 7 hours or 12 hours (which is the max time), just for him to be doing this is amazing. But I know he will finish..Good Luck Ryan, Get whats yours>>PMA.

I'd like to thank all those that have commented to me about the the last blog. I'm amazed that it has been viewed 70 times. It is truly overwhelming, and has only fired me up more, I will post more current pictures ever few months, as that is when I notice the major changes. I will try to post some full body shots for you also. Although I still have a large stomach/gut/whatever you want to call it, it has gone down. I will continue to push, and refuse to give up. The motivation is stronger then ever, especially with the support that I have gotten from Family, Friends and even people I don't know. The only thing stopping me from my goal is myself, and that little guy in my head, well he won't let me quit. Thanks Again for all the Support!

Then and Now

2010-10-04T15:34:00.001-07:00

I was on FaceBook last night and was looking for a new profile picture, so I went back a few months and found this one from January. And I just looked at it and said no fucking way. Yep, that was me. I couldn't even begin to believe it. I know I had lost weight, but until you put the pictures up side by side, I just couldn't believe it. I'm Proud of myself and overly excited. lately has been rough, I had the streak of depression and random lacks of motivation, but looking at this and seeing how much has changed in about 8 months is unreal. Not even one year and it feels like a world of difference. I don't really have much to write about today, it was really just to show off the difference. Not everyone that reads this is friends with me on facebook so for all you that saw this, to bad, you get to see it again.

The Moral--If you have a dream anything is possible. It takes a lot of dedication, a lot of motivation and good people around you to keep you in check.

Thanks to all that have been on the trip so far..it is not over yet...I still have a lot more to go. Doesn't matter how long it takes, I Won't Back Down, I'm not giving up.

Bottled Up Memories...

2010-10-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

I always talk about my friend Ryan (freefromhell.com), about how he inspires me and just has taken control of his life. His posts always get me to thinking and although the experience may be different, the feelings and emotions are the same. I had a heart to heart with my parents a few weeks ago. And my dad made some comments that though one time where true, no longer are, and I lashed out..pretty much, you don't know me...and he realized he was wrong. But also said that we don't talk enough. And its true. I'm really just starting to reconnect with my family. For years it was easier to shut the door and not tell them shit. They didn't need to know, and to this day I still think they where better off. The anger and extreme rage that I felt, would only drag everyone down, so I let it build up inside...it affected everything, and through that time I really thought the only person being hurt was me, so I dealt with it the way I could. Out of control eating and excessive drinking.

I pretty much stopped talking to my father when I was in high school, and though I worked for him for a while after college, most of our days where filled with arguments, which I slowly started to take out on my mother. I was turning into a monster. She was the only person who ever listened, and she didn't judge me, it was just an easy target. I'd break stuff, I destroyed my walls, broke a few doors, beat the hell out of myself and all this time, I was totally convinced that the outside world had no idea, how much I hated myself.

I guess where I'm trying to go with this is I have stuff, mostly from college that are just in my room...the only value that it has is, what I remember form it. There where the good times, and bad times...but they where from a time when I despised myself. I may be a hoarder, though I can throw things away, I think its that I grasp on onto memories of some things, cause I wish they lasted longer. Its really hard to put into words how I feel. I still have my bottles from sweetheart weekend, and my jersey on my wall...I think its just time to pack them all up. I don't know if I will ever get rid of them, probably not, not my jersey at least. But Its time to grow up and move on. I have to much good going on, to use the past as a reminder of what I did to myself...even worse, the name. You know that name, I fucking hate it, I wont even say it. I don't hate the reasons I got it or the experience I had with it, but I hate how I just embraced it. How I became someone, that maybe I wasn't. Its my high school jersey, that I have in my room, the hats from then and my ZBT one from college...some toys from when I was a kid, Stuff that I need to remember, but now I think I want to move forward.

Over the next few days I will pack up my old self, and after the yard sale this weekend, I will push forward, towards the new me, my new attitude, my new way of thinking. Things seem to be going well right now, I'm just happier...leaning towards happy. And it may not all work out, though I hope it does. The end result will be a better picture.

Battling Depression

2010-09-29T05:18:00.000-07:00

Everything is going great, and everyday I feel better, knowing I'm doing what I set out to do. But every few months, I get this void...this darkness sets in. And I begin to battle my depression. I wasn't going to touch on this topic, but felt that if I'm being honest with myself, I have to lay this out there. I go through these stages every few months where I feel like I'm doing something wrong (even though I'm not). Although my PMA is strong and powerful, and that voice won't let me quit, that my demons, feel they have to make there presence known. And the depression begins. It used to be easy to control (well in my old state of mind it was)...I'd EAT and then EAT some more. Lots of junk food, I'd feed the demons, and they would just eventually get their fill, and leave. I can't do this anymore, so they linger, and I have to exercise my demons..literally.

I know I continue to bust my ass and though I know I'm losing weight and know I'm doing the best I can..I look in the mirror, and when things are going good I smile. During the bouts of depression..the demons, they try to convince me that everything is wrong, that I'm a failure, that I cant make it, that I should just go back to what makes them happy. And sometimes I feel like I will break. But I can't...and I won't. I hated that person..

I know the demons will linger and I just have to keep pressing against them. Its so much easier said than done. But I'm not going to give in, not to fast food, not to junk food, not doing over drinking, cause really when the demons do leave, I feel the effects still..and then the demons will come back in double force.

I just have to keep the positive energy close...and the negative energy will eventually fade. Living Free is the Goal..

1st 1500 Calorie Burn

2010-09-22T04:53:00.001-07:00

I left work yesterday and decided, this was the day..I was fired up and decided I was going for a 2000 Calorie burn, or body failure, which ever came first. Turned out it was body failure, but that was all that failed. I was so excited and so proud of myself. Even with doing the 90 minutes a few times, 100 minutes seemed close to impossible. Its only 10 more minutes, but on the 90 minute workouts, I usually begin to fail around 80 minutes, sure enough that happened again, but this time I had to push for 20 more minutes, I wanted that 1500+ workout.

As I got closer to my goal, the body started to go out of wack, it was just strange. My left hand wouldn't close, when I tried close it, it would open back up..my feet swelled up like footballs, and my mind was just everywhere. I could barely see, I was pretty much delirious, but also completely determined. When it was finally over, i got off the machine, my feet went back to normal, my mind was still all over and now both my hands wouldn't close. Slowly I started to come back to reality and realized what I just did. Wow, I tried to let it all sink in right away, and was overwhelmed with emotion. After about 20 minutes I was myself again. It was huge victory for me, I'm still glowing today. I had a little swagger in my walk..

Despite the soreness today, I feel great. I fell asleep around midnight last night and woke up around 6:30 this morning. It could be the first time I've been asleep before 1 in months. Proving to myself that I could go that far and that long while doing cardio was something I needed. I still want my 2000 Calorie/140 minute workout..but it is baby steps, and now I know I can get there.

The final numbers: 100 Minutes. 9.21 Miles. 1,535 Calories.

The Experiment, The Project......The Truth, The Future.

2010-09-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

In my last post I talked about "The Experiment". This is what I called my program...I believed it was time to start, but the way I thought was still negative. I really believed from day 1 that by the time one year came around I would have failed. No ifs ands or buts, I would have suckered everyone back in, and would have quit. I was giving myself 1 year, not a lot of time. In that one year span I had to..HAD TO LOSE ALL THE WEIGHT or I'd quit, because otherwise it wasn't worth it. Somewhere along the way I woke up and reality set in...I started feeling good, and knew that One Year, just wasn't going to be enough. The Experiment would have been an Epic Fail..just like everything else I have ever done.

This "Experiment" turning into and experience, A true eye opening event for me. I've started changing everything, it wasn't just about losing weight, It was a Lifestyle Change, and even more than just my health, it was how I went about life with friendships, family and relationships. I look for real people and started seeing the good in people, as people I mean my friends. I can't even begin to explain how much your attitude, can have a cause/effect on how you view people and they view you. I brought so much negative that I made all the good in my life, turn to shit, and even when I hung out with those that still wanted to see me, you could see in their eyes, what they truly believed about me, and the worst thing I could have done was lose weight act happy, drag those friends I lost back in, screw it all up and lose them forever...and you only get one second chance...This is my second chance with those people, and grant it, not everyone still talks to me, or may even want to..I was an asshole, a complete and totally negative asshole to people, and not just anyone to people I loved, my friends, my family and my best friends. If you where happy and I wasn't, I'd try to do what I could to make you feel negative about something.

This so called "Experiment" is more of reality, Living up to my expectations, overcoming the negative, and striving for the positive. Striving towards my freedom and taking control of my life. This Trip is not easy. The road is not smooth, its rocky, but as I go through the storm I learn more and more about what my body can do, and that there is an athlete inside this costume. The sky will be blue in the end, and I can't wait to get there.

This is not longer and experiment, It's my experience. My Reality...My Truth...

90 Again

2010-09-20T05:06:00.000-07:00

Friday Night I was hanging out at the bar with the usual suspects, Jay, Jay, & Paul...Jacquie made an unusual appearance, but me and Paul where talking and I said I'm doing another 90 on Saturday..he goes no your not, which only fired me up even more. Paul knows I can do it, and I don't know if he was messing with me or serious but at that point I was determined to go to the gym on Saturday and do 90 minutes. Granted, I had a few drinks in me and if he told me to do the cupid shuffle I likely would have.

When I left the bar I noticed the end pipe of my muffler is about an inch off of the ground...it was slowly falling, and now it was pretty much off. I figured when I woke up I'd go to the car place and 20 minutes later and maybe $200 later it would be fixed...This is dreaming..Turns out the front end of my car was shot, like you can shake the wheel with no effort at all and they where about to fall of. Wonderful after a few hours of figuring out I leave my car and go home. At this point I'm mentally drained. My mind is shot at this point, I'm cranky and just straight tired. 4pm is rolling around and the gym closes at 6pm. Well I have to go do something , at this point in my mind, 90 is out of the question. I was going to go lift and leave.

I walk in and it was empty, as it should be, I'm in Cherry Hill and it is Yom Kippur. Its about 4:15 by the time I get started, and said F'it, I'm doing cardio. It started off slow, normally it takes the first 10 to get going, this took the first 30..and even then I wanted to stop. But then the Mind took over..not the normal mind, this little voice (we will now refer to him as the voice..) in the back of the head that pushes me through everything. The voice said, lets get to 45 then we will talk. FINE..so I kept pushing. I've always said when I get to 45 minutes, 70 comes easy. So at 45, and at the point of wanting to quit, that voice comes back...my quitter mind goes..you got your 45 you had a bad day..you're done, the voice disagreed. The Voice said you never stop at 45...70 is 25 away..FINE. So of course I get to 70, and I have a sip of water left, almost no energy, and only excuses flying through my mind, and then the voice...start the machine back up..you did 70...you are 20 minutes away...you can get through it. Then the Mind decided to play along..that last 20 minutes was great, It was a hell of a fight, but we just pushed, and after 1 1/2 hours I did it. And I did better then the first time. That little voice, took over my entire mind, he is strong, my strength. While my mind tells me everything I've done and what I don't want to be, my mind keeps telling me how my body feels, where the voice tells me what my body can truly handle.

I Feel great, and every day it gets better. The Voice is all that is good in my life now, and he/she/whoever just keeps pushing me along. A lot got me through this. Maybe it was the fire I had from my "bad day" which is not bad when you put all into perspective, I'm still alive, my car was just broken. Or that 2 great friends, Rachel and Jess, who are feeling free decided it was a great idea to jump out of a plane and go skydiving...and I wish I could feel that free right now. Maybe its just that I know what I am capable of doing, and that if I want to strive and push myself, I won't let my mind talk me out of it. I have a lot to do before my 1 year "experiment" is up. Tomorrow I'll get more into that. But now I know what is good, and I know what I can do, what I want to do, and when I get to that 220, or less, lets call it 215 to be safe, I will make my jump and on that day I know I will be free.

9 MONTHS!!!!!

2010-09-18T00:32:00.000-07:00

9 Months...9 F'n Months...you don't even know how good that feels to say.. It was 9 Months on Friday. I didn't have time then so I'm doing this now. I can not begin to describe how great this is, and feels and where I am..to be honest, I don't think I could come up with the words. Its like a breath of fresh air. I've never felt better, I've pushed myself to places I never thought I could reach, and I have only just begun. There is no denying the truth, there is only rejecting the fear. I'm going for gold or bust. I want to be 220 or lighter...I will get there. There are 2 options...getting to my goal or death...I know in my mind, that the only way I don't hit my goal is that I give up. And if I give up I will go back to the Old Me...and will Die of a massive heart attack. Fuck that..I'm going for GOLD.. and the only thing standing in my way is ME...and I know in my mind, in my heart and in my soul that I can kick my own ass. Things have changed since March 2009..when I began to change my life..even more has changed since December 2009 when I joined the gym and brought cardio back.

1. I'm Happy...yea I said it..I love to smile, I love being with my friends and when the time is right, I love to dance and I DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK..Fuck them...They wish they could be as happy as me. They Don't know pain, cause if they did they would be happy. But no...they just don't get it.

2. 9 Months....7 Months was a small victory..this is great..but 2 years...WILL BE AMAZING.

3. Never look back..where as I will always reflect on my past..good or bad...I will never look back and become what I was...I will grow from it, I will feed off of it...I am Me...I am strong...which brings me to:

4. PMA..my Positive Mental Attitude....I was a big negative asshole for way to long..and it got me nowhere....let me rephrase that..it got me NOWHERE GOOD...That Mental State is history...Everything is Positive from here on out..(except for my sports teams :-) )

Life is not a right...it's a gift...if it was a right, then we would live forever. I always said I only live once. AND THAT WAS IT...that was dead at 35 Dave....Now I only live once...but I'm going to be the best I can be...and live everyday to the max..but i don't need to party everyday...I just need to be me...PMA...

My daily plug:
www.freefromhell.com

A New State of Mind

2010-09-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot, and I may have talked about this all before, but it is on my mind again. It comes up when I'm feeling down, but now I try to stay positive. It is my PMA. I was looking through some facebook stuff today and saw Amys New Blog post (http://theoverthinker.blog.com/2010/09/do-us-all-a-favor/) and it is about depressing status updates. I used to be the master of these..Ask my friends from MySpace...my background was Dark..It was the Joker from Dark Knight..I was a dark person. I had a website I found of depressing quotes, I wanted to die and my goal was to make everyone feel the pain I felt (my NMA..Negative Mental Attitude). That I was depressed, cause I thought my life sucked, cause I was a pathetic piece of shit..because I was lazy, because I was heavy, because I was a quitter, Because it was NEVER MY FAULT...BULL SHIT.. I can't believe the life I lived, I can't believe that this was me. That every day when I woke up I was pissed off, cause I was awake, and not dead. FUCKING SAD...and looking back, even I can't feel bad for that person. He was gone, it didn't matter when people tried to help, I was set on my shitty lifestyle.

It took a lot for me to turn this around and even now its not perfect. I don't know if it will ever be perfect. But I've started looking around for other sites. And maybe I will read some books..But I know I don't think that way anymore. Its always about Thinking Positive, if you think that way, you will live that way, and you can only succeed.

Besides Amys Website (another plug http://theoverthinker.blog.com/2010/09/do-us-all-a-favor/) and of course Ryans site (www.freefromhell.com), I found this one today while looking for inspirational quotes to post instead of the NEGATIVE that I used to post: http://www.successconsciousness.com/. Meanwhile, the best one I ever found came from a fortune cookie, "Only you can change your life, No one can do it for you." Everyday its PMA, Every aspect has to be positive, Life, Death, Work, Relationships, Friendship and so on. Even in Negative, There is Positive, you just have to dig deep.

Keep the Mind Set of PMA, Live it Love it...Feel it..

When my mind takes over.

2010-09-10T04:52:00.000-07:00

It still amazes me, how my mind has changed since this started. On Thursday, my family celebrated the Jewish holiday with dinner...so I asked my mother what time is dinner, she told me 4 (which means 5)..great..smack down in the middle of my day, oh well, I'd figure out my day around it. So the plan was, go to work early, then gym, then dinner. That obviously didn't work, I was still in early, but I didn't get out till about 4. I got home showered and began mingling with the family. I was glowing, and if you knew me before, the Jewish holidays I used to pass on..I'd go for thanksgiving, cause it wasn't a religious holiday..i was also a miserable asshole back then. Anyways, after stuffing my face full of delicious foods, I decided, I gotta go to the gym. I was beat, and borderline sick from eating so much, and all my mind kept saying, is the gym is still open, its open till 11. It is almost 8, go to the gym. I tried to shut it down, but unless I'm absolutely 100% fatigued, my mind will pick at me until i go to the gym for a workout. So I went up and changed, said my goodbyes and hit the gym. Did a 30 minute workout, which after a good 25 minutes I wanted to stop. From the beginning I was only doing 30..so at 25 when my stomach started to get "upset", I pretty much told it to shut up, it would be fine for the last 5. And I got it down, It felt great to do it. Yes, it was 30 minutes, not 70...but it was about the mental attitude...How it has changed.

So at the dinner, I saw some family that I don't get to see much..they are "old" family...as in they are friends that we have known 23 years, and at this point I forgot that we aren't blood, but we might as well be. Brett, was talking with my dad and turned to me and said that I looked great, it made me happy. About and hour and a half later me and my dad where talking away from everyone and he goes, I'm sorry I have not noticed till now, but you look great. I see him all the time, it was great to hear that from him though, it only inspired me more to go to the gym that night.

I never told my parents about this blog, I'm not sure if someone else has, but I'm 99% sure my father has never read it, and my mom, who knows, maybe..but after my one year I plan on sharing it with them. I've always been secretive with them, and I don't know if they really understand how I mentally and physically have struggled over the years...how the mind games that played with myself, really fucked with me. The time will come when it is right to share it all with them, so please respect my choice and do not share this with them.

I'm so happy right now. And yes, I say this every post, I have a long road ahead of me, till I hit my ultimate goals. But I WON'T BACK DOWN..Quiting is not an option...FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.

PMA!!!

Everyday is Better!

2010-09-03T05:17:00.000-07:00

I just heard a song the radio that I used to listen to a few years ago while I ate all alone, binging and telling myself how everyone did me wrong...the song: boulevard of broken dreams...that was my life. I WAS PATHETIC...at best.. The mental aspect was just....just wrong, I was out of control. Today I got up around 6:45 and I just felt happy. The workouts are going great, and I know that every time I workout I push myself as hard as I can, and get in the best workout I can. I got to sleep tired, but its good tired, not I've been sitting around all day doing nothing, but I've exerted all my energy into making myself better. I was looking back at a post from May. In may I did my Epic week...which included lifting (which I haven't done in a while), but the part that caught me was that I wanted to do 2 1000+ Calorie workouts. Now 1000+ workouts come with ease. This week SO far has been excellent. Monday I started off the week with a 90 Minute workout. It was a push, it may have been the hardest thing I've ever done. But I did it..And I was glowing. I was so excited and so happy. But it was what would happen after that. As great as a 90 minute workout is, its how you excel in the next workouts...I followed up this on Tuesday with a 70 minute workout, took off Wednesday, and Thursday went back with another 70 minute workout. Its and Emotional High...a High that we can all appreciate it. I wont work out if I cant' give it my all. If I feel I cant push it, it will be an off day. Grant it...Not every workout will be 70+ minute, one could be 30 minutes..but as long as I push myself to my fullest..nothing else matters.

I've been keeping up with other peoples blogs/websites that provide inspiration. Some are recovery stories, some are turning lives around others are just the everyday norm. Its a small support group for me..grant it it is 3 pages. 1 I know well, 1 is a newer friend, and the other I only know him from online. I like to now surround myself with positive people, who think positive, live positive, and can enjoy life. Cause this life, we only live once, I don't know what happens after..But I live for now, Healthy, Clean, and as Happy as I want to be...Every day is better then the last.

It is about the Positive Mental Attitude. MY PMA, EVERYDAY.

Check out my friends:
www.freefromhell.com Ryan has overcome a lot. He keeps pushing and helps to keep my mind clear.
http://badxblog.wordpress.com/ This is Steve..he has done a 180 in life, has a very inspirational story, that I'm sure others can relate to.
http://theoverthinker.blog.com/ Amy speaks her mind. A lot of her stories remind you that life should be enjoyed. That it is not just about the 9-5 everyday..that we should live a little also..and some random other things, but it is fun.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Somerset-NJ/C-Lewis-Photography/475105485566?ref=ts Chris photography page, shows his pictures that show off life...you cant truly appreciate it unless you have a clean mind...to understand the beauty around us..

I'm sure I have others to share, but these are the few for now.

Lastly, my inspirational song pick of the year. This has kept me going from the beginning...

Somewhere over the Rainbow - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I

The Epic 90

2010-08-30T19:18:00.000-07:00

I did...my 90 minute workout, without the movie...I did it with music and determination. Just to prove to myself that I could do it...I felt like gold after. It took so much push and will power. 70 minutes was cake..75 was great, getting to 80 felt like a life time, 85 came and started to go..that last 5 minutes was the hardest push ever. I kept telling myself, no way are you stopping now.. And then it happened. I hit my goal..a 90 minute cardio workout. The End Totals: 90 Minutes, 7.76 Miles, 1,362 Calories, on the elliptical. What a relief. If anything it has opened my mind up to bigger goals..

Next major target is 2,000 Calories. That would be 638 more that today. So I figure its 2 full hours..so either I will get to 2,000 Calories or 140 minutes first..either way I will be happy (and yes, I know 2 hours is 120 minutes..but the machine goes up to 70 minutes...so I count that as a complete workout)...so 140 minutes is the next ultimate goal..or 2000 Calories..I want the 140 minutes more.

Either way today was a huge day for me. After a few days of questioning myself and going through some emotions that tried to get the best of me, I needed this. Right now I'm sitting on top of the world, and Tuesday is a nice follow up with boxing. In the end, I Won't Back Down...

Looking back

2010-08-27T23:46:00.001-07:00

I was looking back at my blog from 3 months...it was a big deal...but i wrote the following:

"Most of all would be to fit into the one shirt I have hanging in my closet. The style is likely "out" but i don't care, i like the shirt. Its a 5XLT. I "fit" into it now. I fit as in, its goes over me, but I'm not truly comfortable wearing it in public yet. I do have 2 t-shirts that I have not been able to wear in years, that I can finally fit back into. Both I had still worn, but as under shirts. Now I can wear them as over shirts. The one I wore this past weekend, it felt great to get it on. They aren't cheap either at $30 a shirt for the one and likely $50 on the other, they had become pretty expensive undershirts."

I've just past 8 months and working on 9...Tonight I wore out THAT 5XLT shirts..in fact I wear it on lot..its Sean John..it may not be so much what I "should" wear...but I also don't give a fuck what others think...This is about me...and to know something that I haven't been able to wear in years...fits me again..well it is amazing. Those other 2 Shirts...the one I wear all the time..and since then I have found more. Some I have worn out so much that holes are now there, they are strictly gym shirts.. So be it...It feels amazing..

Side note I remembered I have a Football Fantasy Draft on Sunday...there goes the 90 min workout then, F'it...Saturday is still alive..I'm going for it then...I wont hit the gym till the afternoon...I've convinced myself that if i hit 70mins, I'm doing 90...its just a matter of doing it..and I'm not ready to back down...

9 months is coming...its 20 days away...so in 3 months and 20 days it will be one year... YOU BET IT WILL..and I'm not giving up..if anything I will improve. Failure IS NOT AN OPTION...more and more every day I'm freeing myself..from what I was...for the hell in my life...From everything that brought be down...I'm almost there..I just have one more thing to give up...maybe 2..but this is the big one..the one that will be harder than anything...I plan on doing it for most of January, all of February & parts of March...but can I do "IT" before than..I don't know if I'm ready...but I think if I can go 2 months with out Alcohol, I may be able to quit it for good....That's Phase 2. I will talk to Ryan tomorrow, I don't think I'm ready...but it is something I have to consider...Cause honestly..I just got home from the bar, and it just feels WRONG.......

Stay Strong, Push Hard, Live Strong...Anything is possible, you just have to WANT IT.

On a new High

2010-08-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

Since I've started this, I've been waiting for that moment...that moment when I realized that everything was working, that I'm changing. I was thinking about it this past week, and realized things have changed. I'm more social now. This summer or even since new years, I've gone to visit and hang out with others around NJ and now PA. Where I used to make up some dumb excuse on why I couldn't hang out, I say F'it and now love to go hang out with my friends. I used to sleep all weekend..my weekend was drink eat and bed..I didn't want to be bothered..my weekends where wasted. Now I love to visit my friends..no matter where they live..I find joy being surrounded by people I care about. Another thing I've noticed is the pain..the pain I used to get was in my lower back, and in my knees and ankles and all the lower body pressure points. Now that pain is gone..I get "good" pain...its soreness. I have no problem being sore, to me it means I'm working hard and pushing myself. I'm taking my body to new extremes. I push myself and it just keeps me going. A lot of the time you hear the expression, "I'm on cloud 9", I've surpassed 9...I'm on 15...I feel great. I've noticed recently that my stomach has really gone down. I always new it had, but how shorts/pants fit and shirts, I now, know it really has worked, my face, is shrinking...and the best term I heard came from my friend Chris a few weeks ago. He said he could tell I've lost weight cause on the back of my neck the sausage links are gone, I smiled, and he said no I'm serious and I'm not trying to be mean (usually cause he is a sarcastic asshole [doesn't mean I don't love ya]). I have a lot of goals and dreams for myself. All I know is I'm going to keep pushing.

The Struggles aren't as bad as they once where. I live off the High I get at the gym. I love the push, the pain and the ultimate pleasure of victory. Every time I finish a workout I know if I succeeded at what I went out to do or failed. Even the failure is a minor victory...just getting in there to workout is a minor victory. Its pushing through the body telling you NO. Telling the body NO, I'm not done yet. Going for the most you can physically and then pushing yourself mentally. Hopefully if things work out the way I want them to on Sunday I plan on doing my ultimate push...Sunday is when I'm going for 90 minutes. Most Sundays I do 30 minutes, but if I want to do it my way, while watching Rocky IV, then the best way to do it will be Sunday. I'll find out for sure today, if I can get there.

Stealing this from a friend (www.freefromhell.com) PMA...its all about the PMA!

Live Hard, Live Strong...

Eyes Wide Open

2010-08-24T07:38:00.000-07:00

For the past few days, I've been going over everything in my head, with one realization....I'm Happy..I'm Happy to be a live, I'm Happy with how things are going, I'm happy with the people I hang out with, and around them, I smile and it means something. I was talking with a friend yesterday, and she said how do you feel...I feel amazing. I think back one year...The negativity in me...Like today, I woke up and I'm sore, sore as can be...the joints are tired, the muscles are tired, things I didn't know existed are just worked (the best term I could come up with). 1 year ago, I had the same pains, for the most part, except it was my back and my knees and my ankles, and it all stemmed from being out of shape. Now its from pushing myself. Going the extra distance. Yesterday I did 75 minutes. I wanted 90...and although I did not hit my milestone, I did 75 minutes, it was solid, and I just pushed as much as I could. 70 has become easier..its the max time the Machine will give you..so once you get to that 45 minute mark, you might as well get going, its already in stride at that point. But after that's done, its starting back up again...that last 5 minutes, felt like 4 miles...and after 2, I thought I'd quit..but I decided 3 more minutes, you have it in yourself...so the goal now is to beat 75 minutes. Its really going to come down to them showing the perfect movie at the gym, you know..the one where you can do anything while watching it..very few movies out there, that I could do this for...Perfect Movie..Rocky IV..it is 91 minutes long..and I love that movie. To mean a Great American Story..Good vs Evil, USA vs Russia, True hard core vs roids. Anyway you look at it, that is the perfect movie for this. Now to convince them to get it on DVD and then start it when I start my workout..this should be entertaining, guess it cant hurt to ask.

Every day I'm learning, from friends, family and other people around me. Everyone has dreams, aspirations and we are all trying to find a way to get there. A lot of my thinking started on a friends blog..i shared one of hers before and I will again: http://theoverthinker.blog.com/2010/08/if-it-makes-you-happy-it-cant-be-that-bad/

Amy writes a lot of stuff that you know you are thinking but don't know how to say it or for the fear of reaction wont say it. With new blogs all the time, it will keep you thinking.

Also Homie, you know you where going to get a mention... www.freefromhell.com Ryan has achieved a lot, we talk everyday and He keep inspiring me. In just over a year he has done some amazing things...his story has meaning, if you know someone with a problem, you have have a problem or just want to read something motivational and real and with a lot of meaning check him out.

I don't get paid to advertise other friends blogs or websites, I do it cause they have some sort of meaning in my life, I hope they can help others realize their own potential.

Have a Great Day!

The Dark Side, Coming Clean.

2010-08-20T23:39:00.000-07:00

Its a mind set...knowing what you want, knowing how you will get there...its mapped out...until you start. Nothing is easy, and if it was I'd have the "perfect" body, and no one would have issues..we would all be "another brick in the wall". This is not the case. We all have our issues our Demons...Things that drive us and the the things that bring us down. After years of looking at what I've done to myself and the mind set that I instilled upon myself, the things I thought that "mattered" meant nothing..it was all for image. What I wore, what I listened to (music), What I said, WHAT I DID....I was never me. and some I think new that (i call them family and friends) others went with it. It took a good 12 years to get strong..to know what I want..to know where I have to be....TO KNOW WHAT I WILL BE!!!! I'm not going to tell you I wake up every day and say I'm happy, but I do wake up everyday and say I'm thankful I'm alive...that I didn't blast myself when the depression was deep, or that I never actually fully gave up on myself. There was a little piece of me, that always knew who I really was...something that kept me from not ending it all. Something inside me that says, you love yourself, and now is the time. The problem was, TIME...it took 5 years from time 1, to realize, this was the time....Everyday I still struggle with myself and every time I look in the mirror...I still see him...even with the loss, "HE" is still there. Who is "HE"....

"HE" is Dave...Billy Bob....The person that loved to make believe...Before I go into this...I want to say..the time I had "there" was great...and I love the friends I made, and the relationships I still have...this is not about that...this is about that guy...the guy that was a character in the life of another. A typical week would involve maybe going to class, if he was awake or sober..maybe paying attention..cause grades didn't matter...maybe giving a shit about his life, but that never mattered either, it was all about the party..He was a NAME...people knew him...he got random piercings and to top that his hair was a different color every week. He could eat 21 wings in a minute (yea, he really did). He would drink till he puked...and then he would drink more, and do this at least twice a night. He was an asshole and a sweetheart in the same night...he made others happy (like hahaha happy) but never cared about him self...every day was routine, Eat Sleep DRINK....nothing else mattered. And then it stopped...No one knew him...he was that old guy hanging out...he was beyond "big", he was always drunk, no one cared, PARTY animal....respect, down the drain...a slow suicide...it was inevitable....

It only got worse...Your friends live no where close, might as well drink...you do have a friend close by...might as well drink...drinking then meant getting wasted, which only lead to eating unhealthy foods...if it had grease and oil it was my BEST FRIEND. The images I saw in the mirror..if you have never been down a road like this, you would never know. The Rejection, from family, and the best of friends...the BLAME...never my fault...its your fault, FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T GET ME...really, I never understood myself.. The hardest thing I ever did was admit that I had a problem..that I had NO control over myself...The harder part was convincing myself...endless nights of looking in the mirror...and just crying...I lied to myself for so long, I really started to believe that, that was me...That's who I was...I was going to be dead by 35...and if it didn't happen by itself, I was ending it..35..that was the magic number....only a few people knew that..

I had talked about it before...but I couldn't do it...I wasn't ready..I couldn't leave my mother with that..but by 35, I could find a way so that it would not look like suicide...or F'it, I'd just F'n die. Sick right? That was me..at 26...9 years....and then it was done...

What a pathetic person...THIS WAS ME..."HE" is out of my life..and although he lingers, I wont let him back in...

There are always people that want to see someone fail...I don't know why...maybe they have some deep issue of their own..I want to see happiness, if you want it you can do it...no its not easy...BUT YOU CAN DO IT...

I am David Soffen, I am getting my life back on track...

The Drag

2010-08-19T16:49:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it's been or why it is...I just feel like I'm dragging. Here is the issue I'm having, I'm still eating well, I'm still pushing it at the gym, but I feel like nothing is going on with my body.. The motivation is a little harder, but I still go to the gym. I think its just the dog days of summer. I'm fed up with the heat and the humidity. At this point I'm looking forward to the fall. The cool weather, windows open and the holidays in the air. Its another season and I'm pushing closer to my 1 year mark...1 Year..never thought I'd be saying that. Its only 4 months away. I believe I'm starting to push myself to far with the cardio. Last week I did 3 days in a row of 70 minute workouts. I have to start to make the push more into lifting, at least trying to do it twice a week. I used to love to do it, now it just seems like a job. But I think its time to switch things up, to re-motivate myself. Something new usually helps with that. I know I got a long way to go, so I have to try to keep my head above water. Any Suggestions, please send my way. I just need an extra push...

8 Months..

2010-08-11T05:16:00.000-07:00

Every day I can feel myself getting stronger, mentally, and physically. I'm now 30 and its almost been 8 months at the gym. And I feel great. I'm alive, I'm happy...and I feel almost perfect. Last week I did a 2-a-day. I lifted in the morning and then I did a 70 min Cardio workout. That was last thursday. Saturday I had a quick 30 min workout and sunday I didn't do anything. Monday I decided to do a 70 minute workout. It was a quick 70 minutes and I felt great. Tuesday I did another 70 minute workout. Was not as fast as the first day, but after 40 minutes there is no reason to stop. Today I will go for my 3rd 70 minute workout in a row. I really want to try to do the 2-a-days 3 times a week. Its hard, but no excuses, its something that will help.

8 Months, I really can't believe it has almost been 8 months. The longest I've ever done is 6. And then I quit. It got hard and I gave up. Like I've said before, if something was hard, I just stopped. Its getting to the point where if it is to Easy I want to quit...but I wont quit, I will just make it harder.

I know this is not a long one, but it is just some stuff on my mind. I'm Happy, I Love Life, I Love My Friends, I love My Family....I Love Myself.

The Truth, The Whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth

2010-08-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

Everything I lay out on this site I mean. Its all true, the fears, what I want, What I've done..and how it affected those around me. I've never truly talked about what I did to myself. At least I don't think I have. But as I said before, I did this to remind me of where I've been and where I'm going.

I told you how I wasted a group of peoples time, the first time I attempted the weight loss, and how I lost friends because I didn't care. But I feel it needs to go deeper.

I lost my mind. At one point before I hit rock bottom, I did stuff to me that was just wrong..and most though legal, if you love yourself you could not even begin to fathom this. Let alone eating 10,000 Calories a day in fast food, there was the drinking, the occasional smoking and the physical abuse.

The Food was always out of control. From the time I was able to drive...Slurpees everyday, usually twice a day...the fast food, and whatever else I could find to shove down my throat...I gained 25 pounds at least that summer alone..by my senior year at the start of football I had about a year later i was up 100lbs, it put me at 300 and it wasn't healthy weight, I started my path of destruction. College wasn't' better, Pizza, Wings and Mozz Sticks everyday... That's when the drinking began and went out of control. When I drank, I drank to get drunk. I didn't know what it meant to have a few drinks with friends and hang out..I GOT WASTED. None the less drinking alone..I had Bar friends I would drink with, so it wasn't drinking alone...I was with friends... But even when I was with my friends, I could drink a bottle of vodka by myself. Yep I was that guy. Why drink to have fun, when you could drink to get wasted..Puke it up, Drink some more. How could it get worse, The Physical Abuse was the worst. I'd get so angry and go through fits of RAGE..at its most pure and simple definition...intense anger; fury. I took it out on anything that I could that I owned. At one point I was collecting shot glasses and cool beer glasses, lets say now I'm not. I destroyed them..most came from family or friends..and if they did me wrong (may have been nothing) my rage would make me destroy them. Holes in the walls of my room, anything that could be broken would be. And that wasn't enough. I started beating myself. I can't even begin to tell you how this made sense. I still don't know how I did it to myself, the only logic behind it was, that if I'm not breaking shit and causing damage to the house and not making noise to annoy my parents then it doesn't matter. So it started. punching my legs, punching my stomach. and then smacking myself in the face, and when that wasn't' enough I'd look in the mirror and do it. Beating the ever living hell out of myself. And then it stopped hurting, it only made it easier.

It truly was a sick moment in my life. The Demons where clear..Dead by 35..and if it came sooner, then everything would have been better. And I wondered why no one liked me, why I lost my best friends...Cause I hated myself and everything around me. WTF...I was a sick person...but now I'm striving for greatness. I will be happy, I will live long. I WILL keep doing this until it is all perfect, and I wont give up there. I will always fight the demons, but I will be happy.

Quick Update and a taste of REALity

2010-07-30T05:14:00.000-07:00

After the 12 day cleanse I was feeling great. I dabbled with other foods for a while, and then went on the cleanse for 4 more days. The weekend came and that was my time. I went out Friday night to Kaminskis, and had fun..4 drinks and was happy I didn't have more. That Saturday I went to Rachel and Chris house for a BBQ. It was a great time, I hung out with people I consider family. More on this later. Come Monday I went back to the cleanse, by Wednesday I cheated...I broke, I got so sick of healthy that I just broke, it wasn't one of my better moments. It doesn't help that I've been fighting a cold all week (there we go my first excuse). Forget the excuses, I cracked under pressure. This weekend is my Birthday weekend, so I'm going to drink and going to eat what I want, but pretty sure I won't go to over the top with eating, I'm just hoping that by Monday this cold is gone so that I can get back to the gym.

Now onto the Reality...I got to see my boy Ryan this weekend. Ryan is Rachels brother and a person that I have admired and have looked up to since the day I met him (even though he was younger then me). When I met Ryan he was in great shape and was planing on joining the service after high school. He went to the Navy. I always knew that he would go places. I saw Ryan for a few more years and then my depression hit..and I isolated myself from my friends, and they isolated myself from them. It wasn't until Memorial Day that I saw Ryan again. I couldn't' have been happier, that's when I learned of Ryans Story. Ryan got caught up in some pretty bad stuff and ended up down a road of hell. He explains his story better, check out his site: www.freefromhell.com. It just happened to be that when I saw Ryan again, we were both back in Reality. Living happier, going clean, being healthy and most of all being REAL. Call it Destiny, I'm not religious, but I do have a spiritual look on thinks, and now more than ever believe that everything happens for a reason. He is still my inspiration and part of my support group. We spent some time talking this weekend, and I was saying how happy I am and how hard it is, and he is listening and smiling. And at that point, I look at him and I say, I don't even know how I can compare this to what you went through...Its not even on the same level. In true Ryan, he explains to me that we all have our addictions, and our own issues, and one is not worse than another. This is our demons that we fight. Its True..Drugs or Food...its all about an addiction...

On Monday, I'm 30...I have a long way to go...but things are still good, and will continue to be good.

12 Days Are Done, & I Feel Great

2010-07-16T16:07:00.000-07:00

When I first thought about doing the Liver Cleanse, I thought, yea easy a breeze, its 12 days..and then I tried it. The first 3 days where absolute hell. I was angry and short tempered. I went for 1500-2000 Calories a day to my guess 800-1000, maybe less. And then something happened, I felt great..like the world had been lifted off my shoulders. It became routine, it was like I had been doing it for years, and not just a few days. By the weekend I felt like a new person. Granted I had my moments. The moments where I wanted to break, and give up. But I committed to 12 days, I was going to do my time.

A few things I have noticed while doing this.

1. I still have energy. Every morning for the past 2 years I have at least one cup of coffee if not more a day. Through out this diet..there was NO coffee. It took time, but every morning I was able to get up and start my day and just have the energy with out the coffee to get through the day. Though my workouts did suffer, but I still did them when ever I could.

2. Weight loss. Its there, it happened. Shirts got to big, pants got to big, Nothing is better when you have to wrap the belt you have half way around your body so you can wear your favorite pair of shorts..meanwhile this is the belt that a year and a half ago you could barely put on and the shorts that you barely got buttoned and to wear the zipper was only half way up, but no one would notice cause your stomach was so big it covered that all up anyways. Yea those shorts are now your favorite because they are to big. My seat belt when I put it on 2 weeks ago gave me no room to move, now i have a good 2-3 inches off the chest.

3. I feel great. I feel absolutely amazing. I feel like I can take on the world and win. I have confidence, I smile, and to be honest if you don't like the way I look, I don't give a fuck. I'm done with negativity. If you got nothing nice to say, than don't say it. I feel 18 again, in fact I feel better then I did when I was 18.

When this all started it was 12 days of hell...this was the best eye opening experience I've had. It was 3 days of hell, but the best 12 day choice I ever made. I don't plan on giving up now, I'm more inspired now, and want to conquer my demons, and take myself back. I haven't totally kept with that diet, but I am going to continue with some of it. I still have not had a cup of coffee, for breakfast this morning I had the yogurt, I brought 2 healthy snacks with me, nothing that requires me to open a package to eat (granola bars or those low fat/low cal bars or the 100 pack cookies...no matter what they say they are still bad for you). I continue my Journey everyday.

Saturday marked 7 Months...7 MONTHS!!!! And in honor of that I did a 70min 1000+ Calorie workout. When I first went I planed on doing 45 mins at most. But at the 30 mark I saw one of the trainers at the gym and I had not seen her in a few weeks. She came over to say hi, and told me I looked great. I told her I just did the Liver Cleanse for 12 days and that I'm feeling great. She said my skin was looking better, I defiantly look like I lost weight and just looked happy. I was at 40 minutes when we stopped talking and told myself, you can do 70. So I pushed it out, and it was awesome. Sunday I kept it going. Chest in the morning with my fried Jay. I have not lifted in a while, but he helped me through it, and said don't worry about the weight on the bars, worry about the technique. (today my chest and tris are killing me, but its good pain). Later on in the afternoon I went back, I did 30 mins of Cardio. Today is an off day, as I cant stand Mondays at the gym, its just over crowded with people that where away all weekend and are back for the Monday workout. Tuesday I go back strong.

The sun may not be shining right now, but it won't get me down. My mind has never been more clear. The goals are true, and the future is bright.

My New Goal

2010-07-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

After 4 1/2 days of this one thing is clear, everything I thought I was doing completely right, was not fully there. I figure after my 12 days I'm going to implement this diet into my new way of eating. No I'm not going vegetarian or vegan, but I will combine meat into the way I feel fit. The snacks are healthy, the breakfast is amazing and all though the cranberry drink tastes awful, it is as healthy as can be. I know I have bitched throughout most of this so far, but it's all new to me. I still plan on having a cheat day..that doesn't mean I will hoard on anything either, but if I want a slice of pizza I will have it, not a entire pie, just a slice, but on that day only. Although my parents have influenced healthy foods on me for years, it was the way I ate them and other stuff that I ate that ultimately made my early life a fail (early life 17-late 20s) . I can only blame myself for what I have done to myself. From day 1 I said I wanted to be 250-275, that was ideal..no...225 is ideal..that is my goal...that is what I want. Nothing less then that will be a victory..This may not happen till 40, and it could happen by 32..time doesn't matter. The Goal is to be in shape and be happy. I set the bar high from the beginning. With updates that will annoy everyone to the blog to keep those who care informed, I will not give up on my dream.

7 more days of this diet, then the ultimate life style change.................

3 days down, 9 days to go

2010-07-08T04:20:00.000-07:00

Its been 3 days of the cleansing so far. I've never craved food more in my life. I don't eat water ice often and it is all I think about. For the most part it is getting better and easier. The hardest part is controlling my workouts. I want to do what I would normally be doing, but I'm not putting many calories into my system and after workouts I'm crashing faster. I'm trying to mix up what I eat from the options, but I'm a picky eater. Believe it or not, I don't like to eat many things. Over the years I've started to like onions more, but I like them grilled or plain, not mushy, which is how they are in most of the sauteed meals. I find myself hungry a lot and filling the void with water. I really cant wait for this to just be over with, I'm also afraid of gorging once it is over. I want so many different flavors of foods right now, the hard part will be to control my eating once this is over. The way I have it set up is that on Friday the 16th when it is ending, then Saturday is my cheat day, I will cheat, but still be careful. I want Pizza, I'm not going to eat a pie, but maybe a slice, and with my water ice craving I'll go get a small water ice. As for ending on Friday, all day the 16th I will stick with the cleanse until dinner, when I will eat chicken. This weekend will be tough. If I sit at home I will break faster, so I will be headed to the bar to hang out with friends. All I will be drinking is water....I committed to 12 days, so I will do my time. If anything, I'm pretty sure I have lost some weight while doing this, so at least something good is coming out of this.

My 12 Day "Liver Enhancement Plan"

2010-07-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

Tried to upload the picture, but it didn't work so well..so here is my diet over the next 12 Days starting monday July 5th.

First thing before Breakfast "Cranberry Drink":
80z Cold Water
2oz Unsweetend Cranberry Juice
1tsp Apple Cider Vinegar
1/3 Lemon

Breakfast 15-30 min after Drink (pick 1)
1/2 cup low-fat cottage cheese with 1Tbs of flax seed and 1/2 cup berries (blue, black, straw)
1/2 cup Plain yogurt with pecans, 1Tbs of flax seed and 1/2 cup berries (blue, black, straw)

Mid-Morning Snack (pick 1)
Apple with skin (can't due to be allergic to apples..sucks)
12 Almonds
12 Pecans
Grapefruit
Celery with 2Tbs of Natural Peanut Butter
Cut Veggies

Lunch (pick 1)
1 cup of cut broccoli with humus
Cut Vegetables with Guacamole
Salad with onions, cabbage, broccoli sproouts, peppers oil and vinegar (a sprinkle of it)
Steamed Spinach with Pine Nuts
Cucumbers with oil and apple cider vinegar

Mid-afternoon snack (pick 1 of mid-morning snacks)

Evening Drink: Cranberry Drink

Dinner (pick 1)
Chickpeas, romaine lettuce, black olive--oil and vinegar salad
Salad with onions, cabbage, broccoli sproouts, peppers oil and vinegar
Baby Spinach, Broccoli Sprouts, Cut Celery, Beets (raw) salad
Sauteed Cauliflower with Yellow Onions
Sauteed Yellow and green squash with onions
Fried Eggplant (olive oil)--1 cup of eggplant
Black eyed peas, Kidney beans, bell pepper, onion, parsley
Steamed Spinach, Peas, ginger root, lentils, lime juice
Pinto beans, tomatoes, avocado, olives, red cabbage
Sauteed mushrooms with onions
Low fat cheese (one slice) melted over broccali

Evening Snack (pick 1 of mid-morning snacks)

and drink about 150 oz of water.

This should be exciting.............

12 Days of Hell

2010-06-29T07:08:00.000-07:00

12 Days of Hell is coming quickly. What is it you ask, well I'll tell you. This is my 12 day cleansing program. I will begin July 5th and go until July 16th (somewhere that night). It is a strict diet consisting of no Animal Protein. Its high vegtables and beans, that's about it. On top of that I will continue to do my workouts. There are only 2 things I will be drinking those days, this special cranberry drink (not your typical bottled cranberry juice) and WATER..even more water then I drink now (120-150 ounces a day, i'm expecting to hit 200 ounces a day). This will test my strengths. I can't even begin to imagine how this is going to feel. It is about an 800 Calorie/day diet. The way it was explained it is meant to clean out my liver.

I will have more updates that week I'm sure, as we lead up to month #7!!! Going for gold..Never Quit!!

6 Months

2010-06-17T04:16:00.000-07:00

Today marks 6 Months since I started going to the gym. This is a great moment, but also a frightening moment for me. I couldn't be happier with the success that I've had, and where I'm headed.

The Recap:
December 14th I joined the gym, but it wasn't till December 17th that I finally went for my first workout. I started with just cardio, on the elliptical. My first workout was 25 minutes total, I believe I did 300 and some odd calories. It was right around the Winter break, so I was going twice a day. I'd do 2 cardio workouts a day doing 600-1000 calories in 2 workouts per day. I was feeling great, I started to push myself and kept wanting to better myself. By January I was doing an average of 533 Calories when I did cardio. After one month of doing cardio I hit my first milestone 1,013 Calories on January 20th. I remember that day, it was a typical workout, but I just kept going, I didn't' want to stop, 65 minutes later (also the longest workout time wise I had ever done) it was done. I felt amazing, I wanted to do another 65, meanwhile, I couldn't move after the workout. I started setting goals. February I wanted to do no less than 600 calories every time I did cardio. I averaged 678 and also got my 2nd 1000 calorie plus day with 1,060 calories on February 25th. And I just kept striving in March I wanted to do 700 and no less, doing many 800, 900, and two 1000 calorie plus workouts. It became easy. I had to start to mix it up. Since I have started Kick Boxing on Wednesday with Jared. I used to go walking with Karen. I now am starting to jog/walk--for the future of running with Jon. The kicker, I couldn't do push ups when I started, now I can (I do, do them on my knees, the next step would be "real" ones). I can do 15-20 in a set, and usually try to push my self to do as many sets as I can, till fail. I have restructured my eating with more protein and vegetables and less carbs. I drink more water and less diet soda. I average 120-140 ounces of water a day. When I do drink on the weekends, I've began to drink less then I did before. I have my cheat days with eating, but even then I don't want to just cheat all day, I feel I stunt my hard work when I do that. The best is I can have a bad day or weekend, and know when Monday comes, it is time to get serious again.

The Scary Factor:
6 Months was my failing point during my last life changing experience, where it got hard and I just gave up. To this day I regret that moment and sad that I gave up. I don't want to fall back into that mind set. I want to say I won't and that I don't think about it, but reality is, is that it is with me everyday. I always remember when I stopped. This time I hope for it to be different. I had a huge support group then, and I'm slowly gaining that support back. Not everyone is on board, I can understand that, why believe the guy that has always quit, but really I don't need to convince you, I just have to convince myself.

The Future:
I have some goals set up for myself for the near and distant. I've come the the realization, that going from heavy to in shape, is NOT going to happen overnight. I KNOW THIS. But I'd like to be at my happy place by 32. I'm 30 in roughly a month and a half. so i'm giving myself just about 2 years to get to where I want to be. Goal weight 220-250...220 is the ultimate goal, but if i'm 250 I wont be disappointed.
Lets go with some short term goals: In November, I want to be able to run my first 5K. To do push ups without being on my knees. To be able to job without stopping, obviously the work towards the 5K.

Pretty much I'm feeling great, I feel like a knew person. I lived a miserable life through my 20s. I lost friends, and contact with people and just became a shitty person to be around. I'm glad I'm able to reunite with friends. The old Dave is gone, I hope, I don't want to be miserable and sad, I want to live to be 70 or older, and every day that I can be alive, I just want to smile, knowing that I did my best to better myself, and to see the people around me grow up and be happy, I just want to smile.

Hope to post again soon..Thanks to those that read this...

Living for today...

2010-06-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

I was on facebook last night and saw a friends post that had a link to his girlfriends blog..I figured I like when people read mine, so I'll take a look at it. It took my breathe away. It's how I've been feeling for a long time, and how I lived..and how I've changed. I always kind of sat there, just waiting for the end..and as you will read at the end, there is hope out there, Reliving our Youth, doing what we love, with the people that we love to be with. And in the end knowing that we truly live a happy time, smiling as much as we can..and just living for today...In the words of Fraggle Rock: Dance your cares away, Worry's for another day. Let the music play.

The Link to her Blog: http://theoverthinker.blog.com/

Thank You Amy for letting me share this!

Eyes Wide Open

15 June 2010 amy lynne,

sometimes it takes a really sad experience to make us really appreciate what we have, and even the fact that we’re alive. every day, countless people die from old age, disaster, disease, and accidents. try as they may, it seems death is not only inevitable but truly unpreventable — if someone is meant to die… i mean, look at people who narrowly escape death in plane crashes and the like. they claim it’s a miracle, but what if they just weren’t meant to die at that specific time? it’s almost refreshing to think of it that way — not that we shouldn’t be careful (because obviously, we can speed up our lives manually via drugs, suicide, etc.) — but at least if we continue to live relatively responsible lives, we’ll die when we’re meant to. at least that’s what i hope. and it’s really the only satisfying answer when we think of loved ones we’ve lost before we felt they were physically ready. maybe we felt they were too young, or too vibrant, or not even remotely sick, yet they passed away regardless. there has to be a reason for that, right? i don’t want to think people are taken just because — as if names are randomly pulled out of a hat. especially because criminals are alive and well while children are dying of cancer.

but what i want to know is, do we truly understand how precious life is if we’re never close to the edge of it? one might argue that we’re always close to the edge — disaster could strike at any moment. a bus could come crashing through our house. a bolt of lightning could strike us as we run to our car in a thunderstorm. not to be morbid, but these things have happened, and people have died. but we don’t think about these things happening, and if we’re altogether happy, we assume we’re invincible. i, personally, cannot imagine myself dying. i know i’m not the only one who thinks like this. that doesn’t mean i take unnecessary risks or play with fire or anything like that. i just feel like i’m 27 years old and “old age” is so far away. but what if i’m not meant to die of old age? it’s an endless cycle of questions and thinking about it seems fruitless. where does it get us to envision our own deaths? i mean, it’s not like we’re psychic. nothing we think will actually happen (unless by pure and total coincidence). so as long as we’re aware that we eventually will die, it’s pointless to think about it. right?

well, maybe not. and i’ll admit that all this thinking was inspired by watching My Sister’s Keeper, an amazingly enlightening movie about family and the power that cancer has on a person both mentally and physically. i think it’s a rare thing to find optimism in the face of leukemia, but this story focused on a teenage girl who did just that, and smiled until her very last minute on earth. i realize this is just one case (and i won’t say ‘and it’s just a movie,’ because it was based on a true story) but it does happen. in this particular scenario, the girl was diagnosed at a very young age and grew up with all kinds of health complications, yet she was happier than most healthy people i know. the ones who dwell on what are ultimately ridiculously insignificant problems. yet someone with real problems — health-related, fatal problems, at that — can maintain a much better state of mind, and it leads me to wonder if maybe, when really faced with death, do we potentially make the best of our lives at every moment? maybe more so than we would if we remained healthy? i know this is a trite example compared to illness, but take a vacation — we tend to have as much fun as possible on the very last day because we know it’s about to end and we want to make every minute count. is it the same with life? we don’t want to miss an opportunity to smile or laugh or spend time with family when we know it’s on the brink of ending? not that i think it would be better if we all lived shorter lives with illnesses so we could fully appreciate what we have, but i wish we could capture that SPIRIT and inject it into our lives NOW.

i know i’ve mentioned this in earlier posts, but it’s so important — and becoming increasingly more important as i get older — that life is more fragile than i ever realized. and i’m doing my best to remember every day the things that really matter instead of focusing on stuff that i wouldn’t care about if there was no tomorrow. because, as i said before — one day, there won’t be.

so let’s recapture the spirits of our younger selves. fly a kite. swim in the lake. build sand castles. run through a field of flowers. go to a playground. pick strawberries. eat ice cream cones. just because our bodies get older doesn’t mean our hearts and minds should do the same. keep your eyes wide open for ways to enjoy life as much as possible.

Running 101

2010-06-09T10:23:00.001-07:00

The ultimate freedom, no one cares..no one judges..it's you, the track, and the pain... Tuesday was the first day of Running 101. My teacher and good friend Jon Roth, went to the track at Cherry Hill East. For about a year he has been telling me that I can to it. Laughing it away, me running..right. So we talked and cut a deal, and Tuesday was my first time outside on a track in a long time. We started with a walk/run program. The goal to run/jog half way then walk half way. Although I was unable to make my run/jog go half way around, I still got farther then I thought I would. We did around 1 1/2 miles, which is around 5 times or so around the track. This lasted for a bout a half hour. After I felt great, wasn't as tired as I thought. I had some soreness and pain in my legs, but nothing that has hurt me today. Although I woke up sore, more sore than I have been in a long time. It definitely something I plan on doing some more. Looks like 2 times a week I will be trying to do this, Tuesdays and Thursdays are the plan.

Todays workout will consist of kick boxing only. Hopefully I will be able to stand by the end of it.

Everything just keeps getting better..I'm glad I'm moving into more advanced workouts. Will have more updates soon.

Its a disease

2010-06-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

Some people think that over eating is a phase, or something that lazy people do. In reality it is a serious disease. Some people need help to get through it, like an intervention. Interventions are common for drugs and alchohal, and even anorexia and bulimia, but not for obesity. Its a common form of life for many americans, I'm one of them. For years it was never an issue, and now I sit here on the verge of 30 wondering how I got here, knowing very well where it all began and how I ignored it for 13 years. My Obese ways started with McDonalds and other fast foods, and worked its way into alchohal, and where I didn't always drink to kill the pain I ate, and ate and ate..i'd sleep and then eat some more. I'd Drink and then I'd eat some more. All the signs where there that I was on a crash course to know where.

All though I never had an actual intervention, I had concerned friends over the years say stuff to me. Most of the time it was a brush of the shoulders. I knew I was hurting myself, I didn't realize that I was actually hurting those around me. It didn't matter, and I didn't realize it, until it was almost to late. Reality struck, when the people I used to talk to all the time, just stopped talking to me. The pain slowly set in, for a while, it was fuck them, I dont need them, so what did I do, I ate. And then ate some more, and its not like I'm eating vegtables and good protein, I was eating Family Size bags of chips in one sitting, with a can of onion dip, for myself. My favorite thing to get at McDonalds: Big Mac Meal, Large (cause they got rid of Super Size) 2 double Cheeseburgers, 12 nuggets, another large fry, and a diet coke, cause i like the taste more then regular coke. That was ONE Meal for me..thats 3,020 Calories in one sitting, and the saddest part was, after I felt happy, but not yet full. Its Just GROSS.

I look back, and I can understand why people left me, stopped talking to me, they knew the phone call would be coming, Dave died...really shocking, oh well...I could never blame them, I hated myself just as much, if not more. If you see this in someone, talk to them, organize and intervention for them, explain it to them, its a disease, its a sickness, They need help...not everyone can do it alone, even though I was the one that eventually decided I needed to do this, I'm not doing it alone. I have my support group, my friends, my family....its really helps to keep this going.

Sum Up of last weeks workouts

2010-05-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

Last week I decided that I was going to have an amazing workout week and set up goals. As a recap they where:
The goals:
2 1000+ Cardio days
When doing Cardio No less then 700
Lifting..I want good, Solid 45 minute workouts
Eating...High Protein, more Carb Cuting.
Wednesday is kick boxing again, but I want to add a cardio or lifting workout to it also.

So what did I end up with. I did one 1000+ cardio workout. going for 2 was a little bit of a stretch, but at least I got 1 1000 mark workout.
I started to combine lifting and cardio..so for my no less then 700 cardio days, in the end I did less, but I also combined it with cardio lifting. I'm not sure if it really has a name, but I call it cardio lifting, as it is meant to keep your heart rate up. For example if I'm doing Biceps, I do 12-15 reps, then rest 30 seconds and then do set two, rest 30 seconds, then set 3 and so on. Last was the kick boxing day. The kick boxing workout was highly intense and then combined that with some lifting after. Defiantly some great workouts to keep me going.

I mixed up my eating, by cutting out a lot of carbs, and eating more protein, veges & fruits.

Although I did not hit all my goals, I did do well and stride to do better. Hope that this week is just as good or better. Although I do not think I will be getting there today, hope to start full force on Tuesday.

Randomness

2010-05-21T06:39:00.000-07:00

The Songs that push me... I find new ones every once in a while. so far:

Come Sail Away--Styx
Some Where Over the Rainbow--Isreal Kamakwiwo'ole
What I've Done--Linkin Park (most of their stuff is good for me)
Jesus Walks--Kayne West (I know what you are all thinking, but for me its more about the beat and a lot less about Jesus)

thats it for now..just something to share.

4 Down 2 To Go

2010-05-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

Monday was a great solid workout. I started off hot and did a solid 1000+ calorie workout..what a mind blowing experience. Usually on a Monday if i do 500 calories I'm excited, but to pull that off it was and amazing achievement for me. It set the tone for the week. Tuesday a put out 748 Calories, again a solid workout. It made me feel a live, like nothing could hold me back. Wednesday was kick boxing day. I had not done it in 2 weeks and was a little worried to get back in there to do it. Jared made sure to destroy me, In what I would call one of the best workouts I had ever done with kick boxing. Highly intense upper body workout with punches and some random kicks. It was all about never giving up even when I'd mess up. But it helps to build the confidence I need. We finished of with some kicks..needless to say it kicked my ass. But I was not done. After I went over to Retro and did some lifting. Was a good 20-30 minutes of solid lifting. Thursday I did 30 minutes of solid lifting with little rest, to keep my heart rate up. An all chest workout, that I am no feeling today. To finish it off I did 15 minutes of cardio.

I also did a evaluation test this week. I'm not sharing all the results, but this is what I'm going to try to follow for my weight loss. It checked for the fat content and water content and what not. Pretty much found out that I should be drinking a lot more water. I was drinking on average 80 ounces of water a day, I should be at 120..which is a workout in itself. One of the questions asked was how long do you give yourself to lose this weight, I told him, I put this on over many years, so as long as it takes, it takes. Its a lifestyle change, not another diet that fails.

Today I'm taking off from the gym. I wanted to go, and was going to go, but was convinced not to so I would not fall asleep tonight. I still got one 1000+ workout to get done this week. I hope to do that Saturday or Sunday. The Journey continues...will have another one for you Monday morning....till then live life, be happy..GO FLYERS!!

Epic Week

2010-05-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

This is the start of the week that will determine my next 6 months. After a great weekend with friends, I've got my mind back in control, and remembered why I started doing this. Only I can change my life, as I look at the fortune for my fortune cookie that I had last March. As it goes "Only you can change your life. No one can do it for you." Thats right, its on me. And this is Epic Week.

The goals:
2 1000+ Cardio days
When doing Cardio No less then 700
Lifting..I want good, Solid 45 minute workouts
Eating...High Protein, more Carb Cuting.
Wednesday is kick boxing again, but I want to add a cardio or lifting workout to it also.

These are my Goals..This is MY WEEK. Not sure if I will update daily or just the end of the week.

Either way, the stride to Victory Continues.

Its been 5 months, and I'm going strong. Changes will be made..I will Succeed.

Man in the Mirror

2010-05-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

The struggle continues. Maybe its because I'm working out all the time and trying to get to where I want to be, but every time I look in the mirror I hate myself more than I used to. The mental game is ridiculous. Every time I feel better, it only brings me down. Emotionally I'm lost. I have my highs and lows, but with all that, I continue my fight. Its hard to stay inspired, but I continue when I see other FB status updates. When other work out it can only inspire, maybe its the competition in me, who knows. You do 1200 Calories, i want to to do 1300 Calories..someone else does 5 miles, I want to do 6 miles... Its not trying to one-up someone, maybe it is, but its friendly competition and is only used for inspiration.

I know I have a long way to go...this weekend is 5 months. There are many times where I've wanted to give up..just hang it up...you can find that excuse why you stopped. You did before, its easy..F'that. I hate my loser mentality.

I'm still hung up on cardio, but have started to lift again, finally. I don't lift a lot, I'm still on the i got a lot of weight to lose before I care about muscle. But the balance works. I will try to update more, I just have to find stuff to write about. Mind over Matter...till next time.

4 months

2010-04-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

In a few days it will be 4 months since i started working out at the gym. Its at the scary point now. Some 5-6 years ago when I ventured into this area, this is where I peaked..I had gone strong for 6months and then I quit. Whats different now, I think I have a better grasp on my goals, and what I want out of this. I broke back then, I didn't do cheat days, I even quit drinking for 4 months, I gave it all up for the goal, and one day I crashed..I threw it all away.

I'm going to take this time to reflect on how I'm feeling, and the good that is coming out of this. and even some negative...

As most people know every weekend I go to Kaminskis, every Friday, and most Saturdays. Nothing is better then when the people that you see once a week, A. Want you to succeed and B. See the difference. Every weekend, the bartender, Tony, tells me that he can see the difference. He has a picture from last summer that he said he will show me, when he feels ready to and says its a world of difference. He's always asking for updates and confirms with Jay, that I'm doing everything right.
Another was on Friday night, when a friend Chris, complimented me. I see him every weekend and this past Friday, he goes, "I can really see it" as in the weight loss. It definitely helps when people notice.

The Good:
Walking is wonderful, I know enjoy being outside. I'm enjoying the weather when its nice. Even with my allergies in full mode, I love going for walks. When I go to the gym to do cardio, I have no problem doing the 45-70 minutes, even though the 1st 10 minutes is pure hell. I'm starting to lift more also, which when I started I was shying away from. I feel good that clothes fit better, and sometimes when I look in the mirror I can notice the change also. I smile More, I'm less depressed..

The Bad:
Where I'm not so much depressed anymore, I've found I'm full of rage. I talked about this once before, it is short fits of rage..nothing that lasts more than a few seconds to a minute. It usually ends with me breaking something. Nothing big but like a CD Jewel case or old CDs etc. I dont like to repeat myself or have to re-explain something I just explained. Maybe I should be thrilled I never became a History Teacher, I'd prolly have killed a student by now. Its simple things that make me mad.

That 6 month fear is relevant..it sits with me. I think the best thing is I don't weigh myself. I don't care how much I weigh, I care about how I feel, and how stuff fits, and what I can do, that I couldn't do before. But I don't want to quit, i don't want to give up. The struggle is going to come and I know I just have to fight through it. Every time I have a doubt I come back to my blog, I re-read my Goals and my Fears. And I listen to the song and know I can do this.

This is a straight gym week..my walking partner is out of town, so I wont be outside walking. I need to do some inside cardio though, I'm considering going 2 times a day just to start mixing it up. Once in the morning, before work and then at night after work. This is easier said then done, but this is what i used to do, I think I can do it again..

Will try to keep you up to date (the 4 people that read this) :o)